The Magpie's Song

Dear Dad,

2011-12-28T07:56:00.002-05:00

It's been a month now since you've been gone and we are all still sad. It's been so very hard on Nita. She's so lonely and unsure and missing you so badly. Dad, will you give her a sign that you are there? Will you remind she's not completely alone and beckon the angels to release peace over her during the hardest, quietest, loneliest times? She needs to tangibly feel the presence of the Father and of you to comfort her broken heart. Dad, we miss you so much.

Did you see that I framed some pictures of you on my coffee table? I keep the one from your funeral on my kitchen counter so that I can look at your face every day. It was so very hard to see you laying in that casket, not moving and void of life. As your body laid there Nate and I stood by you not really sure what to do, say or think. Your two kids, barely adults ourselves thrust into losing a Dad and forcing us into a new phase of life. A life without a Dad.

I love you, Dad, and I am SO thankful for the time we got to have this year. Thank you for the memories and for the amazing legacy you left behind. I hope that I make you proud with the way I live life and love others around me. Watch over me Dad. Remind me to BE AMAZING and live this life to the absolute fullest. Your passing so early made me realize that I really need to make the most of every week I'm given. I don't want to spend my weeks focused on laundry, cleaning up the house and managing the bill. It's made me think more about what I'm focusing my life on, standing up more for what I think, believe and want. God has a plan for each of us, an individualized plan that will grow us as individuals, as givers as we bless others with the overflow of our abundance and as believers as we step out on faith each time you call us out of our comfort zone. Dad, remind me to not become complacent in life. Remind to trust the Spirit as He asks me to go further than I want to go. Remind me to love bigger and more selflessly.

I have faith that you are in Heaven helping to prepare a place, a beautiful mansion, the perfect place for Nita, Nate, Andrea, Jordan, Mackenzie and all the rest of us that you love so dearly.

Love you, Dad!

Christmas 2011

2011-12-21T22:07:00.004-05:00

So I'm ALLLLMOST done shopping and it's two days before I need to be ready for Christmas. I've shopped, I've baked, decorated, done the parties, the ornament exchanges, the Christmas programs and I've shopped some more. I've wrapped a few presents and made candy, and you know what I didn't do...I didn't send out a single Christmas card. I KNOW!! It's awful!

There's that "Good Girl" of mine, the perfect Christy in my head that stands off in the corner smirking at me and reminding me of how I could have done it better and all the things I'm NOT doing. Gawd, I'd like to punch her. I was making such good strides learning about how I cannot be perfect and all the striving to be as close to it as I could was really hurting me mentally and spiritually. And then Christmas season hit me like a Mack truck. I keep reminding myself that these things are really all materialistic and people will forgive me if I don't send them a gift or a Christmas card, or a thank you note for the lovely cookies they dropped off. But Perfect Christy keeps needling me about every detail. WHAT IF my mail carrier is secretly hoping that I leave a small token of my appreciation in my mailbox and bc it's not there he'll actually be "accidentally" misdirecting my important mail? What if he is harboring this ill will all year round and every time I wave to him he's actually thinking about how insensitive I am. *shaking my head* It is a sickness I tell ya. I'm loopy. :) He's not thinking that! But these are the things that Perfect Christy reminds me of in these hectic times. And she never gives me credit for all the good and generous things I DO do. Perfect Christy can stuff it, bc you know what? I've done really good things this Christmas season and all my friends and family KNOW I love them all year round and the most amazing Christmas gift isn't going to make or break my relationships with them. Christmas presents are wrapped and ripped open in minutes, but the relationships and the memories are not built on gifts it's what I do with the people I give the gifts to. Boom! That's called keeping it real.

All that said...I'm whipped. I'm done shopping. I'm over the hustle and bustle, the lists and the pressure of Crazymas. I'm ready for Christmas day to be here so I can relish the day with my family and kids just lazing around in our PJs, eating, watching Christmas movies and just enjoying each other.

Merry CHRISTmas to all my friends, family and followers (yes, all seven of you!)

Hiding

2011-12-19T17:50:00.003-05:00

I'm hiding from my kids right now. Shh, don't anyone make a sound or else I'll be forced to punch you in the neck. And.I'm.Not.Kidding.

*sigh* I really don't know what's going on with me lately, but I cannot get enough alone time. I find myself trying to nap more, drive more, steal away from the children more and it's never enough. Add on top of that the fact that our children are quite honestly going through an upswing of hyperactivity, and I'm basically ready to split. Not split as in, pack up a bag and catch a Greyhound. No I mean crack, go bonkers, go to the dark side of Mommyhood. I can feel myself griping, pushing them away and hollering for them to QUIET DOWN a lot more and it's not totally just me being tired of it all, they are really acting up more as well. Scott even mentioned it the other night, like "what the heck happened to our kids?" Tonight I took my bowl of lentil soup and tried to sit quietly on the front porch step while I ate it, but the Winter chill was too much and forced me back inside. I hung on as long as I could ducking behind the dead straggles of Clematis hoping it would break the wind enough, but not even close, so in I went. It was the first time this year that I've had that thought "Oh God, this is going to be a long, hard Winter, isn't it?" and panic streaked through my heart.

I don't want to feel this way.

I really don't blame the weather either. I know many mommies have a hard time when the clock falls back two hours and the sunny, warmth retreats to Florida, but it doesn't seem to affect me like that. It's just that I can't seem to get away. I can't get a rhythm of my own bc there is always someone right there with me, begging for attention. Even now as I type this Zach is screeching from downstairs, "MOOOOM. Mooommy. Mom. Mama. Mooooooom? Moooooooooom!? " It's not until I say "For the love of all that is holy, Son, WHAT DO YOU NEED!?" that he'll lower his voice to a whiney girl pitch and ask/tell me what he wants. Ugh.

Lord, I really need your grace during this season. I'm leaning into what I'm feeling, but also acknowledging that it doesn't have to be this way. I don't want to be miserable and crotchety with my kids and I do not want a long hard Winter. Speak to the hearts here and change the moods in this household to LOVE, JOY and PEACE again.

Chicken Noodles For The Soul

2011-09-05T15:06:00.003-04:00

Oh man, what an amazingly wonderful day here...weatherwise, anyway! I have to chuckle because yesterday was one of THE WORST days I've had in a long time. It was one of those go back to sleep and wake up tomorrow kind of days. But today...*big inhale and exhale*...today is fine Fall day here in Ohio. It's cool and overcast, and you can just taste the apples hanging in the nearby orchards. Today is the kind of day you want to pull on some comfy socks, a floppy sweatshirt and make comfort foods with lots of butter in them. Mmmm...butter.

So that's what I'm doing. I decided to go on ahead and make up some homemade egg noodles. I've never done this before but I've seen my mom do it a few times and I know my hubby's grandma could do it. She's actually given us gallon sized Ziploc bags of her homemade noodles and man, they were tasty. So here's the egg noodle recipe I use and instructions.

2 Eggs
2 Cups of Flour
2 Pinches of Salt
A splash of milk

Beat the two eggs with a splash of milk and combine with the flour and salt. Knead the dough until it's fully combined. Let the dough rest for 15 minutes (it's pretty hard at first.) Roll the dough out on a floured surface until it's quite thing (remember, the dough will plump when cooked). Use a knife, noodle cutter or pizza cutter to cut the dough into strips (as skinny or wide as you'd prefer). Dust both sides of the noodles lightly with flour and air dry them (I really don't know how long, just until they are dry or you REALLY need to cook them. LOL)

I'm not a die-hard homemade noodle fan, but my hubby is and he even said as I was making them today "if you can make super yummy homemade noodles, I'll be yours forever." Ha ha ha, silly boy, I had you at "I could do your laundry."

So I hope you're having something soul-filling and yummy tonight, whatever it may be chili, chicken noodles or something warm, gooey and baked at 350!!?

Happy Fall/Autumn!

2011-09-05T08:07:00.003-04:00

I think if we polled the church, a big chunk of us (myself included right now), would say we don't spend an ample amount of time with God. That's a first big step in a relationship. When we realize that spending time with God, actually in His presence, feeling Him exchange His love with us as we confess His wonderfulness in our lives and beseech Him his power in our lives...then the DESIRE, the appetite wakes up inside to spend MORE time with Him.

I use to wonder...how can ANYONE spend an hour, let alone hours, praying? I wander off after ten minutes! But when it stops being a list/something you NEED to do and becomes an affair that you are stealing chunks of time away from this life to relish Him, to drink in His pure, intoxicating measure of unadulterated love...He opens up something inside of us, opens our eyes more clearly to His words to His intentions in our lives, it opens the communication wider. Then is becomes less of something you NEED to do and more of what you WANT to do.

It's quite like any other relationship in our lives...if we didn't talk to our child or our spouse all day, but we thought about them and had good intentions of talking to them or spending time with them, the relationship grows cold. It's the interaction, making the relationship a priority, getting in there and feeling the soft skin of your child's face, taking time to hear the twinkle in his/her voice, listening to the knock-knock joke the 50th time and really laughing at it...spending time with a person allows you to understand who they are. God's no different. Don't allow the pastor on Sunday to be your only experience of God bc that's not YOUR experience! God has a dance card with only your name on it.

Spending time with Him (whatever that looks like in your life - it's different than mine) is going to allow you to hear Him and give him the opportunities to wipe away corrupted teachings and replace it with His pure words of adoration, admonition and truest love.

2011-08-31T14:50:00.003-04:00

There is but a golden thread that weaves it's way through my day. It strings the events together to create something beautiful and one of a kind. Some of the events seem so miniscule and insignificant and others so shattering that my heart hangs low to the ground as I wait for renewed strength to go to the next event.

This golden thread is all that holds me together some days and on other days it's working in and out sends vibrations through the fabric of my day that encourage me to such heights that nothing seems impossible.

What is this amazing rivulet of thread that binds the pieces of me into a patchwork of such brilliance and durability?

How awful would it be to look back at all the stitches of my life and see just one broken, a threat to the whole creation. One broken stitch has the potential to, if given too much stress, break a hole in the entire stretch of events and stages of my life that have collectively become who I am.
No. I see no broken stitches along the seams of my life. Every stitch has been carefully and skillfully placed to create a masterpiece that is to be offered to a worthy recipient.

Today I feel the sting of the needle poking through the events of my day, but I trust the Tailor. I trust the thread's strength and purpose. I trust that the events of today and those of my tomorrows are all going to be part of the unique tapestry of my offering to the Tailor. I am being stitched into something that will bring glory and honor to the One who created me.

Changes

2011-06-12T09:00:00.004-04:00

"Wow" is all I can say. The past six months have been chock full of changes, probably too many to even include in this one post. Actually, it's been more the past two months than six, but it started with the home schooling back in December.

So in December Abby and I started homeschooling and it...was...AWESOME. I highly recommend it to any parent who's even considering it as an option. I saw immediate changes in Abby's attitude around the house/family and our mornings went from a level Orange to Green. She use to FREAK OUT every morning either about her paperwork binder or her clothes, as there is a high priority set on these items in regular school, but as soon as we took those two stressors away our home life was a lot easier. And I also noticed a huge difference in our personal relationship too. I wasn't the enemy anymore. Instead we were a team working toward a common goal and the daily lessons forced our communication and collaboration. She had fun learning and so did I! Who knew adding fractions was that easy? Plus, with all the other neighbor kids in school all day my three kids HAD to play together and it became natural to ask to play with each other instead of other friends. THIS I loved seeing.

Abby started 4-H in January and is in the completing stages of her "Eye Spy In The Kitchen" book/project now. We joined a group of mixed age girls in Newark called Forever Friends and they are all so very sweet. They are doing Cake Decorating as a group project and Abby has taken to baking/cooking like a duck to water. SHE LOVES IT! So the book she's doing is walking her through Nutrition, getting to know the basics of kitchen utensils and using recipes. She has to learn about a topic (say Calcium content) and then complete a recipe that corresponds (Making Fruit Parfaits). Now at the end we have to make a simple scrapbook of her recipes, what she has learned along the way and cook or bake something as a final project to be judged. She'll be interviewed about the things she should know from the book and her final recipe. She has loved the 4-H experience so far and I know we're both excited to see how she grows. OH and she did enter an optional contest through 4-H - The Dairy Foods Contest. She entered a Nutty Banana Pudding recipe, which was a basic banana pudding, but instead of using Nilla wafers she used Nutter Butter cookies. And she won 2nd place in her age group! :) She was super excited about the win and already has her ribbons displayed in her room. Bless her heart! Mommy is super proud of her too and I'm so glad for her to have the experience. She's growing up so quickly!

And more recently Scott has decided to leave the company he worked for and helped grow from the ground up to start an Architecture firm of his own. Scott Baker & Associates, LLC opened it's doors on June 1st and is going strong. This was a big leap of faith for us! At the beginning of the year we thought it was our desire to move out of this house and find a new one on more land, but after six months of finding nothing we wanted, our house not having much action as far as buyers and then a bid on our new build drawings came back too high...it was apparent that we should stick right where we are and see what happens down the road. We figured it would be a good idea to get real serious about paying our home loan down and getting out of debt (home loan is our only debt actually). So we met with our Accountant and discussed our finances and that was when he brought up paying our full tithe out of our GROSS income instead of NET. Here is where the step of faith really began. This jumped our monthly tithe by a few hundred dollars. It was significant enough to an eye opener but not too much that it would hurt. So we did it! Our pastor challenged us to give it three months and if we weren't blessed he'd give us every penny back. NICE! So we did...and exactly three months later, the week after we gave our third full tithe...like a tidal wave cresting Scott felt the urging to go out on his own with his work. It was fast and furious how it all happened and while it was a very scary idea there was this underlying peace that HAD to be God. More about all that too come!!

Time to get ready for church today and hopefully some TENNIS later with my man again. I gotta tell ya...it's so awesome to have my own personal coach at my disposal.

Quitter

2011-03-09T09:36:00.004-05:00

I got through a week of the fast, guys, and I quit. What can I say? I was weak this time around and was nibbling here and there, and I knew that relenting to snacking would be a slippery slope. It was a very slippery slope. By this last weekend there was an all out brawl raging in my head. "Just give it up, Christy, you've already broken the fast." No, no, no, I know that God will honor my efforts and I want to remain under his covering. "Yea, but you are hungry and you know your husband would rather eat with you than without you." Yes, I know, but he's being so respectful of this fast and doesn't want to get between God and me. "But you already eaten food and really, it's not the fact that you have eaten that is withholding God from working in the prayer points and giving himself to you, so what's the POINT of starving yourself at all??" The POINT is so that I can clear myself of wanting to eat to stuff down my emotions and instead lean on my Father for those needs. The POINT is to allow God to carry me through these temptations and difficulties and show Himself bigger in my life.

So back and forth like a fast paced tennis match all day, all evening and I finally laid down my racquet and consoled myself with the fact that 1) God still adores me , 2) He and I had a great week together and 3) I believe He is still mightily at work in these prayer points.

It doesn't alleviate the feeling of failure though. In fact, that feeling of failure seems to always be there. Why is that? Lord, why is that? No matter how much I do I feel as if I'm not doing it well enough or not at all. Father, help me to unearth the root of this feeling and tend to the wounded soil left behind. I want to rest in You.

Day 5

2011-03-02T11:22:00.004-05:00

The past few days have been... interesting. As far as the fast part goes, I did eat a banana before I played tennis on Tuesday and then an hour into the match I had to drink a protein drink because I was so lightheaded, but the more interesting part was the spiritual side of this thing. I said yesterday that I'm focusing my prayers in on a few situations and one of those "sitches" is boiling over a bit. We'll call this person Person A. Person A opens up to me and reveals just what's going on inside of their head and heart by telling me to listen to all the songs on Eminem's Recovery track list. So I began my research on Youtube and well about half way into the list I was already being painted a very ugly, depressed and suicidal picture. I actually had to turn the music off because the lyrics were so vile and crude that my kids couldn't possibly be around. After a few texts Person A finally called me and started laying it on me. It's alllll my fault. Man, you should of heard it! If I were to buy into it all I'D be the one depressed and suicidal. Who knew I had all that power and control all along and didn't know it!? And the thing is I love Person A. If I looked at all the facts laid before me I'd be 110% sure that there is nothing to be done. Apparently I'm wrong, been wrong all along and there seems to be no help. Good thing I don't look at the facts. I mean, in the moment I often do, and there's where I get into trouble, flip out, don't react correctly, say things I shouldn't, etc, but God's Grace is sufficient for those times. When I take a step back, crawl into my prayer closet, God reveals the truth to me. I know that Person A isn't the one speaking and blaming me. I know I'm not the one at fault. I know that God is at work under the soil, in the unseen places. Sure, the topsoil looks dry, cracked, lifeless. But underneath that exterior lies the seeds of faith in Person A. I'm pouring fresh water on that through my prayers, through positive, affirm texts, through spiritual warfare and SO IS CHRIST (always up there beseeching the Father on our behalf.) I know that under the surface there is a miraculous work going on, a work of change and healing that is unseen but soon will burst forth in vibrant green color. A work that one day will sprout up into a strong healthy shoot and will glorify the one who caused the change. No, not me, but He who is working through me and He who spilled His blood for Person A. SO I will not be discouraged and I will press into this fast with all that I have in Christ, press forward to see that sprout of green come out of seemingly dead and dying soil.

Day Three

2011-03-01T06:56:00.002-05:00

Day two was harder than I expected, but I have to remember that the first few days are harder than all the rest. The craving to eat when I'm stressed is STRONG and was tested yesterday a few times. It's important for me to keep the juice and WATER flowing during the day and mentally prepare myself for that dinner hour when the stress level in the house naturally seems to peak. I didn't do that yesterday.

One of the people I'm focusing prayer on called me yesterday afternoon and stirred some things up, and instead of resting in my God-given power I focused in on the issue. I couldn't run to food to help me think things out so I only had raw emotions to run on and my knee-jerk reaction was to run away. "I'M OUT! I don't want any part of drama." That was my exact response. After many text, a few quiet moments to think things through and a perfectly timed insertion of the Holy Spirit I realized (again *sigh*) that I'm not in control, I asked to be USED in this situation to bring Salt and Light and that God is perfectly in control. I realized that what God meant for good (this fasting period and my willingness to be used for His glory in a painful situation/life) the Enemy was trying to make me believe was useless and under my control. *throwing my hands back and up in the air* WHOA! Thank you, Lord, for that revelation! So many times we have this perception that we can control a situation or that we, at the very least, can control OUR part of the situation, but honestly my best attempt at controlling this would be a miserable failure. I LOVE the person in this situation and my biggest prayer is that God would be glorified in that person's life. If I need to be removed from this scenario then God, let it be so! But if I am in any way a stepping stone for this person to get closer to the power and healing the Lord has for them, then GOD, CHANGE ME so that I may be used more effectively in your hands as a tool of righteousness, light, truth and above all else unbelievable love. My initial reaction was to run away from the possibility of being hurt myself or to cause hurt, but this morning as I quieted myself before the Lord I remembered that He is fully in control and that "no weapon formed against me shall prosper." What the enemy means for our pain or bondage shall not prosper. He may try, but will not succeed. He tried to craft this scenario and use my perceived weakness of being hungry and my imaginary grip of Control to bring death into a situation that God is healing...and HE LOST. I'm not weak, I'm not in control! WOOHOO! Remember, enemy, where the head of your army is buried! You know... the head of Goliath, a mountain, a cross...ringing a bell? May the Lord rebuke you, enemy!

Remember, my friends, NO WEAPON FORMED AGAINST US SHALL PROSPER! We have victory because our King already marched over this land, over these situations. HE WON, so we can walk in victory!

Oh, and I had five or six crackers last night. No guilt! Just gonna get it out there so no there is no falseness. :)

One Down, Twenty To Go!

2011-02-28T07:53:00.006-05:00

Funny little cartoon there! That's how I feel most of the time! OMGosh, the snacking!

Alrighty, so here I go again on a fast. About a month ago I started yearning for how it was with God and me during my previous fast, so intense, so deep, so tangible that I had it it my head that I'd like to do another fasting period. About a week and a half ago I texted my dear friend and said just that, that I was feeling the need for fasting again, and lo and behold she had already scheduled one of her own to start in about a week. Wahoo! Confirmation for me! I thought so because my ONE fear was that I wouldn't be able to survive the fast without some support of another person's accountability. It's easy to sneak here and there and then the condemnation sets in and you start thinking "oh, I already ate something, so why bother? Then you start modifying the fast and it feels more like you're "white-knuckling" through each mealtime instead of resting in the knowledge that He is enough. I digress. Short version: I was so glad to have a partner to go through this with.

So I prepared my hubby by stating, not so diplomatically either (I was PMSing), that in about a week I'd be starting a 21 day fast (shorter this time than last!) Then I began preparing myself mentally, kinda counting the days and preparing my heart for what my motivations for the fast are.

1) To experience God fresh and anew. What I experienced last time was more than I have EVER experienced with Him in all my decades of being a Christ follower and it set the bar. I want MORE this time!

2) To focus my prayers in on a few people and situations in my life; to go into battle if need be or just hear God's voice for the situations. In my scatterbrained days I tend to jump from thing to thing to five things in a span of just a few minutes and focused prayer has to be really intentional on my part or it gets filed in the "later" file, and more often than not I'm in complete Praise and Worship mode. Not to say that that is bad, not at all, it's great, but it's not as deep as I'd like to be. During the other fasting time there were nights where I was woken up with a specific thing to pray for or sometimes I woke up and I was already praying in my spirit. Um, wow! When I go deep with Him, I see things and tangibly feel things and it makes my Faith very real right now. It's like I'm getting Heaven here on Earth and HELLO? Which Christian doesn't want that!?

3) I really want to break the bondage food has over me and my family. I feel like we are emotionally connected to it and I hate that. I'll go more into that over the next 21 days, but for now it is an Idol in my life. It's how I connect to my husband and the thing that soothes my anger, boredom, fills my spare time, makes me happy, etc. It's taking up space that God wants to fill, for sure. Food has it's proper place in our lives and I want to put it there and keep it there.

4) I want to allow God to show me things about myself that I am unaware of but are out of line with what He wants for me. I am a work in progress and I KNOW there are still things that need to be unearthed in me. I just want to open myself up and say "Show me ME, Lord. Show me who I am now, who I am in Christ...CHANGE ME."

I have no doubt that God is in this and is going to blow me away.

So yesterday was Day 1 and it wasn't tooooo bad. I did have a headache, but it wasn't bad at all. Oh, and I do keep coffee in my fast. I may phase it out, but I really don't think it's a factor or anything I HAVE to do. This is my time with Him, my way of taking the pleasure out of something that is getting in between us, clogging my system so to speak. I am doing a juice fast again. Yesterday I had coffee and tea (no sugar), fruit juices (via my Jack LaLanne juicer), V8 juice and Special K Protein drinks. Dinnertime was kinda hard and I found myself handling and putting away foodstuff, wanting to grab something to eat for myself, but my mind instantly snapped back to the plan. :) LOL During the last fast I would dream that I ate food and woke up wondering WHAT in the heck I had done. Hee hee. Day 2 here though and I've had a cup of coffee, my thyroid med and a tall glass of veggie juice (carrots, kale, tomato, half an apple and some pineapple for sweetness). Toughie for me today will be the fact that I'm already tired. We had wicked storms all night long last night and Abby ended up in my bed and me in hers, and apparently there is NO insulation in her walls bc I could hear EVERY raindrop, whistle of wind and peal of thunder. So my eyelids are heavy. The Lord will provide though!!

Stay tuned! I hope in blogging more through this fast that it will demystify the process and encourage others on their journey to give it a try.

I Love Books

2011-01-28T14:33:00.006-05:00

I may not get to read as often as I would like, but when I do get into a book and can't put it down...that is one of the best feelings in the world. I just finished a book that I actually bought for Abby and I to read together but within a chapter she was bored with it. It's called The Miraculous Journey of Edward Tulane by Kate DiCamillo (she also wrote The Tale of Despereaux.)

What a great adventure this china bunny doll went on both physically and emotionally! Even I was wrapped up in Edward's emotions. Rooting for him to love again even though he was crudely pinned to a post to be a makeshift scarecrow, crying with him when his friend died, feeling his loss of hope as he drifted along the bottom of the ocean. Where would Edward turn up next? Who would love him next? How much would they love him? Would he ever feel hope and love again after going through all the heartache in his life. *swooning sigh* And doesn't it just bring me back to a childlike state to consider that dolls and toys could actually think and feel and talk! Does it really make the stuffed animals feel loved when you put them on the shelf or lined up on the bed as opposed to shoving them in a toy box or strewn about on the floor? Gosh, now I'm thinking about all the dolls and stuffed animals in my house right now. I think we need to go take care of them!

Even though this book was in the Children section of Barnes and Noble, it's now in the Keep section of my personal library. I know I have an ever growing pile of books and I'm sure to the non-reader it makes no sense to keep a bunch of books that you need to store or dust, but these books are part of MY journey. Books have transformed me along the way and each one means something to me.

This book is a quick and worthy read for kids and adults alike.

"Think On Purpose"

2011-01-24T17:16:00.006-05:00

This is a phrase my dear friend Dianne says often and wants to put on T-shirts. It means take your thoughts captive and know what you really believe. In the scripture linked there, I believe Paul is saying don't just let your thoughts roam and run away with you. I always think about my tender-hearted mother who is plagued with anxiety and fear thoughts. I mean, she will lay awake for hours at night worrying about things that MIGHT happen in the future. She's definitely not taking those thoughts into captivity and making them obedient to Christ (or what what the Bible says is true.) She's allowing them to rule and reign over her thought life AND her physical emotions. Sometimes to the point that medication is necessary.

Something came across my computer today that interested me and so I clicked on it. It was a message about doing a Mommy/Daughter pedicure on a budget and it was pushing a particular brand of nail polish called Essie. It's chemical free and isn't tested on animals, but I liked the word "budget" and was interested. I scroll to see a nail polish display and the slogan written across it.

Can you read that? It's kinda hard to see. I'll link it here, but what it says is "When you're obsessed it means you CARE...a lot." Umm, hello? I don't think that is what obsessed means. This is where Abby would roll her eyes and say "Mom, you are SO last century. That's just a saying. It doesn't MEAN anything." And I'd say "Uh yes it does, dear, because words have meaning and power." In fact, Webster defines Obsessed as: "to haunt or excessively preoccupy the mind." I don't want ANYTHING haunting me, let alone vegan nail polish.

Your mind isn't just a filterless machine that takes in info and spits it back out without it being processed and inputted into the proper files. Keep that, pitch that, attach that to the "hurt" file, etc. We are bombarded by media every single day, thousands of words and images cross through our filters and most of the time it's coming in SO fast that it doesn't even really register with us. BUT our brains and spirits ARE filtering it. This ad just reinforced the fact that I need to PAY ATTENTION to what is going in my mind and my children's minds. I'm consistently reminding Abby to rethink what she meant to say. So often she'll blanket a nasty generalized statement over top of what she really meant to say. For instance, once she said "I hate school. Fourth grade horrible." Well, I know for a fact that she really really enjoys being in school with her friends and punching through her school work, so I prodded and found out that really she just felt overwhelmed by the homework she had to do in 4th grade. But had I not prodded and helped her unearth what she really meant, then "I hate school and 4th grade is horrible" could have been reiterated over and over until it was a real belief.

So back to this advertisement. Basically this ad is lying to girls and women (oh my, a shocker, right!? *tongue in cheek*) and telling them that it's okay to be obsessed, it just means you REALLY care. Uh, no. Being and feeling obsessed is not a good thing no matter how you spin it. I don't even think that being obsessed with the Bible could be a good thing because "obsessed" just has this negative connotation attached to it, a "haunting" connotation. And how many times a day or a week are we LIED TO by the media and sales people and friends? We need to pay attention and think on purpose! ME INCLUDED. We can't live by our emotions and allow others to manipulate how we feel, which can lead us to think certain things. Take every thought captive and ask ourselves "what is the Truth about this situation?" and react from that. As another example, I remember standing at the sink after we put the kids to bed and it had be a rough day kid-wise. I heard Zach come around the corner and go "Dad?" and my neck stiffened and my teeth set on edge and I said "Dang it! Why can't he EVER stay in bed? He ALWAYS gets up after we put him to bed." And in an instant I knew that was a lie (at the time. Now this kid really DOES get up five times after we put him to bed.) and I corrected myself out loud. "No, that's not true. Almost always he is AWESOME about going to bed and staying there." At which point I could physically feel my body relax. It behooves me to pay attention to these moments when I do it correctly and think on purpose.

For ALL the other times when I don't, there is a HUGE supply of grace and forgiveness. :)

Just my two cents here. :)

Old Man Winter Can Kiss My Apples

2011-01-23T20:38:00.005-05:00

Where do I even begin? My life is so dang up and down even in the course of one day. This weekend though, it's just been a major blah with a few highlights of Yay! I can blame a lot of it on PMS and frankly, I'm ready to just get this uterus out of my body bc every single month I LOATHE ENTIRELY the week of the curse. Seriously, why do I even need this crap anymore? Take it out. I digress.

I think it might be the Winter Blues trying to set in. No one can go out and play for any more than fifteen to twenty minutes because it's colder than a witch's you-know-what outside and even when they do it's five to seven minutes of yelling "WHERE"S MY OTHER GLOVE!?" and "HELP ME GET MY BOOTS ON, MOM!!!" for maaaaybe fifteen minutes of quiet in the house and then they all come crashing back in with wet, snow covered clothes and claiming they are too frostbitten to take their OWN frosty boots off and will I help them. THEN there is a small mountain of snow pants, socks, wet boots, coats, mittens, scarves, etc...and I want to scream obscenities when they all start begging for hot cocoa while I'm being the chamber maid and cleaning up the clothes. *sigh* I neeeeed the warmth to come back to Ohio in a BIG way. My kids need to exert some energy OUTSIDE and get fresh air and stop making my house the main event for WWF Smackdown. Even I need some sun and some adult conversation. I miss hanging out front with the neighbors and watching the kids ride bikes and play Star Wars together. I miss NOT wearing coats and wearing sundresses and flip-flops. And oh my, I really miss running outside. *sigh* I remember when I'd have my running shoes on when Scott would get home and I'd pop my ear buds in and off I'd go. My desire to workout since the holidays began has been nill and it's showing. I just don't want to do much of anything lately, let alone go outside. Just getting in and out of the car at the grocery store makes me ANGRY. Ooh, that bitter cold biting at my face and cutting through my bones and all the while my slow-poky kids are taking their grand time getting in the car and then I still have to stand outside while attempting to shove my three year old's marshmallow coat into her car seat straps AND get it buckled. Ugh, I just hate it. I'm sure my kids think Mommy is mad at them when I'm so totally not, I'm just angry at the Cold. I wish these piles of snow and wickedly cold temperatures would just miraculously give way to sunny and 70's. Tomorrow would be great, by the way.

I know I'm complaining, but I just love me anyway. I need to get it out and then I'll feel better for awhile. These kids, I tell ya. I love 'em more my life, but we are SO on top of each other right now. You can't sit anywhere because someone is climbing on top of you or over you. You can't hide anywhere in here either. There's nowhere to go that they don't know about. LOL My life right now is all enclosed in 1800 square feet with three overly energetic, cabin-fever laden, "he's touching me!!", Sharpie marker on the wall, swinging from the curtains, "Can I have another snack?", wrecking a room as soon as you walk out of it, jumping on the couches, "I'M TELLING! MOOOOM!?", beautiful and healthy children and well, it's just getting a little too tight in here for me. Are you mommas out there feelin' me!? I'm sure you're all smiling and saying "yep, that's MY HOUSE too!" It does make me feel better to think that I'm not alone in my prayers for warmer, sunnier days and also for the gracefulness and patience that will protect our children's hides and scalps.

Spring can't come soon enough and it's gonna ROCK to see flowers blooming, green grass, Easter, promise of school coming to an end and Summer just around the corner. I can't wait! 'Til then...I hold on tightly to my electric blanket, fuzzy slippers and my sanity. I went without sleep for YEARS while nursing and coddling all my babies...I can certainly get through two more months of this wintry misery. Man, thanks for letting me get that off my chest! I know there was nothing edifying or spiritually uplifting at ALL in this post, but I really needed to get this out. I'm just a little on kid overload here lately. :) Off to wash my face and snuggled down in my heated bed and hopefully drift into an uninterrupted sleep until Monday breaks in and starts another crazy insane beautiful day of my life.

NO MORE GUILT

2011-01-14T14:45:00.006-05:00

The LAW. No, not the Po-Po, the Fuzz or Obama. I mean the Law as in the Old Testament rules and regulations. Know what I mean? Thou shalt not. Thou shalt not. Thou shalt not. Ever feel like you can't possibly measure up to the rules of the "churchie folk" you know because of this or that? Yep, that's condemnation set up by the Law. The Law was given to the Israelites because they did not yet have Christ and actually, they had the Living God dwelling among them in the form of fire and because He is holy and they were not, they had to do all these sacrifices in order to send away their sins so they could be in relationship with Him. But then God sent himself in the form of Man so that He could end all this sacrificial business and FOREVER wipe out sin...so he could FINALLY be in relationship with man without all this condemnation/sin butting in between. So Christ did this magnanimous thing, this thing above all things in all of history dying a sinner's death, brutally I might add, so that his perfect blood could atone for ALLLLLL sin past, present and future. That is a LOT of sin. And in his dying words he said, "It is FINISHED." Finished. Done. Past. Not just his life here on Earth, not just the end of a task. Jesus took on the GUILT of every single sinful thing I have ever done...and let's face it, I could fill up a large section of the Metropolitan Library just on my own...but also every one I'm committing today and for the rest of my earthly life...AND yours, and his and hers down the street. Not to mention the people in the next City over, the next State over, the entire Earth's population past, present and future. HOLY COW! For real? Can I even really wrap that around my brain? So he did it. He finished Sin's power over any human being. In Hebrews 10:12-14 it says:

¹² But our High Priest offered himself to God as a single sacrifice for sins, good for all time. Then he sat down in the place of honor at God’s right hand. ¹³ There he waits until his enemies are humbled and made a footstool under his feet. ¹⁴ For by that one offering he forever made perfect those who are being made holy.

With that ONE offering of himself (because seriously, only a God sized sacrifice could possibly cover THAT MUCH sin) he forever made perfect YOU and ME and that guy who cut you off, and your Dad, and your cousin and your enemy. You and I were made alive in Christ when he took on that guilt and then sacrificed himself to Death. So, my point comes in this...why are we still condemning ourselves to live as if we are still slaves to death, disobedience, drugs, lust, overeating, alcohol, thievery, (insert guilt ridden sin here)?? Christ took the guilt for that and threw it down into the pits of Hell. He's not up there seated at the right hand of the Father going "Ugh, Father, we didn't do enough. Christy's down there drinking herself into an oblivion because she can't make herself do the right things or feel good about herself. What do we do now!?" Uh, no. He's sitting there right beside Christy with the bottle in her hand saying "Honey, don't you know? I know you have no power over this thing you do. I know your flesh is weak, but sweetheart, I do not condemn you. I died so that you may have freedom and walk in life with abundance. You are seated with me in Heaven right now because I FINISHED IT and know the end of the story. You are here being transformed from glory to glory to walk and rest in my love and mercy and grace. You are here to tell others of my great love and mercy and grace. I live in you and because I AM THE KING you have power over that bottle. Because of my blood that runs over your head you are clean before my Father so you NEVER have to run and hide from us again. Because of my blood and my love you have power to overcome any addiction, any anger, any hurt, any unforgiveness, any medical ailment and live in Victory in this earthly life. (Insert your name), my dearest child, I love you SOO much." Ephesians 2 is SO amazing. Take a read and see how it grabs ya!

¹ Once you were dead because of your disobedience and your many sins. ² You used to live in sin, just like the rest of the world, obeying the devil—the commander of the powers in the unseen world.^a]">[a] He is the spirit at work in the hearts of those who refuse to obey God. ³ All of us used to live that way, following the passionate desires and inclinations of our sinful nature. By our very nature we were subject to God’s anger, just like everyone else.
⁴ But God is so rich in mercy, and he loved us so much, ⁵ that even though we were dead because of our sins, he gave us life when he raised Christ from the dead. (It is only by God’s grace that you have been saved!) ⁶ For he raised us from the dead along with Christ and seated us with him in the heavenly realms because we are united with Christ Jesus. ⁷ So God can point to us in all future ages as examples of the incredible wealth of his grace and kindness toward us, as shown in all he has done for us who are united with Christ Jesus.
⁸ God saved you by his grace when you believed. And you can’t take credit for this; it is a gift from God. ⁹ Salvation is not a reward for the good things we have done, so none of us can boast about it. ¹⁰ For we are God’s masterpiece. He has created us anew in Christ Jesus, so we can do the good things he planned for us long ago.

If we are living apart from Him and in bondage to sin, which leads to unhealthiness and an overall lack of life, then we are not living up to the people that are seated in the heavenly realm with Christ right now. All there is to do to begin this is believe in who He is, REST in the knowledge that there isn't anything you can do in your own strength, give Him control, obey what you hear Him telling you and watch the fruit come!!

Today a friend of mine showed me the Blue Letter Bible (BLB). We were discussing how you can use this online tool to do deeper word studies of the Bible (and let me tell you, the Bible isn't as scary as it might seem. Just open it, pray out loud asking for Him to open your spiritual eyes and ears and read. REST in his sufficiency to do that and watch, you'll start getting it!!) and she used that one verse that talks about how Jesus is the Vine and we are the Branches and apart from Him we wither...and that he PRUNES the branches that aren't producing fruit. So we were saying "ugh, doesn't that suck. You do good, you get prunes to do more good. You don't do good and get pruned and thrown away." WELL, after searching the BLB for the word pruned (which doesn't mean just to hack it off, it means to cut away parts) and discussing how the person who cares for the vines actually lift up the non-fruitbearing limbs out of the dust and onto the fenceline, and then prune away the unneeded leaves so it can get the sun and water it needs to produce...it started to take on a whole new feeling. He doesn't look down and go "oh, that branch is down in the mud again and crud, it's not producing fruit like I said it should. Bad branch! Off with your head!" Nope. He lovingly lifts that branch out of the mud (AGAIN and again, if necessary) and hefts it back up right where it should be, cleans it off and prunes away the dead bits, feeds and waters it and waits for it to bear fruit. Do you feel me out there? Am I rambling too much? I feel like I jumped around on you. I hope you get some of this bc it's HUGE. Christ died for YOU and to overpower sin and death. Sin has NO POWER in your life and neither does condemnation. If you're feeling condemned and guilty, you just remember Hebrews 10:14. You are clean FOREVER and he loves you. The next time you find yourself sitting there doing that THING you do that makes you feel guilty, stop the guilt...I don't care if you are cooking up and shooting heroine right in the middle of your kitchen...stop the guilt and say "Thank you, Jesus. Thank you for taking the guilt of this away. Help me to be the me that is sitting beside you in Heaven right now." Crazy, huh!? That's the God we serve! He's HUGE and AMAZING and SO...FREAKING...ABUNDANTLY...BUTT-CRAZY in LOVE WITH YOU and ME!!

Scrub-a-Dub-Dub

2011-01-13T10:58:00.004-05:00

Ugh, the primordial scum I just cleaned out of the bottom of our fridge should be cause to revoke my parental rights. It's likely the source of every sickness in the County. Honestly, I don't remember any major food surges in there so just exactly how does that crap get there??

And it's not like I didn't notice it each and every time I opened the fridge, but somehow I allowed myself to mentally block it from my to-do list. It's so nasty I kinda wanna be a kid again so I don't have to deal with it. Oh wait a second, that wouldn't help. My mom made me clean the fridge pretty darn often as I remember it. Unloading all the food, get out the Basic H. And let me stop there a second. Anyone ever actually USE Basic H? Or Basic I for that matter? OMG, my mom LOVES this stuff. It's the end all of allll cleaning supplies. According to her you can clean the dirtiest oven, the moldiest shower, the greasiest dish, the funkiest carpet or mattress stain, you can wash windows with it, etc, etc, etc. Someone quick! Tell The Gulf Stream Team about about Basic H and I, for Cripes Sake!! LOL In fact, the whole time I was cleaning this scummy mess I kept thinking over and over "if my MOTHER saw this I'd never hear the end of it!!"

Abby just opened the fridge and goes "WHOA!! **huge smile** It's all clean!....Where's all our food!?!?" Oh honey, that wasn't food. That was the mirage of full fridge that the scum was projecting. Ha Ha. She then opens the freezer and says "yea, you could clean this one too." Uh, thanks, Dear.

So it's all sparkley clean now and smells like a Pine Sol dream, but I know it's coming again. That primordial evil that will somehow creep or crawl or magically appear in the bottom of my fridge and I'll be back at it again. The Flylady in my head is saying "ah, ah, ah. Just keep up with your Control Journal and you'll never face that ugly guy again" but reality says that I will bc as much as I love Flylady, and as much as I love my Momma...I'm gonna do it my silly way anyway and pay the price until "I" finally decide to do it their easier way. Then, I fear, the tides will turn and I will be "the mother" and will standing over my children with that damn Basic H and I having a soliloquy about it's wonders and might. Oh Lord, help me. ;)

A Little Confirmation

2011-01-01T07:29:00.002-05:00

So we're at the club last night ringing in the New Year with some other tennis enthusiasts, and well I find myself sitting with the last lady I played with and she releases that she's a middle school science teacher. I say to her, "Oh, well I might keep you in my pocket for later as I will be homeschooling my oldest daughter the rest of this year." Her lips purse a little and she leans back and while nodding asks me why I am doing this. Now, I hesitate to paint this story as if she was AGAINST homeschooling, but even though her head was bobbing up and down her body language was definitely telling me that she was a bit on the defensive. So I did what any courageous speaker does when confronted with a loaded question...I glossed right over my personal reasons and went into how excited we were and how positive a thing this could be for our family. And like any hungry journalist would do she pressed in: so how do you "keep record" (and she DID do the quotes with her fingers) of her work? Who's tracking her learning? How does she get graded? All of this with a lot of affirming head bobbing. *wink* She ended with "well that sounds VERY interesting and I'd actually like to SEE how it's all worked out in the end."

It just happened that another teacher sat across from me and she was a high school teacher, and these two ladies then began a mini tirade about how the kids they work with are highly emotional ("will be so sweet one day and cuss you out the next"), are knowledgeable of things much too explicit and above their emotional/age appropriate capabilities of handling and that they wished parents were more involved in governing their kids' education and what they are exposed to. Hmm...interesting.

Even though when I talk to anyone about homeschooling I mentally put on my helmet and flack jacket waiting for the enemy fire, more often than not I get nothing but great feedback and encouragement from people. And while I didn't feel like this teacher was on board with my ideas (and she doesn't have to be, I get that) I did feel completely affirmed by her candid conversation with her friend across the table. I feel like I am going to be doing JUST THAT which the teachers so wished all parents would do...be more involved in my kids education and governing what she is exposed to. Plus, I don't have to kick God out of our school room. Sweeeeeet.

Praying Hope Into 2011

2010-12-31T19:49:00.004-05:00

I'm just here at my house at 7:49pm steam mopping the floor, cleaning up and getting ready to go play tennis with my hubby until the year turns the page onto 2011...and I'm in deep thought while doing all this. I'm thinking...how blessed I am! While I grumble and complain on days about how cumbersome my life is so very many of my close loved ones struggle to make ends meet living on hope. Hope that the paycheck will get deposited before the bills go through. Hope that tomorrow will bring relief from the deep longing and ache for an easier life. Hope that their loved one will be made well soon. Hope that the one they so very intimately love will love them in that same way instead of ignoring and hurting them. Hope that this "thorn" is their side will soon be healed and they can walk freely in life. Hope that one day soon that prodigal son or daughter will feel the Grace of our Lord and come running home. Hope that they'll make it through the dark tunnel of emotional horror they are walking through and that that sick feeling of wanting to end it all will just be relieved and they'll be truly known and loved. *sigh* There is SO MUCH pain around the ones I love...and yet I have joy. I am so very humbled.

And on this last day of 2010 I rejoice. I rejoice for the babies and children I know have gone home to be in the eternally loving arms of Jesus. I rejoice for those who've made it another year through an economic recession and kept their families well fed and healthy. I rejoice for those who've come to know Christ as their SAVIOR this year and those who've felt His love and grace deeper than ever before. I rejoice with those who've seen the light at the end of those dark tunnels and are walking in the freedom or at least are walking in the light now and are working towards freedom. I rejoice because DAILY I see God at work around me in my life and all the lives that touch mine. I rejoice because Christ is alive and desires for us all to live free, abundant, fully healed and full of love lives in 2011!!!!

I know some will be carrying pain and difficulties into 2011 and I just want to tell you...there is HOPE. Christ is our hope and faith. Romans 5 says:

¹ Therefore, since we have been made right in God’s sight by faith, we have peace with God because of what Jesus Christ our Lord has done for us. ² Because of our faith, Christ has brought us into this place of undeserved privilege where we now stand, and we confidently and joyfully look forward to sharing God’s glory.
³ We can rejoice, too, when we run into problems and trials, for we know that they help us develop endurance. ⁴ And endurance develops strength of character, and character strengthens our confident hope of salvation.

So even through all the crap that this sinful world throws at us, we can have JOY in the midst of it because Christ finished it on the cross. We can sing through the tribulations and trials of this life because sin has NO POWER over us. NO. POWER. Our authority is in Christ who dwells in us, he lives inside of us, so sin HAS to bow to our authority. So take up your armor my friends (see Ephesians 6) and remember while in the midst of the pain you are righteous before God and their is no guilt or condemnation in Christ AND that you have power in 2011. Let's bring the healing home. Let's bring the prodigals home. Let's bring abundance and joy and love into our homes. Let's give hope to those around us and share what we have. 2011 can be the best year yet! Just think, THIS could be the year our Savior comes to get us and makes all things truly right. YAY.

Have a drink and ring in the new year my friends! You are well loved!

Major hugs and love to all my friends and family for shouldering 2010 with me and loving me through it all.

A New Heartbeat For 2011

2010-12-27T08:29:00.003-05:00

Wow, did this month fly by or what? In fact, the whole year flew by for me. It's hard to even remember what all happened in 2010, but it's dawned on me that 2011 is almost here and I want to get some new goals down for myself. I did this in 2009 and by the end of this year 2010 I believe I've met pretty much all of them, so it's time to make a new list. I don't like the idea of "resolutions" because I'm the epitome of "I'm gonna do it", get half way there and either forget about it, give up or intend to finish it later and never do. Resolutions just sounds like something I'd break and well, I'm already defeated just by the name. Seriously! It's took me two years to complete the 2009 list, right? Back when I typed up that list it was more of a self-centered thing, a list of things "I" wanted, but this year it feels different.

This year I have a deep sense that God wants me to focus in on my family and it's way overdue. I've known that these things that are tumbling around in my head needed more attention, but I've had SO MANY other things that I've committed myself to (projects, studies, groups, etc) that I would have had to make a hard choice to quit things in order to focus better. As God would have it, my life has seemed to funnel down into a slower more focused pace already at the end of 2010. Commitments are naturally coming to a slow or end due to the holidays/end of the year and we've made a change in our church home and deciding to homeschool, so it just feels right where it should be. It feels like God has paved the way before me and simultaneously given me the passion inside to focus in on the things that matter: Scott, Abby, Zach, Lilly and our family as a whole. He has put me in this place of authority as the mother and wife, and I am greatly blessed. All my talents and energies have been used in so many other areas of life and poured out to blessed and honor others, even sometimes to the point of neglecting my own home and myself. I believe that God is saying to me "2011 needs to be different. This new year rest in my grace (no more striving to do it on my own), give yourself to your family and to the purpose of guiding them in my ways and you will be blessed." I believe he is going to help me be less driven to make myself fulfilled and find my identity in "doing as much as I can and doing it all right." As I focus on him, resting in his grace, filling myself with his presence and the Word, he is going to funnel all of that into my family, our home, our finances and bless our socks off in the process. I believe that all that I have done and learned in 2010 has prepared me for doing this. I can't wait to see what he does!! It's like knowing a gift is coming in the mail and you just can't wait until it gets to your house. I fully trust Him and his goodness!

Lord, take this list of goals and shape them into what you know is best for me and my family. Guide me into the success, blessings, abundance you have for us. Teach me and my family to live according to your Word and to live in your abundance.

Okay, so here's what the list looks like in my head:

1) Be consistently in worship, but also replace foolishly spent time (on Facebook, shuffling through the internet, etc) with purifying, adoring and listening time with the Father daily. All of us who have done this KNOW it feels awesome and wonder why in the world we don't do it more, so...I want to do it more. :)

2) Minimalize unnecessary things in the house and be more effective with the storage and placement of the things we have.

3) Be a wise steward of our finances and grow our savings. My hubby works very hard for the money he earns for our family and while we enjoy what we are given, we could be a LOT more wise with it. I don't want to mindlessly spend at the grocery or continue giving our money away to the fast food chains/coffee shops. I want to use what we have here at the house, buy used and save the difference, use recipes and cook at home and stop eating out so much. We also have a vision of moving out of this house and into a new home with land. In order to do that comfortably we need to be better stewards of our money.

4) I desire to be a happy cook. I want to cook healthier dishes with whole foods and stop giving us so much bagged/boxed/frozen/precooked stuff. Honestly when I think about dinner it just makes panic rise up inside. I'm not sure which part of the whole production makes me anxious, but it does and I don't want to feel that way anymore. I want to plan and prepare foods that are easy, tasty and good for us. God, you know this seems insurmountable to me, so I'm gonna stop thinking it over and just get under your faucet of grace and allow it to flow. Teach me to be a great cook for my family.

5) I want to homeschool my kids and teach them wisely all that they will need this year to be kind-hearted, biblically sound, intelligent and cooperative children. I know Rome wasn't built in a day and I don't expect that my already good kids are going to be uber-wise mini adults by the end of 2011. I just want to do my part in wisely teaching my children in the way that they should go according to the Bible and also to create an atmosphere in our home where they are loved and love each other well. Along with that I am reading now Managers of Their Chores so that I can also get into place a method of teaching them to be responsible for themselves and their family.

6) I really want to share my husband's heart and help him fulfill his desires for our family. The Lord has given me insights these past six months or so into Scott's heart and I see what he wants for his family and our future, but I also see how it grieves him that we are not on a path to make it a reality. I believe the above goals God has given me passion for are in direct relation to this specific goal. I am a Proverbs 31 woman in the making and as He directs me this year in achieving these goals it will strengthen my husband, release him from any fear he may have of the future and his family will truly be the jewels in his crown. THAT is a great goal to have as a wife!

I think those are a worthy beginning. They are basically things that I've known for awhile but allowed to be put on the back burner. They were notions of who I wanted to be BUT "I have aaaaall these other things to deal with." In 2011 I want to stop pushing these important things to the back and bring them to the front to be dealt with. It's exciting really! Lord, lead me!

Feelin' the Burn

2010-12-15T18:37:00.006-05:00

Is it Christmas yet? I know it's a mere ten days away. Actually nine days for us because we start celebrating with family and church on Christmas Eve. However, it feels like I've been preparing for it for a really long year now and I'd kinda like to be done with the pressure and busyness now. Up until yesterday I was merrily going on my gift wrapping, Christmas carol singing, light stringing, holiday partying, "Merry Christmas!" way through the weeks of December, but as of 24 hours ago it finally hit me that I'm exhausted and would really like my basement floor, top of the dryer and mind back in order. My mind has been numbed of the Christmas music and if I have to hear Bruce Springsteen sing "Santa Clause is Comin' to Town" one more time...*sigh*...well, I might let a string of curses out, shove something sharp in my ears or to turn the station to CD101 and I really don't want to have to do any of those things.

I have to say though, I really haven't fallen behind. I mean, no, my Christmas cards aren't sent out yet and no, my cookies aren't baked or decorated. BUT, I have like 95% of my shopping done, a majority of it wrapped, the house has been decorated, we've been having our little family Advent time each Sunday, I have completed two or three holiday parties and am on track for both kids' school parties...all while keeping the true meaning of Christmas in focus and cultivating the hope that this holiday brings in my kids. So, I'm not ahead of the game at all, but I'm certainly not behind, and as much as I have enjoyed it all thus far I'd really like to jump forward a few days and get my celebrating ON!

I can't wait to watch the kids open their gifts this year! Lilly is old enough to get the idea of opening presents now and being excited about what she gets. Zach is going to be getting a big boy gift this year and if my assumptions are correct he's gonna flip his lid when he sees that he's getting his very own (used, mind you. Momma's thrifty) Nintendo DS and two games. He's had to borrow the pink one that belonged to his sister all year long and she's been SO responsible with it that it's been missing for two months now. So he's going to be over the moon. And Abby, well, this year Miss Preteen Ohio has requested clothes from Justice and that's what she got. While it doesn't seem like a lot when I wrapped it all up, cost-wise it was considerable (even with 40% off coups and Jbucks). She should be super happy! Funny enough, she made the comment that one thing that will "make her sad about her Christmas gifts (if she gets what she asked for) is that her school friends won't get to see her in her cute outfits." LOL My friend Amanda and I assured her that there will be plenty of opportunities to show off her stuff at church and homeschool functions. It's just so strange and also so nice to see her taking interest in her appearance. I thought the day would never come for this child who'd go out in public with yesterday's stained up, so totally not matching clothes and rat's nest hair without so much as a shred of embarrassment.

I do love this time of year! I'm so happy to be able to make the holiday wonderful for our kids and to be part of blessing others during a time when things are still tough for so many families. I also look forward to 2011 and what new things our family will be getting into and what God has in store for Scott and I individually. New goals for a new year - yay! Stay warm, my friends, and enjoy what's left of this month. I have a feeling it's going to zoom by.

Why Homeschool?

2010-12-13T07:39:00.003-05:00

Ever since my first child started school there was a tiny kernel of a thought that said "I could home school my kid." I would think about it from time to time, especially when something that I didn't like was happening in our school experience, but would dismiss it pretty quickly telling myself "there's no way my kid(s) would behave and listen to me. Heck, I can't even keep order in our daily life together let alone in a school setting." Then we had our Z-man and all hell broke loose in my life, or so it seemed to me. So any fleeting thought of home schooling was met with a viscous beatdown of "oh HECK NO. There is NO WAY on God's green earth I'm gonna put myself through that torture and I can't WAIT for this kid to have school!" While I can still empathize with that woman that I was, it breaks my heart a little that I was so threadbare, out of control and wished away so many moments. Thankfully, God did a work in my life/spirit, while at the same time little Z was maturing, that would bring my stony heart back to life so it would beat again with motherly love.

Now that my third child is grown past three years, is more easily entertained and showing interest in learning I've come into this space where home schooling is met with eagerness and hopeful possibility for my family. I see it as a means to get personally involved in my kids' education, watch them grow intellectually and knit us closer as a family. I see the reality of weaving God into their education and teaching them what the Bible says about this world and our place in it. I also believe it's my job as a parent to protect my kids from the things of this world that would seek to destroy their purity, self image and spirit. I know public schooling isn't necessarily the enemy, but they aren't going to be sewing humility, gentleness, a love for the Lord, purity or any of the other things God sees on the inside of our hearts. And yes, I know that we parents can sew those things into our children WHILE they are being publicly schooled, however, the social system of the school is going to be telling them the opposite of what we are sewing and then the child has to battle SO much earlier than I believe God intends. Already in the Fourth grade we are seeing huge pressure to dress in name brand clothes, using inappropriate language and talking about private body parts/issues with each other, "dating" and kissing on the playground, and we've even had someone in our sphere of same age friends who has been invited to a get together where they were going to learn about masturbating together (that was pretty much the straw for me). This is just in the Fourth grade and I'm sure I don't even know HALF of what is really going on in the Fourth grade, let alone once we get into the Middle School years when hormones and changes abound. In fact, I have friends who are parents of middle schoolers in our district and I've been appalled by the stories I've heard. Frankly, I don't think the social system of public school is doing kids any favors at all and if I can give them the same/better education at home all the while protecting them from being exposed too early to things...then why wouldn't I do that? I'm home all day long and have the means, time and education to do it.

So, I'm gonna do it. I'm going to start with Abby beginning in December and we'll finish out her Fourth grade year here at home. If it's an absolutely horrible experience and we flounder then we re-enroll next year in public and chalk it up to experience, but I'm not putting any stock in that. Abby is incredibly smart and I have confidence that we are doing what God has prompted for our family, so I have nothing but great expectations for Abby and myself. As for Zach, I think Kindergarten has been so good for him so we will wait until the end of this school year to decide if we'll start him at home this next school year or not.

Abby and I are both excited about this endeavor! I know people have personal opinions about homeschoolers, heck even I'm guilty of thinking "that's weird" and "man, those kids are going to be socially deprived" but as I come to know more homeschooled kids I'm finding that they are actually very mature, more calm, well adjusted, often musically inclined and really a delight to be around. I get excited when I think about my kids growing up being homeschooled and how God is going to educate and mature ME in the process.

Here's a cute poster for any homeschoolers. I'm gonna hang this one up in our school room. :)

http://theapplepeel.org/blog/wp-content/uploads/2008/08/20_great_reasons_lg.jpg

Day 38 of 40

2010-09-01T06:27:00.003-04:00

Why me, God?

As I pray this morning this question pops in my mind and just as quickly pops the answer. "I chose you so that you can give hope and encouragement to those around you in family and friends, and to point them to me." Suddenly a flood of images pour through my mind. My childhood friends, so many in my family afflicted with so many things, my brothers who are gripped with many addictions and issues, the girl I counseled in my dorm room who was being forced into an abortion, the people I have laid hands on and prayed with over the years, the hair dresser who confided in me about being raped, my own mother who lives with physical and emotional pain every single day, my friend who wants to end her own life to get away from the pain of this life, hurting neighbors, all the friends who have come through my life over the past twenty some years. There are so many hurting people that He has put in my path and He keeps in my life so that I can point them to Him and offer them encouragement and hope.

I can remember in grade school walking home with a girl who didn't like me very much and we ended up getting into an argument. She hit me with "you're a nobody, so just leave me alone." Ouch, that hurt, but what I remember most about that snit was that I screamed back at her, "oh yea, well GOD loves me so I don't care what you think!" That was well before I became a saved Christian and before I really remember attending church regularly. I know now that God was always with me, but I must have had enough awareness of him then to pull that out of myself in a heated childhood argument instead of bursting into tears on the scene.

Now that I take a look back through my life I CAN see how God has interceded and used me. I have sinned a'plenty in my days too and needed much forgiveness from people and from Him, but because of Christ's blood covering those sins I don't look back and see those, and the Bible says neither does He. When He forgives, He forgets. How wonderful is that!? Not only do we receive His grace and mercy, but He also takes his "magic eraser" and wipes it all so clean that it never was in His mind. Okay, so Christy? What's this Judgement Day all about then? Ah-ha...that is bigger discussion for another day. That's way more digging into Scriptures than I have time for this morning. My kids will be up in less than half an hour! However, I will say that that day is not about judging our sins, our sins were judged and laid on Christ up on Calvary. Judgement Day about judging what we did for Christ while we are here on Earth. Everything we did will be laid on the altar in Heaven and a holy fire will consume our "heap of life" and only those things truly done for Christ will remain through the fire. What's left there on the altar is what we have to lay before our King and the weeping will be because many of us will see that so much of our time was wasted on ourselves and other empty things. But then tears will be wiped away and the Bride will be joined with her Bridegroom and the greatest marriage and feast in all of eternity will commence! Oh what a glorious, joyful day! I can't wait!!!

So, as I go forward today and tomorrow and Friday after these forty days...may my days continue to be full of Him and full of pursuing tasks that will remain through the holy fire. No matter what lays before me, may I do it with the remembrance that I was spared and chosen to bring hope and encouragement to the lost and the hurting.

Here is a Psalm of Hope that encouraged me this morning:

Psalm 25

A psalm of David.

¹ O Lord, I give my life to you.
² I trust in you, my God!
Do not let me be disgraced,
or let my enemies rejoice in my defeat.
³ No one who trusts in you will ever be disgraced,
but disgrace comes to those who try to deceive others.

⁴ Show me the right path, O Lord;
point out the road for me to follow.
⁵ Lead me by your truth and teach me,
for you are the God who saves me.
All day long I put my hope in you.
⁶ Remember, O Lord, your compassion and unfailing love,
which you have shown from long ages past.
⁷ Do not remember the rebellious sins of my youth.
Remember me in the light of your unfailing love,
for you are merciful, O Lord.

⁸ The Lord is good and does what is right;
he shows the proper path to those who go astray.
⁹ He leads the humble in doing right,
teaching them his way.
¹⁰ The Lord leads with unfailing love and faithfulness
all who keep his covenant and obey his demands.

¹¹ For the honor of your name, O Lord,
forgive my many, many sins.
¹² Who are those who fear the Lord?
He will show them the path they should choose.
¹³ They will live in prosperity,
and their children will inherit the land.
¹⁴ The Lord is a friend to those who fear him.
He teaches them his covenant.
¹⁵ My eyes are always on the Lord,
for he rescues me from the traps of my enemies.

¹⁶ Turn to me and have mercy,
for I am alone and in deep distress.
¹⁷ My problems go from bad to worse.
Oh, save me from them all!
¹⁸ Feel my pain and see my trouble.
Forgive all my sins.
¹⁹ See how many enemies I have
and how viciously they hate me!
²⁰ Protect me! Rescue my life from them!
Do not let me be disgraced, for in you I take refuge.
²¹ May integrity and honesty protect me,
for I put my hope in you.

²² O God, ransom Israel
from all its troubles.

2010-08-29T08:32:00.002-04:00

Day 35 of 40

Wow, I can hardly believe that I've made it this far into a 40 day fast. I'm not gonna lie, eating whatever I want when I want sounds REALLY appealing to me right now. However, I'm still not craving foods. Before I began I had the idea that this was going to be forty days of white-knuckling and slapping my hands and praying my way through not eating, but it hasn't been like that at ALL. I have been praying my way through this but that's been the focus the whole time...spending time interceding for people and getting closer to God Almighty. I've also been using my mouth to fight the enemy.

Do you believe in angels? Well, the Bible talks about both angels and demons (and spirits and powers of darkness), so if you believe the Bible to be the inerrant word of God and you believe in angels, then you also believe in demons. There is a real war going on above us, Friends. A spiritual war for your life and the lives of others around you. THAT WAR is what I've been dunking my hands and feet into these past 35 days. I say "dunking" because I don't feel like I've yet immersed my whole soul into it. My brain knows the facts and my heart believes it's going on and my eyes are now seeing things that connect the dots between the mind and the heart. Basically my faith is growing much bigger in this area. I know the Bible says I have dominion over all enemies because of Christ, so I believe it and go forward into battle with HIS name as my banner. It's not because of anything I did or who I am, but all about him! He is the King of ALL Kings...and that doesn't just refer to the natural kings of this Earth. It's also referring to spiritual kings that literally reside over natural areas on the Earth. It's kinda crazy when you hear about it at first, but then when you get into the Scriptures and read about the Assyrian king and the Babylonian king and start connecting the dots...um, wow! This stuff is REAL!? It really is. So these "kings" have dominion over areas of land and they have ranks of spirits under them that they control and these spirits and powers are the ones that feed lies into our ears and attach themselves to the wounds we carry around in our souls. Ugh...it's really evil stuff here, Friends. BUT the most amazing thing is that when we accept Christ as our personal saviour then HE has dominion over our hearts and lives! HE has the ultimate power to heal these soul wounds, forgive us our sins and POUR love into us like nothing we have ever known before. Friends, those wounds and sins we are carrying around in our hearts and souls are magnets to the enemy. We are walking around wounded and the enemy smells it and says "hey, I know that smell! It's an open wound I can crawl into and fester in." So all that depression, unresolved anger, constant guilt, unforgiveness, self-righteousness and condemnation, you name it...all that is breeding ground for the enemy's control and proof that Christ isn't in those areas of our lives. I have seen them in my life and no doubt they are still wandering around me, condemning me and trying to get back into already swept clean areas.

This fast, for me, has shown me that it's possible to allow Christ in so much that He is involved in every hour of my day. He wakes me up in the middle of the night, he covers me as I walk through the grocery store, he is involved in my marriage and friendships, he speaks to and through my children, he washes over me with tremendous feelings of love while hitting tennis balls at the park, he forgives me as I repent the sins he shows me, he opens the Scriptures up brighter and shows more meaning to me and how it applies to my life, he meets me on my knees for prayer, he is everywhere all the time. This is crazy stuff and I'm a crazy, sold out spiritual nerd...I'll just admit it.

I'm aware that this will cause other people to really think I've lost my mind and I may even offend people, and as much as that might pain me...I'm okay with that. I know that where God has led me is a place of Truth and Strength and he has given me new tools to help others, to fight the enemy and has seriously deepened my awareness of him and allowed me to FEEL his presence and love. So, there's no going back from this fast. I've tasted and seen that HE IS GOOD and this is a jumping off point for me.

AND I don't want to end without saying this: If "I" can do this...YOU can do this! I'm nothing special. God wants all of us to experience Him and to be in this reciprocal, supernatural exchange of love, relationship and education. Consider it.

The Autumnal Beat of My Heart

2010-08-20T07:11:00.004-04:00

I can feel Autumn tapping me on the shoulder. It's beginning to be crisp in the mornings, hot hot at the midday sun and just so perfect in the evenings. The school supplies are MOSTLY bought, backpacks set up and ready to go and I attended my first school orientation meeting last night. It's really here...time for school! Four more days until I send my eldest to her first day of Fourth grade and I walk my middle child through his first day of Kindergarten. Oh, be still my heart!

I can't imagine that I'll be that weepy mommy on the first day of Kindergarten with Zach, but then again I just about choked up when the principal gave his sappy speech about all the first milestones of a Kindergartner last night. So who knows! I'm excited for him to go and enjoy learning with new friends and a couple old ones. I'm excited for him to grow up a little bit more, but at the same time...I looked at him last night playing out front in his size 5/6 shirt and pants and really saw how tall he's getting and how big his feet are. Good grief! My little baby boy is actually growing up into a little guy. My heart fluttered a little in my chest and I could suddenly see miles down the road when he will rather NOT be around his parents and will prefer to seek solace with friends and girls. Ugh...and that made my heart ache a little. As much as I complain around here that I never get a moments peace with all the chaos and kids, they are my life right now and for the last so many years. They are my reason for being here at home and I suddenly want to corral them all three, my husband and my dog into a safe nest and become a hoarder. A hoarder of my family. I want to clutch them to myself and provide what they need and be the source of home for them. I desire for them to find refuge here and for THEM to desire home.

And while these feelings are stirring up inside and swirling around like a pot of home-cooked chili that would hope to bring us together, I know that "out there" is where the testing grounds are and where the rubber meets the road for them all. I can only huddle them in for a little while longer, but I hope that as they grow up they always know (even through those teenage years I hear nothing great about) that their parents deeply love each other, deeply love them and that home is always a safe, loving place where they can come and not be condemned.

Wow, did I digress! Oh yea, I remember what I was saying before...Autumn. Yes, this IS my favorite time of year and I look forward to it as a child looks forward to Christmas morning. I cannot wait for floppy sweatshirts, socks, hay rides, apple picking, Harvest parties at school, carving jack-o-laterns, mmmm...warm and delicious Fall treats like chocolate chip pumpkin muffins and ooey, gooey caramel corn. I eagerly anticipate our family and friends coming over to sit around our fire pit and enjoying warm beverages. I love watching the leaves change into firey reds, deep pulses of burgandy, bright oranges and yellow ochre that screams Bob Ross. I so adore walking through the woods with the crunchy leaves scattered around on the ground and the Autumn rainbow of colors overhead. Even the air smells great in Autumn! Homes begin to smell like fireplaces, cinnamon, apples and sugar cookies. We have to get extra Kleenex out because our noses get colder and need wiped more, especially the kids. Let's just ignore all the schoolhouse induced colds that might come our way and stay in the zone here. ;) Ahh yes, I love fresh socks on all my kids too. There is just SOMETHING about putting fresh, clean socks on six ever growing feet and knowing their toes are warm and cozy! Robes and slippers, Trick or Treat, raking leaves and jumping in them, sweaters, cold mornings and warm afternoons, earthy colored Mums, anticipation of Turkey Day...where does the wonderful list end!?!?

My heart is alight with fresh anticipation of the coming months, Friends! May the Lord bless the road before my family and may He ALWAYS be the center of all these wonderful things.

Day 22 of 40

2010-08-16T07:38:00.003-04:00

Holy, Holy, Holy is the Lord God Almighty who is, who was and is to come! All Glory and Honor and Power and Praise and Strength to Him!

Basically that's where my Spirit man is. I just want to sit in his presence constantly. Yesterday I woke up all night long and then got up for the day at 5am, grabbed my coffee and drove over to the prayer room at church. It was a little freaky being there in the complete darkness and all alone (at least I HOPE I was alone, humanly speaking.) There is a small window in this room with no curtain so out of fear I propped a pillow up on the sill so it would block any view inside and then I sat in the corner where there was no chance of being seen. This was all done out of the creepy feeling that girls get, but once I was seated I felt completely okay. Plus the door electronically deadbolts, so no one was coming inside without the code. :) But anyway, I sat there in that corner and ushered in his presence with praise music and my open and willing heart. And people, I am here to tell you...GOD...IS...REAL. He is real. He is present. He wants to be with his children. And, he feels amazing! We stayed together in that room for about 40 minutes where I enjoyed him, laid out my heart's desires, told him how thankful I am for all he has given me, doted all over him, got fierce with the enemy and declared the name and blood of Jesus over people and our church and generally breathed him into my day. At the end I wrote a prayer into the prayer journal and left. Even though I could, literally, sit in that room all day with him I knew it was time to go. One, because I needed to drive back home in time for the kids to get up and get ready for church, but second because I felt his presence ease up. At first I wondered if it was just me being antsy or ready to get started with the day, so I sat back down in a chair and turned the music back on to see...but it was clear that it was time to go. So I left.

Then later at church during worship I was singing STRAIGHT to Him and I didn't care who listened to how badly I was singing. I didn't care how I looked from the back with my arms clear up in the air in praise to him. It was ALL for him and I felt his presence. I was actually shaking with excitement and energy! I had to stop singing for a minute and breathe b/c I felt like I might burst into a million particles right there in the sanctuary. At that moment I knew why a human cannot see the face of God. Good grief...his presence alone nearly sent me into a fit. All day long too I felt his covering over me. It was like a tangible blanket laid over me. Not heavy or cumbersome or suffocating, but rather light and protective and comforting. Honestly, I never want this covering to go away. I want to live under it forever!

In all my years being a Christian, almost 20 now, I have not felt Him like I feel him now. It's not that he wasn't there and it's not that I didn't want to feel him...it's just that NOW I am really, truly giving him first place in my life. Fasting is just a vehicle, a catalyst of purification. I see so clearly now how I have leaned on food/snacks as a comfort and would even go as far as to say that I was a glutton. Eating and eating just to feel constantly full and to change my emotions whether they be fear, anxiety, loneliness, excitement or to bring my hubby and I together after a loooong day at work/with the kids. Food was a substitute, an empty promise, a counterfeit for the real fulfillment of what God, Christ and Holy Spirit give. It was also a satisfaction of a short term desire that led to long term internal issues. Oh, ten Timbit Donuts taste delicious going down, as does half a Papa Johns pizza and bread sticks, but those short term tongue-tickling delights lead to long term weight gain and then ultimately spiritual bondage of "I'm too fat. I'm disgusting to look at. I'm not what my husband would want. I don't look like "her." I need to go up a size in pants and now I really look like a hippo." Ugh, and the list goes on. It's ALL lies being fed to us. We have control and strength through Christ. When we accept him into our hearts as Saviour...you guys, WE HAVE ALL THE POWER WE EVER NEED! Faith combined with his Word equals VICTORY. I have realized that if God within me can change my sinful eating habits and I am strengthened in Him...what sin has any power over me!? It's really amazing and mind-blowing stuff and yet I can do it.

Okay, so here's breakfast! Two small carrots, an apple, kale (I usually have a lot more, but I'm out!), an orange and a tomato. I *heart* the Jack LaLanne juicer! I'm tellin' ya...even if you aren't a big veggie person, this thing is great for making healthy fruit juices and then I whip the fruit juice in the Magic Blender for a smoothie. I found my juicer on Craigslist for $35! So I have this juice (or a similar one, depending on what fruit and veggies I have) every two to three hours OR I have a Special K protein drink, and of course ice water throughout the day. I also keep V8 around for sipping and gum helps a lot when an occasional craving hits or I'm out and away from the juice.

Before:

After:

Day 12 of 40

2010-08-06T08:48:00.006-04:00

Day 12 of 40 Day Fast

There is this place I like to go to pray. It's this little 10x10 room on the property of our church and a few people go there to pray. We have a prayer chapel inside the church that is all set up, decorated with handmade, sparkly banners and cushy leathery couches and comfy chairs, dimly lit, etc. There is a CD player and prayerful type music to play and sheets of paper to help guide you through prayer and lists of things to pray about, poems, etc. But, this other room I love, there is something more special, more intimate about this other room. It's not cushy, there are two metal folding chairs, two flat pillows, an old desk chair and I think the CD player out there is broken. It's actually a little humid and warm in there as well, but none at that matters to me.

Once I step into that room, I step into the presence of Holy Spirit. The white walls are saturated with the prayers of the warriors who were there hours, maybe minutes, before me. The scribbled note cards of those who need prayer and those who are responding to those needs lay on a small table or are tucked inside a prayer journal left on another small table. There's nowhere to get really comfortable b/c it's not about getting cushy, relaxed or comfy. It's about getting on my knees before the Almighty or laying prostrate on the ground as I relish in his presence and draw into holiness. I feel at home there. I feel warm and invited. I could stay there for hours and just sit around Him and the prayer walls that resonate prayerful vibrations, and I do, but I also lay out my own prayers to Him there. I pop the Nano in my ears, sit silently, lift my hands, speak out loud, cry and get really intimate in a way that I could not in the other cushy room or in front of any other person. All the walls come down there and I'm the true inside, bare boned Christy, the child of the living God who adores her. There I sit, kneel, stand before my Father, my best Friend, my Victor, my Redeemer and the One who goes before me as I battle through these 40 days and we talk. I pour out and He pours in. It's such an unfair trade and I'm so thankful for it.

If you have no such prayer closet or space of your own like this, I encourage you to find it. I have read so many times about how Christ would go away from the crowds and be alone with the Father. It was just a word story to me until I found this room where I really feel connected to Him. Now I pine to be alone with Him there. I think of being there when I am not and when I CAN get there, my feet can't carry me fast enough. What an absolute refuge in this wild and crazy world we live in!

Day 10 of 40

2010-08-04T11:04:00.002-04:00

Day 10 of the 40 Day Fast

So here I am, day ten. This has been quite an experience for me thus far. I had two main motivations for going on this journey with God. First and foremost, I have a HUGE bone to pick with the Commander in Chief of the dark army. He has been working tirelessly to bring down the Children and keep those he already has captive and deceived. Recent study materials have shone light on the reality that I have a voice and strength and an honest to goodness place in the army of God. God's word has proven it true and experience is making it my reality. So like my ancestors of the Bible, I am taking up the spiritual armor of God and decreeing that I have power over the army of the dark and making the battle cry every day of this fast. I speak the words of David over the dark and carry the light into the enemy camps so as to break their holds, remove them from their bunkers and send them into retreat!

The second motivation was to experience God in a more intimate way. I want to draw near to him and feel his breath and heartbeat. He hasn't failed me either. Every time I come up against a trial during this trip I am met with frustration and with the help of a fellow compatriot I am encouraged and strengthened to fight with the mighty weapon of praise. And faithfully, every time I am flooded with peace and assurance that I am right where he wants me and victory is his. I look forward to what he has for me next.

My directions were changed early on in the mission, but I have been assured that I am still in favor with my Father and my mission is uncompromised at this point.

Day ten of a forty day mission and I feel invigorated and part of something so much bigger than myself. Day ten and the joy I experience while in communion with the Father is more intense than it was ever before. Day ten and I find the words of the Bible so much more meaty and applicable and making sense. Day ten and I can't help but feel that this discipline period is preparing me for MUCH bigger and harder things to come. Day ten, one quarter of the way, and I look forward to the next thirty days of war.

May I bear the armor proudly, constantly and courageously!

Babysitter Blues

2009-12-29T13:12:00.003-05:00

Okay, so LAST week before all the Christmas and Senor Strep Throat rushed through my life I had an idea that I might want to get out by myself after Christmas and while I still had all three kids by myself at home. SO in a smarty moment I was having I texted the babysitter (that's what you do nowadays with these crazy teens!) to see if she'd be available. I get an immediate response of "absolutely! I love your kids! (uh huh) I'm completely open while on vacation, so call me."

So, here I am on day 11 of the 16 day Christmas Break and all a girl wants is to go get her eyebrows and Fu Manchu waxed sans children, right? Right. I pick up the celly and text the sitter to see if she's available and go figure...she's too busy for me. *clawing my cheeks* COME ON! Srsly!? I pre-texted you and everything. (mental note: stop spiffing the babysitter's nightly income)

Where's The Babysitters Club when you need 'em!?

100 Things About Me (that you may or may not care to know)

2009-12-27T20:29:00.002-05:00

1. I'm not a natural red head. Nope, dirty blonde. Let the jokes roll.

2. I paint my toenails regularly but never do my fingernails. Why put the effort in when it'll be chipped or smudged in half an hour.

3. I've only been in love once and I married him.

4. I could eat pancakes, pizza and Cool Ranch Doritos everyday and never get tired of them.

5. I do not like to wait and HATE to be late.

6. I now really feel God when I'm reading the Bible. I didn't use to. It use to be like reading the phone book. I'd read, compute and put it down. Now though, I feel it. It lives for me.

7. I lick the Dorito powder off and throw the chip away. I know, it's gross, but I love it.

8. I have a geographic tongue and it really gets bad when I eat a lot of sugar. No, I won't show you.

9. I don't wear high heels anymore. My man is a head shorter than me, which is distracting enough for people. Adding three more inches is just redundant and asking for it.

10. I have three tattoos. I got the first one when I was seventeen (a rose), had it covered with a bigger sunflower while in college and then the third one a year later (a sleeping blue moon.) There is no significance to any of them.

11. I love to run. I dream about running at superhuman speed and bounding over really tall things.

12. I feel things in my dreams. I often dream of being shot and can feel the bullets hitting me.

13. I'm terrified of spiders. It's a fear that was transferred to me from my mom and so I REALLY try not to pass that on to my kids. Inside though, I'm a quivering mess of jelly.

14. I once read in a Ramona Quimby book about her squeezing out an entire tube of toothpaste and have always wanted to do it.

15. I realized that my daughter's spirit SOARS when she is hiking. I can sense her joy in the wilderness. It's amazing to me.

16. Talking about poo or toots makes me laugh hysterically, so does watching people get hurt. It's sick.

17. I've peed my pants numerous times while laughing, once when I was scared at a haunted house. I was seventeen! I hope that's not a glimpse of things to come.

18. Coffee is a passion of mine. It's soooo comforting.

19. I love to sleep in when I can. My back, however, does not like it at all.

20. I still have the Nike tag I cut out of my husband's t-shirt for him back when we were first dating.

21. I also still have all the pregnancy test that came out positive for my children.

22. My van is a constant mess. There is usually animal crackers and school papers littering the floor and I'm always grossed out and embarrassed when I move the carseats to find a heaping pile of food crumbs, stale french fries and fruit snacks. Minivans should come with mini vacuums installed. Hello!?

23. A raccoon pooped in my van.

24. I will not be leaving my van doors open while in the garage anymore.

25. I never had a single thought about being fat until I went to college and heard about the "Freshman Fifteen" and I've thought I was fat every day since. Thanks a lot Kent State.

26. I had my own personal toilet in my residence dorm at Kent. It was on the abandoned first floor of the building. It smelled bad and was never cleaned that I knew of, but it was private and yes, I would fly down three flights of steps at whatever time day or night to go be by myself to #2.

27. I am SO glad to be done having babies. I have three and enjoy them as much as possible. I do NOT miss them being babies and look forward to their birthdays every year as I watch them grow into themselves. I feel a little guilty about it and the fact that I LONG for retirement with my husband, just so we can be alone.

28. Dang, it's hard to think of 100 things about myself.

29. I despise doing laundry.

30. I enjoy mowing the lawn.

31. I want to see the Eiffel Tower in person and sit in a French cafe quietly sipping coffee.

32. My favorite movies are: Titanic, Shawshank Redemption, Tombstone, The Color Purple, The Passion of the Christ.

33. I ate a cinnamon scented candle when I was about nine years old and had diarhea for two days.

34. My mom and dad were never married, both have other children but I'm an only child between them.

35. I will never own another cat. I now despise cats. Our neighbors cats have scratched our cars and peed in our garage and taunted our dogs. I'm over them. No more cats. Down with the cats.

36. I'm a Libra, but never check my horoscope.

37. I'm a natural blonde but have colored my hair red since I was thirteen. Shoot, I said that one before. Oh well. Bears repeating.

38. I'm not witty. My mother has very quick, sharp wit but it skipped me somehow. I always think of what I should have said way after the conversation.

39. I do not like canned fruit, especially peaches. Bleck.

40. I'll eat most vegetables though, canned or fresh, except hominy, spinach and mushrooms.

41. I don't mind confrontation, but I only go at it when I really have to now. As a younger woman any perceived injustice would set me in fighting mode, but I've realized that it's not a godly manner to always be ready for a fight.

42. I really enjoy reading.

43. I married into a family that I always wished I had growing up and it excites me to think that my kids will have them as they grow.

44. It really irritates me when women my age or younger call me "sweetie", "baby/babe" or "honey." I mean REALLY irritates me. It also bothers me when the cashier asks for my ID and I really don't know why. They are just doing their job, nothing personal.

45. I do occassionally drink, but hardly at all anymore. It makes me too tired, so what's the point?

46. I have three brothers and no sisters. Only one of my brothers has never been in jail. The other two keep bunks on hold.

47. I agree with whoever said that cleaning house with children in it is like shoveling snow in a blizzard. Fruitless.

48. I work as a dispatcher for a local cable company. It's good work and only one day a week, so no complaints.

49. I do not enjoy cooking...baking, maybe. Cooking, not so much. I definitely do NOT enjoy menu planning either. Something in my brain won't allow me to follow through with it. It's like as soon as I commit to a weekly menu I get all claustraphobic and must deviate. Why is THAT? I wanna plan, I wanna know what we're eating and it makes sense and spends less money, but I just cannot do it.

50. I weigh 16 pounds more now than when I was married. I'd love to lose all 16!!

51. I have a Jack LaLanne Juicer and REALLY like using it.

52. If given the opportunity, I'd move to another state or country.

53. Warm, Sunny and Beachy is my ideal vacay.

54. I've never been to the Pacific coast, but hope to.

55. I could see myself going on a vacation all alone and enjoying it immensely. I do not fear being alone, but prefer company.

56. My hair falls out and clogs the shower drain and vaccum. It's super annoying and I do not doubt that my girls' hair issues have something to do with me.

57. I do not react well to criticism, but if given a small amount of time to think about it...I really do take it in, evaluate and apply it if necessary.

58. I love Oreos and milk.

59. I listen to all kinda of music...Top 40's, Old Country, some Classical, Oldies I love.

60. I can sit very still for a very long time although I very rarely ever do.

61. I miss working in a fast paced corporate atmosphere...lunchdates, deadlines, contacts.

62. I believe God knows what is best for me though and do my best to rest in this choice of being an at-home mother.

63. When I get the chance I kneel down wherever I am in my house and give honor to God. He has loved me so well and saved me from myself and a much harder life...not to mention that whole eternally separated from Him thing. *shutter* I grieve to think of those who will remain lost forever.

64. I don't like myself when I get overwhelmed with kids, housework and the chaos of my life. Every time I try not to let it blow, but it ineveitably does. I desire continual order, cleanliness and control...none of which are possible for ME in a house with three small children and two dogs. I just do the best I can to keep up!

65. I hope to be Raptured!

66. I like looking at artwork and creating some of my own. I really enjoyed drawing, painting and ceramics in high school and had some talent. It has diminished over the years to due not using the talent, but I'd like to redevelop it later in life.

67. I played violin for a few years in grade school and never lost the love for it. It's another thing I'd like to redevelop as time would allow.

68. I HAVE developed a great love for God's Word and not only enjoy reading it, but also weep while doing so at times. It's pretty magical really and I feel for people who say they can't "get it" or don't want to read it. I wish that everyone could feel the way I do about it.

69. Scott and I eat chocolate chip yogurt milkshakes several times a week, at night after the kids go to bed. It's "our time" and we covet it.

70. I fight the urge many nights to run across my back yard and throw dried corn at my neighbor's bedroom window. If I have to listen to their barking dog from 11pm to 2-3am...then they need to be awake too. It's only fair.

71. I am a very loyal and forgiving person. If I befriend you, it will take quite a bit of punishment and hurt before I'll turn my back on you. I expect the same in return though.

72. I love, love, love to bless people financially when we can...or to give them something they've needed.

73. I'm a pretty direct person and live my life like an open book. I try to remember that most people are not this way but often stick my foot in my mouth.

74. I wish my Dad and I lived closer. If we could just relocate Wyoming to where Indiana is, that'd be awesome. Actually, if we could just get it into a spot where the airport terminal wasn't SO danged expensive that'd be pretty near awesome. It shouldn't cost $700 to fly anywhere in the US. Europeans travel all over their countries for less than that. Ridiculous.

75. I wear make up nearly every single day of the year. It's necessary...I'm a little scary looking without it. Which reminds me, how rude is it for paparazzi to take snapshots of stars without make-up and splash it across a magazine cover. How would they like it if someone shot a pic of THEIR dimpley buttcheeks and put it on a billboard? I always feel sorry for these starlets. I mean come on, the average woman doesn't believe that these stars ACTUALLY walk around looking magnificent and screen ready all day every day. Come on. Give 'em a break.

76. I am not sure there are 24 more things about me. What else is there that you need to know!?

77. Our checkbook is hardly ever balanced. That drives my husband nuts.

78. I leave clothes in the washer and dryer accidentally. That drives him nuts too.

79. I use to steal things when I was very young. I quit when my future step-sister (who was much older and cooler than I was) found out that I took something small from her. It embarrassed me so badly I never did it again. Okay, okay, the occassional pen from work, but that's it. Scouts honor.

80. I'm so ready for another vacation with my husband...I'll even take my kids this time. I just need to get away from cold Ohio and the daily grind of cleaning up messes and paying bills.

81. I think if God gave me the lottery...I'd really spoil myself and ALL of my family. I'd also go around helping people every chance I got. Money doesn't buy happiness but it does make life easier.

82. My baby girl has strep throat right now and I wish I could take it away from her. :(

83. I have learned a lot from my mother's mistakes and successes, and pray that all the mistakes I see as huge in my mothering will make my children even better parents than Scott and I.

84. Love the smell of roses, fresh laundry from the dryer, my husband's t-shirts and coffee brewing.

85. I like to write, text, Facebook and IM.

86. I use to enjoy talking on the phone but after so many years of competing with the noise level in my house it's just easier to type out what I want to say than say it. I always feel bad for the people who call me. Someday I'll be able to talk on the phone in peace, but not now.

87. I'm wearing black sweatpants, a bright blue Kent State t-shirt and a pink ballcap to work today. Sooo comfy and casual here.

88. I'd rather be sleeping right now.

89. I have hypothryoidism. Hot, right!?

90. This is really waaay too much information for you all, I think. But dang it, I have ten more to go. I can eek out ten more things about myself. Come on, Christy!!

91. I put both socks on and then both shoes, not one sock, one shoe at a time.

92. I DO NOT have that weird thing about having to have my sock seam straight or not touching my toes wrong. I, however, CANNOT eat crunchy tacos b/c the shell ineveitably cracks and makes a mess of the filling. Thank God for soft tacos.

93. I need to step it up at home and start making goals for myself around the house. Just need some accoutability there. It's not cool for me to be home all week and still have mountains of laundry and things left undone all over the place. I can reasonably kick it into gear and do better. It will be one of my 2010 goals.

94. I have never had a close encounter of the alien kind.

95. I do wonder though about the spiritual realm and how much our friends and family who have passed encounter with us, if they do at all. I find that John Edwards really fascinating.

96. If I could talk to someone who passed that I knew...it would probably be my Grandma Francis. I never knew her since she died when I was 3 or 4 years old, but the family all loved her so.

97. If I died today, I'd have to say that I have lived a good life and would die happy and reaching out for Jesus' hand!

98. I like almost all condiments.

99. I'm feeling pressured that number 100 should be a real zinger, but am drawing a blank.

100. I'm done filling out 100 things about myself, am glad about that and I'll bet you are too! :) Hope you know me a little better now though!

Hello?

2009-12-18T07:16:00.002-05:00

Hey, remember me!? Yep - I'm still here it's just been a very long break from writing!

Life has been happening so fast around me and I'm doing my best to keep up with it all. Three kids, two in school, one littlest one who is my mini shadow, two dogs (one of which is a puppy), keeping up (or not) with the housework and calendar commitments and now Christmas too. Phew! I'm pooped out and ready for a vacation.

However, I'm not here to complain...I'm here to give you a quick update. Let's see, I'm still working on Saturdays and that has proved to be a wise move on our parts. Over this past year we've just socked my money into the bank each week and this Fall we were able to take all of what I made and maybe a little more and paid off our van...so no car payments anymore! Woohoo! Now we're hoping to somehow pay ahead on the home loans so we can be debt free. We've been doing this a little this year, but now are hoping to send Ab to private Christian school so we have to juggle that money from somewhere. January will be a time of reevaluation of the finances and spending, so we'll see what can be done with what we have.

October was tough because we had to put our little Max down. He was ten plus years old and having a really hard time breathing along with his other chronic health issues, so we decided it was time to let him go. What a rough life experience that was for this old girl! I still call the other dogs AND THE KIDS SOMETIMES by Max's name and feel a little twinge in my heart, but overall we're glad he's at peace and our house doesn't smell like a decaying dog anymore. RIP Max.

November was great! I don't know where it went. It really was a blur! Thanksgiving was here at my house and we had family in from both sides. Good times, good food, good company! 'Nuff said!

December is going just as fast and it's nearly time to take a look at my "Resolutions" from last year, see what all I've done and make a new list of goals. I think one of those should be for me to write more....I miss it. I read my old posts and think "Damn, I'm a good writer. I need to make more time to do this and stay off of Facebook." Facebook really is fun, but it's also a time stealer and a cheap version of relationships. I need to spend more time farming my relationships with friends and family and less on Farmville, more time filling the emotional tanks of my loved ones and less cleaning the tanks on Happy Aquarium. Right? Right.

Time to start the day here already! Merry Christmas to anyone who might still be out there lurking!

Motherhood is Socially Degrading Me

2009-10-05T14:51:00.006-04:00

I've been out of the full time workplace for four years now and I've recently noticed that I've lost a good chunk of my professional and courteous social graces. While walking through the church hallway yesterday I actually had to tell myself "Christy, we do not pass gas in public" and then hold it. Four years ago, this was an understood thing and my body knew it without being told. Today as I putz around the house with three kids who just blow it out whenever their bodies feel the urge, I'm sad to say that I've fallen lax and joined right in. Someone will fart anywhere in the house and I'll answer them on pitch or with one that says "BEAT THAT!" What? Like you don't do that.

I'm not sure I'll ever be able to poop in a multi-stall public bathroom with the possibility of other adults hearing me. That is a MAJOR thing I do not miss about being in the workplace. I like my own bathroom, my own tissue, my own reachable plunger, my own awesome Bath and Body Works Spray...my privacy. Although, after all these years of doing my business with one or more of my own children banging on the door, flicking skinny toys under the door or having to hold the vanity door shut with both feet to keep the baby from playing in my make-up, hairspray and feminine products...I'm not sure I'd be completely comfortable doing it without them. Apparently I'm codependent now.

Dear Lilly,

2009-08-27T22:46:00.007-04:00

Wow. I can hardly believe it's been two years since you rocked into our lives and changed our family forever. It's been a wild ride the whole two years, but I wouldn't change a thing. The morning I saw that pink line appear on the home pregnancy test, I knew life was going to change drastically. I kept thinking, "Oh God...THREE kids!? Are you sure? Can I really handle this?" Your Dad didn't even really believe me when I took him out to dinner that night and slid a note written on the restaurant napkin that said "I'm pregnant." We were both shocked to say the least. :)

And then nine months and fifty pounds of baby blubber later I had had enough and schedule a date for you to come into the world. I know...I'm the epitome of patience. Your birth was the fastest of all three...a record 3.5 hours! I can still remember how heavy and warm you were when they laid you on my chest. Wow...what an amazing feeling! In 3.5 hours I had gone from a wife and mother of two kids to a woman who had just been handed a third child, a second daughter and had no idea what chaos and absolute joy she was about to bring to me and our family.

This past year has been quite interesting, Lilly. We have watched you go from a baby who was unsteady on her feet, waving her arms around like a monkey to keep her balance to a more sure and steadier walker who fell and hit her head a lot and then ZOOM...I think that was Lilly who just flew by me at mach speed! You are by far, my most daring and acrobatic child. You run without a care, you stay right behind Abby and/or Zach in almost everything they do. In fact, this Summer was the first year in Zach's whole life that he'd even get into the pool waist deep and this, your first year of being in the big pool, YOU jumped feet first into the five foot deep end! Does that tell me anything about your bravery? Yes. Yes, it does! You taught yourself how to swing on the swing set this year, just by watching your older siblings get up and go. I've never had to show you or help you get on a swing and you even push and pump yourself. You gave up the highchair this year too. You wanted to be a "big girl" and sit in the regular seats like your sister and brother, so we let you try. However, we had to make a compromise and give you a booster set so that A) you could reach your food and B) you could still be strapped into the seat. Otherwise you jumped up and down at your own will and disrupted dinner too much. Just in the past few months you started sleeping all through the night too! Hooray! I thought the night would never be here after all three of you kids, but it is and I'm SUCH a happier mom for it. Your vocabulary has taken off too. You never seem to want to talk when other people are around so that we can show you off, but dang girl, we are impressed! You can easily tell us what you need/want, what you do NOT want (this is the big word right now, you'll hear this word a lot too as you get older, it's NO!), who took what from you and how you want them to be punished severely for the infraction. Hee hee. Well, okay, you can sort of tell us that. It comes out like this..."Mooooooom, Zachy took dat. He spanken! *wagging finger at Zach* NO! NO! Zachy!" It's too cute really.

*deep sigh*

So Lilly, I just wanted to take a minute out of the crazy life to say how much I love you, how much we ALL love you. God really knew what He was doing when he nestled you down in my womb without my consent and I praise Him for what you've brought to our family as well as what you will bring to Him. I'm sure He looks in on you and marvels at the qualities of Him that He sees in you.

I know you don't really get the concept of a birthday yet, but I hope that today you feel extra special with all the extra hugs, kisses and love you receive from Daddy, Abby, Zach, Grammas and Grampas and all the people who think you are something special...especially your Mommy.

The Scoop

2009-08-10T15:56:00.002-04:00

So...yes, it's been over two months since I've posted here. Hold the rotten tomatoes, I have a good excuse! Okay...maybe I don't have a good excuse, but I have an excuse. I'll just say it. I've been cheating. I have a mistress and her name is Facebook. I don't know what the male form of a mistress is, so it stays feminine and you'll just have to understand me. Anyway, I can't get enough of it! Mobwars, Games, Chatting, Updating everyone on every stupid or significant thought I have, what I'm eating, what I'm feeling, what I'm doing...it's SOOO self indulgent. And how fun is it to peek in on all my friends and family to see what THEY are thinking, feeling and doing!? It's like the newest way to keep in touch without actually taking time out of my life for a real, live conversation. It figures the Information Super Highway would find a way to make interpersonal relationships impersonal, right? And yet I'm hooked.

That's not to say that my personal relationships have gone down the toilet while I spend hours massaging my computer. No, no, no. In fact, my life hasn't felt this on track in a long while. My friend Karynda and I started attending a bible study every week, um, last November? When I started meeting with these women I had become a woman that I didn't really recognize anymore. Oh, I was about the same on the outside, but inside I had shriveled and sunk down into myself. I'm sure I blogged about it awhile ago, but it was so apparent to me one Sunday when I sat in church seething while looking at all these young, adorable couples around me. I knew something was really wrong. Thankfully, when I turned my heart back toward the Holy Spirit and asked him to begin the transformation, there was no hesitation. It only took about a month of meeting with these older, godly women who truly loved and prayed for me as a sister and my heart had fully softened again. I was no longer seething and miserable inside, confused and in turmoil about how to go about life with my crazy kids and unorganized life. I was starting to reach up out of the fog and the air was clearer up there. *deep breath* It's refreshing and purifying actually. So "big props" to my main man Jesus and his Holy Spirit who is dwelling and changing and growing and all that good stuff inside of me.

So what's been happening in the Baker household the past few months? Summer's been in full swing here. We were at the pool and playing outside and eating ice cream. We were garage saling, walking around barefoot, having sleepovers and having a TON of lemonade stands at the end of our driveway. We've been vacationing, family reunion-ing, playdating and enjoying our friends. We were working and playing tennis and making financial goals and PAYING OFF OUR VAN, which feels awesome. We were considering moving out of our house and seriously looking into buying a new one, but the two homes we were seriously interested in fell through. We took that as a sign and backed off, deciding to instead take a chunk out of our savings to pay the van off and then make extra payments to the house.

At this point in the Summer we are all exhausted by each other's presence. So much so that I find myself scavaging for any quiet alone time I can. If I get up before the kids do in the morning I feel assaulted if they intrude into my time by waking up early. How dare they, right? The kids are sick of playing with each other and just plain picking on one another. You know that ol' {pointing a finger at the other just an inch away from the face} and saying "I'm not touching you, you doodyhead." Ack! Stop it! "Mom, he's not touching me and being SO annoying." If you not touch your sister again you are going to your room! Get down off the counter! Stop jumping on the couch! SHUT...THE...DOOR!!! Seriously people, I know this is stuff that the everyday mom deals with and it's no more difficult for me than any of them, but oh my gosh, school needs to start as soon as possible. I'm going to have a "Back to School" party for myself on the 24th. Not sure what all that entails, but it's gonna happen. Maybe it'll be a pedicure and coffee, maybe it'll be a Glamour magazine and bag of Hershey Kisses on the couch with no one wallowing all over me. Whatever it is, it's gonna rock to have the kids in school on a regular basis and I want to celebrate a good Summer, which means I didn't kill any of them and they didn't declare mutiny, gag and duct tape us down in the basement.

That's the long and short of the past two months or so. I'm sure that any of you who know us well enough are also following us on Facebook, but I'll try to get the juicy bits of our lives back into this blog. That's something that Facebook can't capture - the in's and out's of the really interesting parts of our life...and there are many!

Be well, Friends!

Blast From The Past

2009-05-22T14:53:00.003-04:00

Remember this toy from childhood? I do. I think back when I had one it was called The Mop Top Hair Shop. This one I found at a garage sale today for fifty cents. The original one I played with came with a few holey-headed people, the barber chair that pumped play-doh up into the heads, a plastic pair of scissors and a few hair-do molds. This one comes with two people, the chair and a clipper that supposedly buzzes when it touches the play-doh. Eh, for fifty cents I think it was a good deal, but man, they don't make toys like they use to. I'm sure whomever I bought this from paid at least $10 for this set and it's about worth fifty cents, I think. I couldn't leave it behind though. It'll be something else they can share when we do get the play-doh out instead of the three of them fighting over two play-doh toy sets.

Sleepy Eye

2009-05-20T21:09:00.010-04:00

Back when Scott and I actually use to "make out" I'd always come away from the breathless span of kissing with my eyes closed. It was hard to open them again and regain composure, so I'd say that he gave me "sleepy eyes" again. I loved it.

I was taking a few shots of myself the other day because 1) I felt like I need to update my profile picture on Facebook and 2) I felt particularly cute this day, but afterwards had to rethink my definition of "sleepy eyes" for myself.

I sit my camera on the shelf of my cupboard, click the timer, pose, smile and SNAP. Crud. That was an awful one. So I repeat the process a few times. You be quiet, you do it too. I grab the camera and take a look at the shots in horror. WHAT IS WRONG WITH MY EYE!? Do I have a lazy eyelid or something!? My left eye (is that my left or yours? Mine, I think.) is totally trying to close on me. Seriously people, I'm not trying to look all seductive OR drugged in this shot. No, THAT'S MY NORMAL EYE SHAPE WHEN I SMILE! Oh you see it, I know you do.

Umm, it's making me feel all weird about myself when I smile now. And how awful too because Scott already tells me that I look "b*tchy" when I'm not smiling, like I need to walk around with a perma-smile on or something. Now when I do smile I realize my one eye is looking like it wants to go to sleep on me.

I think I've read somewhere that one side of your face is dominant and apparently my left side lost the coin toss.

There's absolutely no real, solid, life changing point to this post. I just wanted to share my retarded eye with the rest of the world. You may now go back to whatever was surely more important than this.

Poo Dunnit?

2009-05-17T20:23:00.004-04:00

It's a nice leisurely Sunday morning. I have my two cups of cinnamon spiked coffee (yea, that's my new thing...a dash of cinnamon in my grounds before the brew) while sitting on the couch. I realized I'm gonna miss the first service at church and decide to make the most of the morning by cleaning out my junk drawer, clearing off the kitchen sink window ledge and shaving Max, our old fart of a poodle. Oh yea, baby...leisure turned into git 'er done!

I get all this done, hop in the shower and get us moving out the door for eleven o'clock service. Scott got the kids in the car for me, while I finished getting myself together, and when I finally jumped in I smelled something like vomit. I said "eew, what is that smell!?" and looked over to see two seven inch long BIG turds on the floor of the passenger seat!!! UGH! GROSS!!

I jumped clear out of the van, but the poor kids are strapped in and screeching at me, bug eyed, to tell them what kind of monster is left in the van with them. Of course by this time Scott had gone ahead for work, so I had to put on my big girl panties and clean it up myself. Nasty. I have a habit of leaving my sliding door open on the van and here recently the raccoons have been coming in our garage foraging for food (which really translates into tipping over the trash cans, scratching the bags open and spreading the rotten garbage all over the floor as a buffet.) Well, I guess yesterday one had to take a big ol' poopie while he was attempting to steal whatever stale french fry or animal cracker he could find under the carseats and thought "eh, this nice vanilla coconut smelling van looks like a good spot!"

Listen, I'm all for live and let live and I don't even own a gun YET. But at this point, my motto is now gonna be: He who takes a poo in my van has stepped over the line into "I'm gonna pop a cap in yo furry raccoon tail if I see you in there again" territory.

Stupid raccoons. I once thought they were cute. I even overlooked having to clean up my own garbage they clawed apart. I also tried to overlook the night they woke us up at 2am knocking over the trash cans while trapped inside the garage. But this? This is the last straw. I'm heading over to google how to go to war against raccoons.

$50 worth of fun

2009-05-11T12:09:00.004-04:00

Last Fall our friend Shawn handed us a Hot Wheels Jeep that his daughters had outgrown. Zach was enamoured with it, but unfortunately the battery it came with was dead. We didn't figure it was worth the money to buy a new battery right then since Winter was impending. So it sat in the garage and then at the side of the house. For the past several months he and the other kids would pull it out, hop in and take turns pushing each other around in it...always hoping it would somehow spark to life and run them around the neighborhood.

So we finally decided we'd just go ahead and get the battery now since Summer is all but here. We went through two big stores and came up empty at both. Must have been a big run on 12v Hot Wheels batteries in Reynoldsburg! I ran into a neighbor today while out and he mentioned a battery store right near us. They wanted a few more dollars for the battery than the superstores, but hey, we got the Jeep for FREE, so what's the big deal in buying the battery, right?

Next to scoring big on the big box of puzzles at Christmastime THIS was the best money spent on Zach. He friggin' loves it! Lilly, God bless her, she was just happy as can be to be the rider and giggle through the whiplash.

It's gonna be a GREAT Summer! I can feel it.

Not Too Bad, If I Do Say So Myself

2009-05-02T13:14:00.003-04:00

I was checking back through old posts here while sitting at work. Lucky girl, right, all that time to spend lazily. Not really, just in between mad dashes of installers calling in to complete their jobs. Anyway, I came back to my resolution post and was pretty siked to see that many of them are completed or on their way to completion. Yes!

1.Go on a beach vacation with my hubby (PLANNED FOR JULY!)
2.Run a 5K (or more?) and actually condition so I can have a respectable time (IN PROCESS)
3.Get a tattoo that has some personal meaning (Rethinking this one...stay tuned)
4.Have lunch with Abby at school (DID IT!)
5.Volunteer to do something I have never done before and am uncomfortable with. (DID IT!)
6.Cut down the pizzas and milkshakes (see the lose fifteen pounds) (DID IT!)
7.Actually see Zach fully potty-trained (DID IT! This is my absolute favorite one!)
8.Drink more water and less coffee (starting today) (DID IT!)

Maybe a Little Crazy

2009-04-28T17:05:00.004-04:00

So I'll admit it...I'm going a little nuts at home. Our kids and work (housework included) have the both of us white knuckling the edge of our sanity, wondering if there will ever be an end to the chaos. Last night I went out for my daily run and went on my 1.5 mile route. On this particular route I have to pass a house that has an eight pound Jack Russell Terrier whom I've dubbed "the evil punk dog." Yesterday was a particularly hard day for me and about fifteen minutes after Scott got home HE was pushing me out the door to run and relieve some stress. So I jog pass by this house with Evil Punk Dog and I know what's coming. I have to prepare myself because there have been a few times when this little snot has scared me so hard that I nearly wet my pants. Not because he's so vicious or intimidating, but because I have my Mp3 player going on blast and the little shister darts out at me at a Jaguar's pace from behind whatever evil rock or bush he's lurking behind, yiping, snapping and coming within inches of his invisible fence boundaries. Freakin' goober dog. Grrrr! Right back atcha, you little punk!

I know it's not nice of me to think so ill of a cute little dog (he IS cute despite his nasty defensive ankle biting tendancies), but yesterday it took every last ounce of restraint (which wasn't much, trust me) I had not to jump across his invisible line and punt his hairy butt back to the porch with my size nine pink New Balance running shoe. And this is what I've been reduced as a stressed out stay at home mom of three...a crazy lady who was a hair's breath away from kicking a tiny neighborhood dog.

We Have Success!

2009-04-23T15:13:00.002-04:00

Praise the Lord! Our Zachary is finally potty trained!

You'll remember that we have been at this whole training deal for a year. When he turned three I pulled out the little potty, the brand new "big boy" Lightening McQueen undies, the reward chart, the stickers, the books, the videos and we went at it. It started out as a sweet mommy trying to teach her little boy the ropes. Oh sweet, sweet mommy who lovingly overlooked the accidents, the refusals to sit on the potty and encouraged him that "he could get it next time." Uh yea, she gave way to witchy, evil, speak through her clenched teeth mommy who threatened him within an inch of his life if he didn't "sit! down! on! that! POTTY! and POOP!"

Oh my heavens, friends, if me NOW could talk to me THEN I'd tell her to just cool it and wait.

Then just a few days before his 4th birthday (note: a whole year later) I caught him upstairs in his room trying to poo in his pants and whisked him straight to the potty. I was trying to cram his stiffened up, screaming body down onto the potty just in hopes of him dropping it in accidentally. Nope, he held it. I didn't care though. I made him sit and sit and sit, crying his eyes out the whole time. I sat crumpled at his feet begging him, threatening him, bribing him and finally, I just laid my head on the side of the tub and prayed out loud. "Lord! Please! Please just help Zach do this. Help him not be scared and to go potty. Please." And, sweet as pie, my little man said "Mom?" I looked up at him defeated and he says to me, "Mom, Jesus said I can get off the potty now." Touche, dude.

So I let him down, refuse to put undies back on him and made him sit on the potty every fifteen minutes as we had been doing for a week or so before. And FINALLY...he did it. I sent him in alone and a few minutes later he sheepishly opened the door and said "I did it." Hee hee!

And God as my witness, this kid has been doing it on his own ever since, every day, sometimes a few times a day. Are you kidding me!? Yay! He just had to decide on his own that he was going to do it and when he did...that's all she wrote. It's like a huge anvil has been lifted off of us. No more poopy pants and he is SO proud of himself. Now I get the extreme privilege of seeing his huge smile every day when he proudly declares he "did it!"

Way to go, Zach! It's just one more thing that proves YOU ARE THE MAN!

A Couple Random Thoughts

2009-04-16T08:08:00.004-04:00

1. I love, love, love fresh pineapple. Oh yum-o. I've actually never had it until now b/c I'm not a huge fan of pineapple anyway. I always picked around it in the fruit cocktail. Then a friend at work gave me a slice of hers to taste and wow... we now have it cut and ready each week. I'm making pineapple smoothies with coconut milk for Abby and I. Yum. If you have an Aldi store near by you they carry REALLY sweet pineapples for $1.99.

2. This morning's sunshine is confusing me. It's too bright, too early and it keeps making me feel like I'm behind. We've had grey skies and rain for well, a week or better (seems like a month!) and this bright, sunshiney sunshine is most welcome but oh so strange. It's frickin' freezing outside, but as I look outside I can see plumes of steam dancing upward off of each fence picket and piece of deck furniture. It looks like the wetness is praising God, if you ask me. :)

3. Speaking of God. He shows up at the greatest times. As I'm slurping down my chocolate martini #2 last night I get a ping from a facebook friend and we begin to chat. I'm facebooking, having much needed stress relieving cocktails, listening/watching American Idol and having such a sweet chat with my friend who is telling me all about her praiseworthy experience of losing her first child. She amazed me. I appreciated and soaked in the spiritual maturity of her ability to praise God in the face of such a loss. For her to be able to see and touch her son's copper red hair, his still, porcelain face, feel the amazement that he is and give him and it ALL to God in the same space of time. Wow. Her story touched me so b/c it reminded me that fear, anxiety, loss and pain are not winners. I watch today as my mom goes through misery and torture and wonder, "God, where are you? Why won't you bless her? Why won't you MOVE? She's soo sad and lonely and apart." My friend's story reminds me that He is always there, no matter it be during a celebration or a mourning or anything between...HE...IS...THERE. The heart is the issue. Where is the heart? Is it sucuumbing to the siren call of fear, anxiety, loss and pain or is it broken and open to God.

4. I ran three full miles yesterday! Although I did have to walk a few small portions of it...I'm still proud of myself for making it through. Mile four...here I come!

Abba

2009-04-09T07:38:00.003-04:00

That You thought of me, I am humbled. Sin threatened my life like thief with a dagger, but You bore the slash and pain of that dagger, the weight of my sin, the separation that was to be mine.

I watch this video and I cry every time...the whole movie was agony because I knew as I watched that my sin deserved that and You did not. What a gift! What an absolutely beautiful gift that I am embarrassed to say I disregard so many days of my year. I am SO sorry, Father. Forgive me for letting earthly life take precedence over You. I thank you for washing away my sins with one simple prayer and accepting of a free gift. Thank you for taking my nails, my lashes of the whip, my kicks and punches, my crown of thorns and my death and separation from God. It seems so small to even say Thank You for it. Lord, may my life be an offering to You on a daily basis. Change me. Woo me. Call me strongly to be a sold out, all committed servant of the Most High.

I love you.

Runnin' Fool

2009-04-03T14:40:00.003-04:00

So I've finished two solid weeks of consistent running. I've been running from 1.5 to 3 miles per day - taking Fridays off. It's actually stressing me out today knowing that it's an "off" day and I need to not run.

I feel awesome though! I am SO proud of myself and can see small results already. I'm not eating as lousy as I was before (can't run on junk fumes or a full stomach), my stomach muscles feel tighter to me and I swear I saw a ripple of muscle on my thigh the other day. Yay! But of course I jump on the scale today and I've freakin' gained a pound!!!! :eek: Uh, not what I wanted to see AT ALL. I know, I know...gaining muscle, speeding the metabolism...weight loss will come eventually...but on a "break" day I definitely did NOT want to see that higher number. I'm trying not to let it settle in my mind and fester.

Tomorrow is suppose to be nicer than today (it's grey and raining all day), so I'm focusing on my morning run and not on today. Tonight is Abby's birthday party at Chuck E Cheese...I will not over-eat and ruin my morning run. :D

Have a great weekend, friends!

Like SO Totally!

2009-03-28T21:40:00.003-04:00

Yesterday I met two of my friends that I went to school with when I lived in Bucyrus. I haven't seen them since 1993-94 when my jerk ex-step-dad kicked us out unexpectedly one day and we moved back to Marion. It was such fun seeing them again and how even though our life experiences have changed the way we look a little, we were basically the same girls I remember back as Sophmores in high school.

So I had my yearbook and old pictures out and as Abby is thumbing through and sees me, she says "Um, mom, did you like mean to wear that much make-up? It doesn't look so good." Hee hee. I told her that almost all young girls wear too much make-up and think it still looks good, but that we eventually learn how to apply it properly. And she goes "yea, and your hair was SO high!" I laughed out loud, of course, because she was SO right, but then defended myself and said "THAT was how we ALL wore our hair back then! LOTS of hairspray and really high bangs." I have plenty of pictures to prove it!

I told her when we got home I'd do our hair like we did back then and she reluctantly agreed. I, for one, had a blast doing it. Although, my hair has been out of that kind of shape for so long that it took several teases and several spray, curl, blow dries to get it to stand up. Abby's, however, obeyed like good virgin hair does. I thought she was rockin' the hair, but she just thought it was too retarded for words.

I Feel Robbed

2009-03-25T15:23:00.002-04:00

So I decided to make Broccoli Rice Casserole for Abby and I for dinner tonight. I distinctly remember buying this 160z bag of broccoli yesterday, purposefully buying a name brand (which I rarely do anymore) thinking that I'd get more broccoli heads than stems.

I break the bag open just now and take a gander inside. What do I see? Not broccoli heads, that's for sure! Nope, just a crapload of stems and pieces. WTHeck!? I paid full price for name brand to get nothing better than this?

Honestly people, there is ten ounces of stems and pieces here and maybe a cup worth of heads. Dang it! Makes me want to shove it all back in the bag and return it. This is deceitful robbery, if you ask me. I could have bought a whole fresh head of broccoli for this price! Grrr....

Guess it'll be Broccoli Stem and Rice Casserole tonight. *sigh*

A Couple Random Thoughts at 5:00 on a Saturday

2009-03-21T07:03:00.009-04:00

1) I went out and bought hair extensions this week. Yep, I did. I thought they'd help me get through this awful hair growing out transition. And in my humble opinion, they look sweet. My hair is still too short though to pull them off, so whatever, screwed again out of a fun fashion item. I swear that's been the story of my non-fashionable life. I've always been on the tail end of every fashion, just when it got less popular and came down in price so the rest of us uncool people could buy the whatever on super sale or the knock-off style at Walmart, Ten Below or some other non-brand store. Same thing with my hair. And now that I have the money to go out and buy the latest fashion things, I'm either to old and fluffy to shop in those stores OR I'm too guilty to spend the money on the stuff.

2. I'm seriously thinking of Googling "voluntary hysterectomy" because (male readers, skip to thought #3) I am SO tired of having a period. Seriously. I started two days ago and now on my third day I am FINALLY having Flo. So okay, day three and that means I'll be riding the tide for at least another five days and then another two for it to wane off and stop. I am SO sick of it. Eighteen years of this crud, vomiting, excruciating pain, blackouts, bleedouts, many, many pain relievers, three kids and a tubal later...I'm done. Take it out. I'm tired of the PMS and twelve plus weeks a year that are stolen from me.

3) I LOVE MY KIDS. Yep, I love the little shisters so much. They are at great ages right now. Abby's gonna be eight in April and she's like having a little sister around more often than not. The NOT being when she is reverts back to be four and picking fights with her little brother or whining at us about how unfair her life is. Anyway...she's become my little running partner and has actually surprised me. I really enjoy running with her and she can keep up for the most part. We're only doing a small mile each time, but she keeps a pace and keeps my mind off of how much I'd rather be sitting on the couch getting fatter. So I've dubbed her my running partner and am seriously thinking about entering the two of us into some fun races this Spring/Summer. How friggin' fun that would be!

And Zach is pretty hilarious right now...when he's not dropping a load in his underwear, that is. Yea, he's still doing that even though we had a great success of him sitting and doing it on the potty. Stubborn little thing. Scott asked him the other day how much he loved Daddy and he quickly said "20!" Hee hee. And then this morning as I was leaving to go to work I bent down to give Daddy a kiss at the computer and Zach got in the mix of us and said "I love you so much, Mommy and Daddy." So I said "we love you too, buddy" and he says "yea, I love you guys." (insert warm fuzzy feelings here) What a kid!

Little Miss Lilly is REALLY enjoying the outdoors. When she decides it's time to go out she goes to the coat closet, grabs her aqua blue Crocs and brings them to me along with her coat all the while saying "I go owside. I go owside." This kid absolutely LOVES going down the slide too. She waddles her diaper butt right over to it, throws her chubby leg up onto the wrung and up she goes. She doesn't wait for help either. She just heaves herself down and smashes at the bottom with a laugh. Fearless, I tell ya. Oh, but don't tick her off. She has a scream that can break your eardrum.

Three kids is STILL a lot to handle, but every month it gets easier and easier on us. It's nice to see a light at the end of the tunnel.

4) I DO think that when you have a baby, each one should also come with a Dyson. I honestly am in complete shock and awe by the amount of crumbs these kids trail around the house. Crumbs and little pieces of paper and bits of stuff EV-ER-Y-WHERE! It's maddening. But I press on..Scott and I both do. We wipe, we sweep, we dust, we pick up...and ten minutes later we have to go do it in another room. And to think...one day we'll miss it all. Or so I hear.

5) Thank goodness Khloe Kardashian is on the show Keeping Up With The Kardashians. I was watching last night and the show was about how she was going to work with a PETA campaign. I'm not all supportive of getting naked for any good cause, but the that's what the deal was with her...her body image/dealing with being naked in the media. I guess she was getting comments about being a gorilla or amazon woman next to her sisters. Oh yea...well, if she's a gorilla then I'm a monkey's uncle. People please. she's just as gorgeous as her two sisters and I, for one, am glad she is the build that she is so that I (a regular sized girl) can identify with SOMEONE or SOMETHING on that show. I could totally see me being the cocky, outspoken, tough sister. You go, Khloe!

Alright...enough randomness from me. Have a great week, friends!

Coochie Cream

2009-03-03T07:56:00.006-05:00

Let me insert a little earthly girl reality here, right on the heels of all my spirituality stuff. See...you just never know what I'm gonna say at any given time!

Do you wax *down there*? Do you do the "daily shave" or are you au natural?

I have a friend who for Valentine's Day decided to surprise her hubby with a freshly waxed Vag. Wow. Now THAT'S love! Am I right, girls? Just thinking about melted wax, muslin strips, thick coarse pubic hair and my sweet vag all in one sentence makes me want to curl into the fetal position. But she did it. My friend did it and oh boy, was her hubby EXCITED.

Okay, so I'm not real down with going to a salon and having it done, but I'm looking at myself *down there* and thinking...yea, a little vag-scaping might be in order.

I asked the gals at work awhile ago if they did regular maintenance and was SHOCKED to find that I was the only bush in the room. Apparently there is this cream out there called Coochie Cream and they use it to do their daily shave. I guess I missed that girl memo somewhere along the line.

So I figure I'll just use some Suave, a razor and trim up the kitty.

Uhhhh, hello itchy razor bumps, daily maintenance and prickley sensation while walking and bending down!! Yeee-ow!

So, after a week or two of this mild self-imposed torture I've come to the conclusion that I am neither paying a woman to painfully wax my coochie area nor painfully shaving the heck out of it. I'll just take care of the stray bikini spiders and call it a day.

To all of you fine women who are stronger and/or more capable than me in the vag-scaping, my hat is off to you. I'll be the hairy one over here. Hey, maybe I can start a new trend of vag hair maintenance...dye it a pretty shade of pink...put a bow in and voila!

Family Worship

2009-02-24T16:36:00.006-05:00

Do you or did you worship as a family at home? We don't. I, for
one, would like to start doing something as a family. I think with the
ages of our kids though, eight, four and one and a half, it might be kinda hard
finding something that works as a group.

I was just reading the book Shepherding a Child's Heart by Ted
Tripp. Okay, okay...I've been "reading" it for like half a year now, but
it IS a good book every single time I pick it up. I just get distracted
easily. *wink* So, in this book he's talking about Family Worship and here
are his thoughts on it. I thought them interesting and wanted to share
with all my peeps who have younger kids.

The practice of family worship is a means, not an end. It is a means
to the end of knowing God. The name of the game is not daily family
worship per se; it is knowing God. The end is knowing God. A means to employ in
reaching that end is family worship.

You need family worship that connects with your children and
their lives. You must be creative and flexible in assuring that your
family worship serves the shepherding and nurturing tasks
we have outlines above.

Reading the Proverbs daily is of great benefit to children (and
adults). Our daily practice was to read one-third of a chapter of
Proverbs before school each day. This was a rich source of wisdom and
encouragement for our children. We have seen them learn and then later
internalize the principles in this practical section of the Word of
God. The Proverbs serve as an owner's manual for life. Proverbs
confronts a child with every aspect of true spirituality.

When our children were little, we would read Old Testament passages and act
them out. I have been Goliath (with help of a chair). We have hidden
in caves (under the table) with David as he ran from Saul. Reading some of
the Psalms pf persecution in that setting made them come alive for our
children. One day, we packed our things and set out on foot, talking about
Abraham who left Ur not knowing where he would go, only knowing God would go
with him. We tried to imagine walking away from our home knowing we would never come back again. We tried to imagine not knowing where we would
go.

Why do all this? For this simple reason: to make the Bible truth live
for our children. Always remember that the goal of family worship is
knowing God. When you lose sight of that goal, family worship becomes an
empty ritual. You need only read Isaiah 1 to see how God feels about empty
ritual.

What a good idea, right? I can just imagine Scott with a towel wrappedaround his head secured with a rope of some kind pretending to be from the Old Testament. Hee hee hee. I think we're gonna give it a try and it's gonna take me getting out of my comfort zone and being 100% okay with being silly and childlike. I think that's a great thing about being a parent. You get to act like a kid and live life through their eyes whenever you want to take that golden opportunity. Pretty awesome!

I Want God To Be My Rockstar

2009-02-21T09:31:00.003-05:00

So, I've realized a few things this past week. A few things that the Holy Spirit is working on me with and are a tidbit painful. To tell you the truth, these aren't new things that I've learned; I've had to come to realize them before, but in a different way.

Most of you know that I come from a split family situation. My mom and dad were never married to each other, just two souls coming together to bring forth new life. Yay me! My dad moved out to Wyoming and started his life there with my step-mother and they had my little brother. Here I am 31 years old and I STILL struggle with the fact that I don't have my dad around. A majority of my life I've held my dad at this rockstar status, kind of untouchable, always wanting to be near him but couldn't. I often have dreams of him showing up at my door or just walking up into whatever I was doing in the dream. It always takes me by surprise and I get distinct feeling of thrill and excitement in the dream.

In late Fall/early Winter I was going through one of those "gawd, I just want my dad" spells and at the same time he was going through some rough stuff where he was. So not only was he physically unable to reach me, I think he really didn't have it emotionally to give to me over e-mail or phone. Frankly, I was spiritually dry, dry, dry at that time too and was unable to see through my own personal feelings. I did not take it to the Lord AT ALL, but rather sat and sulked and brought up every reason why I should just give up the whole relationship. Oh, I had all kinds of self-righteousness going down. Looking back on it...it's embarrassing and I hate that.

Now this isn't to say that my feelings aren't valid, I just acted out of emotions instead of rationally. Look, I miss the crap out of my dad and it will probably take a long while to work through all my "daddy issues", but I can see now that I need to just let it all go into God's hands because frankly, I'm messing it all up. I know that my dad is a regular person just like any of the rest of us. I am trying to get him out of this elevated status that my child's mind has put him in and really know that he's fighting his own battles, can't change history and probably longs to be with me just as much. I know now that I have been trying to shove the two of us into this pretty, perfect box and every time we didn't fit (which has been all my life) I'd throw a hissy fit and whine (either outloud or have an internal pity party.) "It's not fair that he's alllll the way out there and I'm here! I just want a dad to hold me! Why don't I have a dad around to call when things go wrong or I need advice? Boo-hoo-hoo"

The truth is...I do. I have a heavenly Father who is more than enough for me and can be relied on no matter what. I've had my focus on what I think I'm missing out on, instead of taking it for what it is and letting God fill in the gaps. I had to learn that with my relationship with my husband too. I was consistently flinging jealous attitude his way. If he was gone too long or spending too much time out of the house (tennis, work, etc) I'd throw a cold-shoulder his way for a day or so. I finally got some quiet words inserted directly from above that clearly said "he'll never be enough for you. You'll only find your everything in Me. I can give you everything you need and more." It didn't happen overnight, but I did let go of those jealous feelings and came to fully trust my husband. He had earned it afterall, but my history with men had told me that they eventually leave or do something hurtful to me, so be sure to keep a guard up. The Lord took that wall down for me, filled in those gaps and glory be to Him b/c my marriage is stronger than ever right now.

So what I'm getting from all directions right now (Scriptures, talking with wiser older women and that quiet voice inside) is that I need to look to God as my Rockstar and let my Dad be a dad. Our relationship may never fit into a pretty box. We may never live any closer than 1400 miles. I may have to be content with a purely phone relationship and any possible visits we may get in over the years. But most importantly, I need to lay all these issues I have DOWN, back the heck away and let God work it to fit whatever shape he wants it to be.

In the meantime I will have to wait and see if my stubbornness has closed the door for good.

What's Going On

2009-02-17T12:53:00.005-05:00

Scott has been working and healing all Winter. He sprained his ankle on the tennis court in November and hasn't seen any good tennis action since. He's been in physical therapy three days a week and recently got the okay to mildly jog and has gone down to PT two days a week. Overall I think it's healing well albeit very slow. He's also healing from some wild stomach virus/our bad eating habits coming to head. Honest to goodness, we still eat pizza (frozen usually) once a week and we've been eating out a bit more lately due to birthdays, convenience and/or laziness. Anyway, for the past four or so days he'd been complaining that his stomach was queasy and he couldn't eat. We chalked it up to too much junk food, but then Sunday night/Monday morning he woke me up making this godforsaken sound clear from the downstairs bathroom. Oh, and let's not forget the foulness he had to burp for 24 hours. My gawd, it was like a tiny corpse was rotting in his stomach!

Now, let's pause and really get the effect here. My husband hasn't puked since he was in high school and was very proud of this fact. Whenever he'd get a bellyache he'd declare it, but then quickly add that he would not puke since he'd not puked since high school. So about 2am on Monday morning I'm in the inky black abyss of lovely sleep and suddenly I jerk awake to this noise that sounded like a goose being acutely choked. And I'm telling you...it.was.loud. God love Scott. He was downstairs trying to just get himself to puke but apparently his body has been SO out of practice he couldn't even gag himself into vomiting. Did you hear that he had not puked since high school? *tongue in cheek*

So I jump out of bed and run downstairs to make sure that, in fact, a goose was not being choked inside my house, to find my poor husband vomiting his toenails up into the bathroom trashcan. I felt so horrible for him and that I couldn't do anything to help. And you know the last thing you want when you are like that is to have company. I did try to help and keep him company but for the sake of his dignity I went back to bed and I think he made it back upstairs about 5am. The morning light brought a mildly better day for him healthwise but I still don't think he's 100% yet. He lost five friggin pounds just over night.

As far as I go, I think I'm hanging right in there. This Winter is starting to take it's toll on me. I'm so over being stuffed inside the house, not being able to take a nice long walk. I'm ready to play out front and sit on the back deck. Eh, but what's the use complaining? Everyone else feels the same way and we got another two months at least. I'll just be dreaming of warmer, poolside days of Summer!

Spiritually I feel like I'm waking up again. I joined a women's Small Group at church and these ladies are really, really neat. They are all older than me, except for my friend Karynda, who is younger than me. These ladies are all more consistent and wise in their own ways and experiences, so they are just what I need in my life right now.

Scott and I are doing well in the ol' marriage department. We've never really had too much issue between us anyway, but since he's been home more (due to not being able to play tennis) I feel like we're a tighter family. I'm still thinking about what we possibly could do for our ten year anniversary this Summer. A long beach vacation looks to be out of reach for us, but something more local might be cool too.

Life seems to have come to a place where we're good. We are surviving the economic downturn - thanks be to God. My kids are all healthy (aside from the yucky viral bugs that keep creeping in on them) and happy. In fact, this post has gone on waaaay too long. So I'll update on the kids tomorrow!

May You Be As Blessed By This As I Was

2009-02-16T11:08:00.001-05:00

I Know We're Fireproof But Sometimes My Girl Tude Gets The Better of Me

2009-02-05T19:59:00.006-05:00

Okay, so I've read a couple books in the span of my almost ten year marriage and I get it...men and women are different. Yea, yea..he's a clam, I'm a crow bar. He's from Mars and I'm from Venus. The love tank is empty and in order to fill it you gotta find his love language. Aye-Aye-Aye! I get it...we're different.

I also get that men can be pretty dang dense in the lovey-dovey department, especially after we get married. Why bother buying the cow flowers after you've already married it, right? Uh, hello guys? You buy the damn flowers because you want your sex tank filled and because you want your underwear lovingly folded in your drawer, as opposed to crumpled and half wet in the dryer for two days. But I get it already, a guy usually needs it spelled out for him. "Honey, I'm feeling a little low in the love tank department and my love language is gifts, so you need to get your toosh up off the computer and get me something pretty or suffer the consequences." Not too hard. I don't mind being blunt with my man.

So, here it is February 2009 and I can count on one hand the number of times in the past year that my husband (who cannot claim ignorance) has bought me something without being solicited, brow beaten or let off the hook (i.e. I buy my own gift.) And I'm a simple gal, I don't NEED expensive presents...make me a card, send me a free e-card, fold me up one of those origami cranes...heck, I'd take a nice cup of coffee from somewhere that rhymes with Arbucks on your way home.

Every stinkin' month I go through about a three day spell where I feel all mushy and wish the guy I loved would make me feel special, and I inevitably tell him and he inevitably takes note of it and tucks it neatly in the "deal with it later" pile in his brain.

So, I sit on this post for a day or so...just enough time to let the Holy Spirit do a little work in me. If had just hit send on this, most likely I'd have just made my hubby feel all crappy and like why bother giving me any dang thing. We sat down last night and watched "Fireproof" together. At the beginning we were both thinking "okay, here we go with the cheesy acting *rolling our eyes*" but we sat and gave it a fair chance. And surprisingly this was a really good movie. Honestly, it was a really good interpretation of how men and women argue and think, and I really like the idea of a 40 day challenge. At the end of the movie we just sat there with each other, hugging and I swear a tear or two fell, but we were both in complete agreement that the marriage covenant we have is FULLY intact and healthy. We also both agreed that it's high time that we both grow up spiritually. We've gotta do some soul housekeeping and just get over ourselves thinking that we can do it later. Later has come and it's time to be humbly obedient to God's call for us to be close to him...no matter what time it takes, no matter how sensitive it makes us, no matter what it costs. It's time.

And I really believe that as we get closer to Him, He'll bring us closer to each other. How can we go wrong with that equation? We're already pretty darned close, so closer is only gonna be better! If you haven't seen "Fireproof," go rent it. It's worth the time.

The List

2009-01-27T13:03:00.002-05:00

So it's near the end of January here and I wondered this morning about my list of things that I wanted to do/stop doing this year, and just how I'm doing so far. A little housekeeping of the soul, I suppose. So just how AM I doing?

Well, I can honestly say that I have cut the chocolate chip milkshakes out (whether they were chocolate yogurt or not, doesn't matter.) I did have ONE the day after Abby got her braces on, but I've been very good since...as far as chocolate chip milkshakes go anyway. Actually, Scott and I have put each other on a diet. We decided together that by our Ten Year Anniversary in July we'd both like to be fifteen pounds lighter. At fifteen pounds lighter that would put us both just five pounds heavier than we were when we got married. Unfortunately neither one of us has really worked out regularly lately. Scott's been banned from running and all tennis (except the Wii *wink*) until his ankle sprain heals. I've just been 100% lazy. We did move the treadmill into the finished room in the basement so that we'd have access to music and TV while working out, so that has helped. I've lost a whole measley pound in like two weeks. So, needless to say, it's time to buck up in the workout area. :)

Okay, so that was working on #3 and #11. I am trying!

#13 - drink less coffee and more water is going half way well. I've cut the coffee down to one or two cups of sugarless coffee a day. And that's good! I was drinking a full pot throughout the course of a day and had it loaded with sugary creamer. I guess since I took the sugar crack out of the coffee, it's taken the fun out of it, hence drinking less. Drinking more water is another story. I just haven't tried - but I will.

#12 - seeing Zach fully potty trained is just a dream at this point. He still has NO desire to sit on the toilet, any toilet...and we now have witnesses to Zach's turds being on the floor. God help us.

OH! I did have lunch with Abby at school one day (#8), but it hardly counts because I had to drop off Tylenol for her achey teeth and I only stayed at the lunch table for about five minutes. It was enough, however, to make me see that it's easy enough to do and I look forward to bringing her some Chinese soon. Maybe I'll cross that one off early next month.

And last, but not least for now...I kinda did #9 - volunteering to do something I have never done before and am uncomfortable with. Kinda. It counts b/c I've never actually bought a washer and dryer for another person and I was uncomfortable with it b/c the gal was my age and clearly having a very difficult time. We had to come into her house and set up this used washer and dryer only to find that the washer did not work. For almost a week I fretted and worried over this situation, wondering how in the world we were gonna make this right and better for this gal. And in the end, just as soon as I laid down my princess crown and tantrum attitude and let God have it, it all had worked itself out. It was just some loose wiring and a guy friend had to just tighten them up to make the washer work correctly. I don't see it completely fitting the mold of what I had intended when I made the request for myself b/c it's not entirely out of my comfort zone to buy something for someone else in need. I enjoy that, actually. I think I'd like to keep that one on the list to see where else I might be able to stretch this comfort zone of mine.

So, all in all...not too shabby. I haven't given up or forgotten. Hmmm...I'm off to go Googling for a sexy school girl outfit. Gotta keep #10 in mind! *wink*

Being Still in the Midst of Trial

2009-01-22T07:13:00.003-05:00

Okay, here is what I've learned about stressful situations. When you are in the midst of a trial or stressful/sticky spot in life and you're really unsure what to do, how to fix it or how to react...be still and calm. Don't do anything that will bring undue attention. All things resolve themselves in time and when it is all said and done, you want to be able to look back and say that you handled it gracefully and not with a big, huge whiney temper tantrum. Oh, and being joyful is a choice. Happiness is a result of external things, but joy comes from the inside; from a place that is unseen by eyes and that God filled with Himself when He walks into your life. Joy is always there; an eternal cistern that never runs dry. When life is just too chaotic for words we can draw from this well of joy, knowing that pain, frustration and this earth are only temporary, but His peace, His love and His kingdom are forever and promised.

We're in the middle of this thing we've taken on and we're still very happy to see it through to the end because we know it's going to help someone else out a lot. The thing is...it's not working out at all like I wanted it to. Now, the devil would just love to steal the joy right out of this errand of God, but I refuse it. I have a choice right now. I can stomp my foot and whine, hoping that things get better. OR, I can pray about it, telling God that I know He's bigger than this hitch in the plans, ask for some help from a few friends and wait for the god-sized plan to work itself out.

In the end of this, I want us all to look back and see God's graceful and merciful movement in our situation and NOT my will, my tantrum and my lack of faith.

Psalm 46:10 "Be still, and know that I am God; I will be exalted among the nations, I will be exalted in the earth."

Oh...I don't wanna poo anymore

2009-01-20T10:07:00.005-05:00

Okay gals, let's have a little girlfriend chat here. Ya know, the kind you have with only your BEST girlfriend that always includes the nitty gritty details you wouldn't dare tell anyone else. Except I'm gonna put it all out there for the world AND my best friends.

So, I have poopie issues. Anyone who knows me well, knows I go days on days without pooing and then suddenly I have to poo and it takes me the whole Columbus Dispatch, a roll of TP and a plunger to finish the week of no poopie hell.

Yea, its' gross, I know it. It's how my plumbing works. So like or lump it.

Seriously though...I was working on day SEVEN of no pooing and my gawd I knew there was half a bowl of that Velveeta cheese and sausage dip stuck in there. It just had to come out one way or another. So I figure I'll try some of this dieter's tea that my mom gave me. I'd tried it in the past and it worked, so why the heck not. I steep a hot cup of this Asian loveliness and wait for results. About, oh I'd say six hours later, I feel a rumble and make way for the bathroom with great anticipation. Take care of business and I'm feeling pretty good. Another day goes by and I'm feeling all achey in the abdominal area and I'm like, I'll give it another go with the tea. Only this time I steep the tea way too friggin long! Yea. I get all sidetracked with a kid or something else and fifteen, twenty minutes later my tea is dark and barely warm. So I take about four good swigs off of it and dump the rest.

Okay, here's where it gets interesting.

About TWO hours later my intestines start making this rumbling and vibrational noise that I can imagine Old Faithful makes right before it blows. Beads of sweat start forming on my brow and I immediately know I'd better make it to the bathroom and fast.

I make it. Don't worry!

But let me tell you what...I had to endure that feeling/noise and dart to the bathroom FOUR MORE TIMES in the next hours. By the third time it felt like I was wiping with a cactus. And by the end of this session my butt was aching and burning, crying out for mercy. My gawd, Woman! WHAT. DID. YOU. DO?

You know how you take a really hard poo and it takes you awhile to walk again, like two minutes of just standing there waiting for the burn to subside. Oh yea, that was me. Except it was more like five minutes and I was doubled over the sink with my head on my folded arms and I was swaying trying to take my mind off of my butt.

And then, even when I could walk again, it took another two hours and two Tylenol Extra Strength for the swelling and aching to stop. It literally felt like someone shoved a boot up my toosh and back out again.

Alright, so why share all these gawd-awful details with you? I share this with you, all my lovely friends and internetty-people to spare you the horror. For the love of all that is holy and sacred in this world, DO NOT drink Tru-Slim dieter's tea that has been steeped too long after you've had a week's worth of backlogged poopie. Your anus will never forgive you and I will surely be pitying you and saying "I told you so."

Bring on the Braces

2009-01-12T13:17:00.005-05:00

Today marked two big events. First, it was the first day of our year or so of orthodontia. Abby got the spacers put in today so that next week she'll be able to have a little wiggle room for the braces to go on. Yay! She was all too excited to get this day started because in her second grade mind braces are cool and a big attention getter. :) Can't say I blame her. I always wanted braces and glasses while I was in elementary school. And actually, I went so far as to buy a fake pair of eye glasses and wear them as if they were real. My eighth grade school picture documents the embarrassment.

The second big event was the first big draw on our bank account for the said dentalware. These little stainless steel beauties, complete with your choice of color bands, are costing Mom and Dad a mere $6400. Oh yea...spank me, baby! $3200 for each round. She'll have the braces on for a year to a year and a half, then they'll put in a retainer until the remaining eight baby molars fall out. Then the next round will begin around the age of 12 or 13.

Actually, the money isn't a big worry in my mind...although that IS a crapload of money. The biggest worry about the whole thing is me being the involved Mommy Brusher and making sure she takes care of her teeth/the braces. Not to mention the whining if any pain or discomfort is involved. This child throws herself on the floor whining when we simply request she go brush her teeth in a normal circumstance...let alone having metal in her mouth rubbing her cheeks, having to wear headgear while she sleeps and actually having to pick crud out of her braces. So this should be real fun.

I do have faith in Abby and I am really excited to see what difference this makes in her smile and appearance. It wasn't until today when I saw all the pictures they took of her and her mouth, that I REALLY got a good look at her. I guess when you are with someone day in and day out you tend to gloss over anything that might be askew with their appearance. I mean, I had noticed that her teeth were kinda crooked, but not until today did I get a full sense of what she looks like to other people. And God love her, she's a beautiful girl...she'll ALWAYS be beautiful to Scott and I no matter what, but I can clearly see now the need for the braces.

So...stay tuned for more updates on this. Like when I have to kick the sh*t out of some punk who calls my pretty baby girl Metal Mouth or something equally mean and makes her cry. *polishing my brass knuckles*

Tricky, Tricky Mommy

2009-01-04T07:54:00.007-05:00

Recently I helped out at fundraiser for Abby's school and had the ultimate luck of scoring a couple boxes of Sugar Free Chocolate Chip Cookie Dough. After we'd packed up all the bought cookie doughs and we're about to head home, the lead gal stood up and shouted to all of us volunteers "HEY, ANYONE WANT A COUPLE BOXES OF COOKIE DOUGH?" All of our heads whipped around and our bodies lunged forward toward her like a group of hungry wolves. Remember, by this time it's nearly eight o'clock at night, most of us haven't had dinner and for the past hour and a half we were frantically packing boxes of Monster cookies, M&M cookies, Mint Choc Chip cookies, White Chocolate Macadamia Nut cookies, Oatmeal Raisin cookies....*drool* Then she added "THEY'RE SUGAR FREE!" and every single sweaty body screeched to a halt, arms flopping to their sides and noses turning up in disgust. Every single one but mine. From back of the pack I'm like "sure, I'll take 'em if you're giving them away." They all swung around to look at me like I was crazy, even the lead gal. But 1) my mom taught me that just b/c something is free doesn't mean it isn't good anymore and 2) I have kids who like cookies and sugar free cookies is even better.

I take my booty home that night and we throw a few of these nuggets in the oven. Then we wait for what we're sure is going to be a disappointment. I mean, come on, how good can a sugar free chocolate chip morsel taste? Isn't that an oxymoron? To the complete shock of our finicky tastebuds, they weren't half bad at all and the kids thought they were getting the real deal. So we got to give them a treat that was guilt free AND sugar-buzz free. Win-win for us all.

I'm thinking I see sugar-free candy and cookies popping into our cabinets asap. They won't know the difference, right? What's a little aspartame compared to taking out the refined sugars and sugar crashes. Don't get me wrong here...we're not going sugar-free {yet} but I think a little mommy trickery in the sweets department could be a good thing in this house.

Incidentally, here is a recipe for a healthier cookie. It looks yummy and I have put it in my recipe box to try. We're gonna use craisins instead of dates though.

Cheers to a healthier year!

No Resolutions, Just Some Things I'd Like to Do

2009-01-02T09:36:00.003-05:00

Well, some things I'd like to do and some things I'd like to stop doing. So I was thinking yesterday and today about resolutions and how they are such a good idea, but almost always get forgotten or broken within the first month. I think instead of making one or two resolutions, I'm gonna make a short list of things that I'd like to get accomplished this year, be it something new to try or something I'd like to change about myself. 2008 was fully about surviving the kids. I nearly had a mental breakdown during the Summer just from the sheer weight of the responsibility of THREE small children. But, thanks be to God, I did survive with the help of some good friends, one stronger mother than I and my dear husband. So in 2009 I really want to commit to getting outside of these four wall, outside of my label of "mother" and into the real world where I can enjoy life. My kids are growing and maturing so I can start to focus less on them and more on my marriage, my friends, myself, etc.

Okay, so here's my short list. I have fifteen things on this list so far (more may come along) and I figure that I can try to accomplish one a month. Some are harder than others and take planning and daily commitment, some are one time things, but ALL are doable this year.

Go on a beach vacation with my hubby
Run a 5K (or more?) and actually condition so I can have a respectable time
Lose fifteen pounds
Get a tattoo that has some personal meaning
Climb the rockwall in Easton
Finish the book I started writing a year and a half ago
Pay ahead on our home loan
Have lunch with Abby at school
Volunteer to do something I have never done before, am uncomfortable with and will help someone else
Have more awesome s*x (with my husband of course) more frequently (see the lose fifteen pounds)
Cut down the pizzas and milkshakes (see the lose fifteen pounds)
Actually see Zach fully potty-trained
Drink more water and less coffee (starting today)
Hike around the Hocking Hills with Scott and Abby
Play tennis with Scott on a real hardcourt, not on the Wii.

Are you committing to change anythings this new year?? I'm curious, let me know!!

Five Minutes at the Circus by SonicMoo

2008-12-22T12:28:00.004-05:00

While I'm still in a writer's funk and the merry holiday is just a mere 48 hours away...my dear husband has graciously allowed me access to his blog so that I can use him as a guest poster. And as usual, our kids provide a HUGE amount of material! Merry Christmas All!

So the other day my son takes a dump in his undies. Nothing new, besides, why would a 3 and a half year old ever want to actually use the toilet right? Even though his sister was fully potty trained by 2 1/2.

So I clean up and tell him to go upstairs to go get new underwear. Apparently he did not have any upstairs because 5 minutes later he was running around with a pair of my underwear on. No the undies were not too small for him, save those jokes for later...

A hour later with the Z-man running around having to hold up the undies around his waist, he decides it is time for dump #2 for the day. 2 Dumps in 1 day is rare for him, but hey, if you are wearing daddy's undies, why not let it rip right?

Well, daddy's fat a$$ undies were too loose to contain dump #2, so it ends up on the kitchen floor. Trust me, I couldn't be more excited about it myself!

So I scoop the poop and toss it into the toilet. But as I do that, Z-man and the baby manage to turn the dog food and water bowl upside down right behind me. So I immediately turn and clean it up, but I left the bathroom door open, that was a mistake. The baby can sense the door open from across the house let alone see it open 3 feet away from her.

So while I clean up the dog food and water I see them both scheming in the bathroom. I go in and find my electric razor in the toilet along with some of wifey's sanitary napkins. "F"... Luckily I flushed the toilet when I threw in the Z-man dump #2.

So as I fish for my belonging in our toilet, Z-man goes and gets the large Tupperware container of dog food, opens the lid, and starts to pour it on the floor in the puddle of dog food and water on the floor that I did not get to clean up yet. Luckily I stopped that mess before he hit the floor with any additional dog food.

These kids are crazy. And for anyone to say, "yeah, that's kids for you", I say "pfft"... The Z-man is more of a handful than anyone will ever know.

And I kid you not, he crapped himself while I typed this up. Glorious...

2008-12-15T17:53:00.003-05:00

I have no idea what my problem has been lately, but I just haven't felt that anything is worthy of blogging about. Lots of stuff happening around here, but I either think it's unworthy or I look at the little Blogger icon and instead go over to Facebook. Yes, I've totally been cheating on you all over at Facebook.

Let me see...what HAS been going on lately? *crickets chirping*

Hmm...I know stuff has been happening here. *Jeopardy theme music humming*

Okay this sucks...here are some funny videos that crack me up. When my normal mind returns I'll be back.

THE BARKING CAT - you be the judge. Freaky but funny, if you ask me.

And this one ALWAYS makes me nearly pee my pants no matter how many times I watch it. I can't help it that I find other people's pain hil-friggin-larious.

Remember This?

2008-12-09T20:49:00.002-05:00

I was watching VH1 this evening, while I slurped down a much too caffeinated chocolate chip milkshake (scratch that: M&M milkshake I mean) and this A-ha video came on. I was all "Oh, dude, I totally remember that" and started dancing around the living room like I was a teenager again. I can easily remember wanting to be that blonde chic in the video. How cool would it have been to be pulled into a #2 pencil drawing and run around with an 80's hunkie guy? *sigh* So here's the video. For all my friends who despise the 80's...look away. Those of you cool friends *wink* may pull on your layered scrunch socks, spray some Aqua Net in your hair and enjoy.

2008-12-05T10:30:00.004-05:00

Ever feel like you've ceased to be interesting? Like there's nothing more to you than snotty snail trails on your shirt, endless chore lists, dinner menus and the most exciting thing in your life is when you get to put the kids to bed and scarf a bag of Oreos without anyone whining for one?

I'm especially wondering about my husband. Does he still find me interesting or am I completely predictable on a day to day basis? Honestly, how much mystery could I possibly hold for this guy after fourteen years of knowing each other. We've pretty much run out of new stories about who we use to be. Although, Scott did share a funny story last night about his first experience on a college campus. But I don't think I have any nuggets of nostalgia to share anymore and every day seems to run into the other. Wake up, go to work, do the dishes, make meals, clean up meals, play with the kids, put them to bed, go to bed ourselves, get woken up all night, wake up in the morning and repeat.

And we are kind of at a stalemate in our game as far as creating new moves for each other. Our kids have us trapped and IF we are able to try new things we have to do them separately b/c the other one has to stay with the kids. Scott has recently found Chess as a new hobby, but as much as I want to share this with him...ugh. I just can't find any spark of interest. He tries to pull me into it with his anecdotes of how he totally Knight-forked this dude who's better than him, but all I hear is "I moved my dude here and he moved his dude there and I totally blah, blah, blah, blah." Oops, sorry yo, I zoned out on ya.

We do have one area of interest that we BOTH are totally into. Any of my friends who know me well can probably guess what is and most likely want to stick their fingers own their throats. Ever since Scott and I met we've had an awesome intimate relationship and THANK GOD for that. It's never burned out for us, even three HUGE pregnancies later, that heat for each other is still there. In fact, I can probably count on one hand the number of times I've said "no thanks." Thank goodness for this Essure sterilization thing b/c I'd probably have another kid on the way if not. We can't seem to keep our hands off of each other.

So, I guess we are interesting enough to keep our relationship alive and healthy. I just long for more daily alone time with him. I want to be "friends" with him and have stuff to talk about outside of how many times the kids pooped and what's for dinner. Do you feel me out there? It'll come eventually, I know that. But you know how when you're really fighting a bad cold and it seems like you'll be that way forever and oh my goodness, what if you never had another healthy day again...that's kinda what it feels like. Like I'll never have another day where I won't be bogged down with kid stuff, laundry, etc and adventure is just something in books.

For the time being we'll relish in our stolen moments of quiet togetherness and look forward to when we can date each other again. In fact, we have a date tonight! I secured a new teen babysitter and have a Mystery Guest dinner job at The Cheesecake Factory, so maybe we'll cut out early, fold the seats down and do some "neckin'" in the ultra spacious minivan. *wink*

It's beginning to look like Christmas...

2008-12-03T06:46:00.005-05:00

The shopping is nearly done, the Christmas cards are addressed and the tree is up completed with a homemade Star topper. We had to put the tree up in our family room in the basement due to the little people roaming our home, so unfortunately our tree topper wouldn't fit on top. Abby took one look at the tree, topperless, naked somehow and asked if she could make the topper this year. "Of course! Do it up, Abby Stewart!" And she did too! She came downstairs about half an hour later with a big red star taped to a circle that was JUST the right size to go around the top of that tree. I was impressed. The perfectionist in me says it doesn't match and now the wetness of the marker has dried and crunched the arms of the star into the center...but the Mommy in me looks at it with great appreciation and will leave it there. Hell, maybe I'll even keep the thing for next year? It was a very sweet blessing to her family Christmas tree and I appreciate it. Hm...I should make sure she knows just how much I love her for doing that.

So I took this pic of our Christmas tree and thought, dang, that thing is skin-ny. I much prefer a live tree, all fat and pine smelly, but my hubby (the worst case scenario guy) doesn't like having a fire hazard in the house with three small children. Plus I don't think he likes the whole let's go cut our own tree and spend an hour trying to get it to stand up straight tradition. *wink* In fact, if it were up to him all together, he'd have not put up a tree this year. But then again, I think if we left it all up to the guys there'd be a lot less of a lot of things. Not ragging on the guys here, they are just more simple.

And here is another tradition of Christmas season for us...the Advent calendar. My mother in law started this for me. We never did this growing up, but I sure do love it now. It's fun! My kids are really big about counting things down, do this is right up their alley.

Okay, Friends, tell me what this is. Is this a reindeer or a golden calf? I have had this guy for years and I put him out somewhere every year, like my counter or up on the entertainment center. For some reason this year, my husband walks in and says "What is that? Am I suppose to bow down to the golden calf this year?" And then my dear father in law comes over last night and says the same sort of thing. Dude, it's a reindeer! Yea, yea...he's a loner and they usually travel in packs or at least a duo. I should have a whole song of gold reindeer, but 1) they weren't cheap and
2) I don't have the counter space for a whole sleigh of deer. So now I'm all looking at my goldenly bright and cheery reindeer and wondering if I should be burning him on an alter and asking for forgiveness for having an idol. *chuckling* Just kidding. I like my reindeer dude and plan to keep him. I think I'll also hit Odd Lots and see if I can find a closeout sale for a friend or two for him. Hmm...or maybe he'll be kindling for us this year?

Merry Christmas, All!

The Monkey Test

2008-11-30T07:42:00.004-05:00

Somewhere out there in the world, probably even right here in my neighborhood there is an adorable couple just trying their hearts out to have a baby. They'll spend thousands of dollars (all worth it, btw) to get pregnant. All over the U.S. there are teenage girls desperately wanting to have babies of their own just so they'll have someone to love them unconditionally. Scott and I were of the former people. We wanted so much to have a baby as soon as we could and welcomed our second one four years later with happy, open arms. Then we welcomed a third surprise baby two years after that. We have lots to be thankful for when there are so many people out there wanting to have ONE baby and simply cannot.

Well, I'm here today to challenge those people out there who think they want a whole house full of kids. Yesterday was one of those rough days here at the house. At many points in the day all three kids were screaming at one time and we parents were about to flip our lids. We even tried to coax a grandparent to come take them off our hands, but to our dismay came up empty. I just stood in the middle of the kitchen mentally separating myself from the chaos that surrounded me, and it dawned on me that yes, living in this house with three small children is EXACTLY like living with three small chimpanzees.

I'm not kidding one bit here, Friends. They're SO cute to look at. Oh, you just want to hold them and run your fingers through their cute chimpy hair, and then just as soon as they take their mental focus off of the lovey, cuddley moment they are off climbing all over the furniture, breaking stuff, pooping on the floor, screeching at ear piercing decibels, eating you out of house and home, picking at each other, etc. It's just like Wild Kingdom!!

I think that people who want to have children should be required to take the Monkey Test and be licensed by the city zoo to do so. Jack Hannah can drop off three little chimps for you to chimp-sit for a week and if you come out of the experience unscathed in your intentions to have one baby, THEN and ONLY THEN are you allowed to be a parent. I think if someone had given Scott and I the Monkey Test back before we started having babies, we'd have been sterilized. *wink*

And I hear that having a teenager in the house is quite like owning a Silverback Gorilla. Very touchy, almost ominous, likes to lounge and eat a lot, but if provoked can move swiftly and shred you into pieces. So maybe there should be a Part B to the Monkey Test to see if you could possibly be ready to parent a teenager. Unfortunately, I don't think that anything can ready you for that stage of parenthood except surviving the Chimp stage. If this is true, then the atmosphere at our house a few years from now should be enough to make Scott and I qualify for President and V.P of the Looney Bin.

2008-11-27T08:22:00.000-05:00

The Turkey Is Looking At Me

2008-11-25T06:23:00.006-05:00

Well friends, it's here. I can't believe that it's already Thanksgiving! Actually, I can't believe that every single month of this year, and the year before, I say "I can't believe it's already (insert whatever month or holiday it is)!" and add on "Time sure does fly by when you get older!"

I remember when the holidays were there and expected, but they held no real responsibility for me. In grade school and high school it was when I looked forward to not having to wake up so early and not having to go to school. In college it just meant that I got to go home for awhile and be away from my sweetheart for too long. My mom always did all the work: the cleaning, stuffing the bird, making the sweet potatoes, at least until I was old enough to manhandle cleaning the damned slippery turkey. THAT lovely job always landed on me...oh, and peeling potatoes. *shiver* I still to this day HATE cleaning the turkey. And if it were up to me, and probably when my mom (God forbid) passes away...I will stop the tradition of stuffing the turkey. I don't even like stuffing and I definitely hate putting my hand up inside of a dead fowl's cavity to scrape any extraneous veins and bloodclots out. Can't have those in the stuffing, ya know! Anyway, I'd inevitably whine about having to be a girl and do this awful job, and my mom would inevitably tell me to get use to it b/c being a woman means doing a lot of nasty jobs. Truer words were never uttered! Right, ladies?

One year I did whine enough to get the job handed over to my little brother Adam. For a little while anyway. All he had to do was cry real hard with those crocodile tears and my mom let him off the hook, leaving it to me again. *sigh* Yuck! I can hear the squatty little wobbler mocking me from the fridge even at I type this. Keep it up, Bird! No matter how squeamish your pimply skin makes me...I always get the last laugh. Mwa-ha-ha-ha!!!

This year I will not get caught up in the perfectionism that usually swallows me whole and leaves me limp by the evening of Thanksgiving day. I'm gonna clean off the chunks of whatever the kids have thrown around, kill as many dustbunnies as I can find and put my efforts into welcoming my family into a Thanksgiving meal that will be made with gratitude for every morsel and definitely the people who will be eating it.

Off to start my list! If you aren't feeling grateful for much at all yet this season...may this help get you started in that direction.

Rollercoaster of Life

2008-11-23T07:22:00.005-05:00

Do you ever feel like your life is a roller coaster? Well I sure as heck do! I go up, I go down, I go through one of those twists in life that makes my head wanna pop off and my stomach lurch. I whiz past all the onlookers with my mouth open in a silent, desperate scream and they just smile unknowingly, or maybe they know full well what horror I'm in but they still can't stop the machine. It's that one spot though that tricks me, that one where the car feels like it's slowed down enough for my hair to come back to place and I can breathe again. It's that spot in the ride where I feel like I did it, I got through the rough stuff and, surely the exit is right up ahead. Then the car takes a dive again and up and down and up and down. *sigh* I want OFF this roller coaster.

I was looking back through old posts here the other day and was surprised by how uneven my daily life is. One day it's heartbreak, the next it's chaotic with kids, the next I'm praising God with everything I have and yet the next I'm complaining about something else. And my prayer journal is the same way! I looked back through it this morning, mostly b/c I didn't feel like writing, and one day I was praising for all that I had in my children, home and husband, the next I was asking for forgiveness for how I treated them. The one thing that remains solid through it all though, in belief and in written word, is that I trust God whole-heartedly with it all. I don't give it to him daily, like I should, but I DO trust Him that He is working for the good of me and my family, and that He loves me more than I know.

So if I believe that and write it - then why don't I live it? How hard it is to walk so closely to Him that I do not waiver like a tall blade of grass in the wind. I want to be there, in that Strongtower, safe and secure with Him and be so strong that I do not live by emotions (that change hourly, sometimes by the minutes here) or be moved by every situation I encounter.

I am weary from this roller coaster ride and want to get off. I want the Holy Spirit to change me and change the perspective of my life. All I can see right now is endless screaming and tension in my house (the kids, the illnesses) and my mind easily runs away with me, thinking I have control and MUST change things for the better. "I" have to get the kid under control. "I" have to get a job to pad the saving account. "I" have to organize the cabinets and clutter around here so my husband feels more comfortable. "I" have to stop spending money and clip coupons and make sacrifices so that we can save the pennies and dollars. "I" have to make sure the holiday go off without a hitch and everyone feels loved. "I" have make things right. And why is it always so much easier to see the speck in someone else's eye and not the plank in your own? I can stand here and spout off to Scott that he needs to "calm down, stop worrying so much and giving us all an ulcer with his Doom and Gloom thoughts." Yet here I sit in the quiet and mutter about how it's all going to hell in a handbasket and I can't change a thing, but I must try harder.

So...is this what life is? A series of highs and lows and infrequent breaks in the excitement. If so, how do we as Christians stay even keeled while on this ride?

And then I went to church a few hours after starting this post.

I was so saddened by the fact that I stood there through all the P&W songs, the beginning prayers and such and NOT ONE WORD got through my steely heart and skin. I was SO stressed out and tense that I couldn't even unwind for a moment to enjoy the service. I silently prayed that the holy spirit would move in me because the way I was feeling at that moment was almost scary to me. It was like I was on the outside looking in at the churchgoers and Pastor Steve, and not a part of the body. Now I've been bored before, distracted and just not interested in the message. This was different. I was glaring at these adorable, young, beautiful couples in front of us and trying so desperately hard not to be jealous of them. I kept telling myself to stop and to pay attention to the message, and that they are no different from me on the inside...we're all believers, I'm just one that's more stressed out than normal this weekend.

Then Pastor Steve started to talk about control and how we think we have control over our lives, but we really don't. And then my heart stirred and I started paying attention. I also realized then that I'd been very hard trying to hold back tears of anger and frustration, and when he said the words "we, as Christians, need to let go of the steering wheel and say 'Lord, you take the wheel. I'm not doing a great job here keeping on track. You take the wheel and lead my life.'" The dam broke and my frustrations started leaking out and I knew all too well that I need to do that. I have GOT to stop trying to keep all the pieces together and trying to make everything "okay." It's not okay. It's really crappy right now. Scott's job is not at all secure (though also not lost), our savings is meager (but also there for us), my husband is allowed to freak out and feel out of control too (I don't need to make him feel better, that's the HS's job) and my life is not and cannot be perfect. Life may very well get very difficult for us over the next year, we may even need to be humbled a lot more...but I have that trust in a God who loves and protects and cherishes His children. I have seen God work miracles in lives that were in complete shambles before and He built it back up to better than what it was. So ALL is NOT lost.

And thank you to all of my close girlfriends who are being of great support during this emotional and crazy physical illness time. Neither Scott nor I are ones to ask for help from anyone and I think that is a great lesson of humility for us at this time. Whether it is via Instant Messages, e-mail, a phone call, offering to watch our nutty children or being a prayer partner. I appreciate you!!

A Welcome Sound

2008-11-21T12:50:00.004-05:00

We were on the way back from somewhere this morning and Zach was cracking up! All Lilly had to do was look and smile at him and it sent him into rib tickling laughter that even had me cracking up. I quickly thanked Jesus for the Mommy Moment I was having and then grabbed the Blackberry to video it.

It's been nothing but 24 hours, days in and day out of diarrhea, seriously annoying whining, moaning and crying for far too long in this house. We're finally rounding the corner toward better health and I gotta tell you...hearing these two laughing instead of piercing my head with their wailing was like angels singing right there in my van. So I thought I'd share my little piece of happiness that followed SO much crap and maybe you'll forgive me for all the whining I'VE been doing. ;)

And yes, I was being that distracted driver and videoing my kids while driving. You can thank me for the laughs later.

A Girl Can Only Take So Much

2008-11-20T06:51:00.006-05:00

For the remainder of this post, as I refer to myself please note that I am also including my dear husband. He has been a good help to me during the night shift.

So let's see...how long have I been dealing with someone being sick? Um, Lilly began her battle with the evil intestinal virus two weeks before Halloween and we're now finishing the third week of November. That's FIVE weeks of her or someone else being ill. Let's not forget that Zach started the quick and dirty flu virus with his 24 hour vomit/diarrhea mess, and then Abby got it and then I got it. Scott sprained his ankle and barely got a sideways glance around here due to the kids being SO overwhelming. Now Zach's been sick a-gain for a week or so with only God knows what kind of virus. He's been insufferable to be around during the day and does nothing but whine and moan all night long. It certainly seems like this stuff will never end.

Like cleaning up feces and vomit aren't bad enough, I also have had to deal with the sick attitude that consistently prevails in this house during the past five weeks. If one isn't whining, the other one is and more often than not...two of the three at any given time are whining, crying, moaning, etc. And like dealing with cleaning up the mess AND dealing with the nasty attitudes aren't enough for me, OH, let's add on a truckload of "don't let Mom sleep for more than a two hour span so that's she's really at our mercy during the daylight hours."

Oh yea, I'm quite sure that the two little ones are holding secret Union meetings behind the couch during the day, discussing who takes which shift in the night and when to lay down the ultimate attack of both grabbing at my pant legs and bawling their eyes out.

Do you know what Zach's secret weapon is? He likes to hold his poo now. Yep, so not only do I get the pleasure of plucking the nasty turd out of his pants when he finally can't hold it anymore and washing his dirty undies, I also get the hair raising task of trying to coax the little shister to either actually poo in his undies or go on the potty. He doesn't want to do either. So he stands around holding both his arse AND his front area while standing on toe and doing the loud whiney ballet around me. It's absolutely one of THE most frustrating scenes to endure, esp while trying to be the good, patient and understanding mommy.

Honestly people, I don't know how much more I can take. Nevermind that I'm dealing with my own sickness, trying to keep the house in fair order, clean regularly and keep the finances in check. I can't even get a full, deep prayer in anymore. I tried to sit down and write in my prayer journal this morning. I figured since they both HAD to be up at 5:30 am, despite them both being awake all night long, I might try to connect with Him and get some sustanance. Nope, I didn't get a few lines into my praise and Lilly just had to get under the table, stand at my knees, bang her head on the table over and over and SCREAM until I picked her up. She didn't need anything at all, except picked up, and as soon as I quit what I was doing and did what she wanted, she was fine. *sigh* I'm a hostage.

Someone call for help! Send word to the government that I need some disaster relief...er, uh, nevermind. I really don't need any more whiney, useless turds to clean up after. *wink*

A Bible Passage

2008-11-19T14:51:00.002-05:00

I know this is a little lengthy, but may it bless your outlook today. I have been getting Scriptures from friends lately regarding not worrying or fearing. Let's face it, I'm seriously struggling with those two things at this point in life b/c I'm watching every penny come and go with the paycheck and bills, and I know just exactly how much "cushion" we have in the savings. It's not a comfortable cushion for me.

So, I can choose to listen to Doomsday CNN every day, get caught up in the penny pinching, worry myself into an ulcer, feed into my husband's fears, grasp and claw at our bank account trying to hold on to every dollar possible. OR...I can do what was it humanly possible to be a good steward of the money we've been given, follow Him and trust Him to provide. I never, ever thought about being poor financially as a blessing and that certainly goes against everything the U.S. culture tells us day in and day out. But reading this story in the Bible today, even though I've read it before, has made me see our "cultural plight" in a new light. I'm also reminded of Scott's grandpa who wore an old worn out belt even though the leather was split and peeling back, and despite the fact that he had a perfectly new one that was given to him as a present, because it was still good and did it's job.

May I be more like that from this day on...thankful for what I have, able to see the good use in things despite their appearance and also wise. I will choose to not fret and worry over things I have no control, but trust Him to purify me, to strip away all that is undesirable and carry my family and I through this storm.

Passage Mark 10:17-31: (emphasis mine)

The Rich Man

¹⁷ As Jesus was starting out on his way to Jerusalem, a man came running up to him, knelt down, and asked, “Good Teacher, what must I do to inherit eternal life?”

¹⁸ “Why do you call me good?” Jesus asked. “Only God is truly good. ¹⁹ But to answer your question, you know the commandments: ‘You must not murder. You must not commit adultery. You must not steal. You must not testify falsely. You must not cheat anyone. Honor your father and mother.'”

²⁰ “Teacher,” the man replied, “I’ve obeyed all these commandments since I was young.”

²¹ Looking at the man, Jesus felt genuine love for him. “There is still one thing you haven’t done,” he told him. “Go and sell all your possessions and give the money to the poor, and you will have treasure in heaven. Then come, follow me.”

²² At this the man’s face fell, and he went away sad, for he had many possessions.

²³ Jesus looked around and said to his disciples, “How hard it is for the rich to enter the Kingdom of God!” ²⁴ This amazed them. But Jesus said again, “Dear children, it is very hard^[b] to enter the Kingdom of God. ²⁵ In fact, it is easier for a camel to go through the eye of a needle than for a rich person to enter the Kingdom of God!”

²⁶ The disciples were astounded. “Then who in the world can be saved?” they asked.

²⁷ Jesus looked at them intently and said, “Humanly speaking, it is impossible. But not with God. Everything is possible with God.”

²⁸ Then Peter began to speak up. “We’ve given up everything to follow you,” he said.

²⁹ “Yes,” Jesus replied, “and I assure you that everyone who has given up house or brothers or sisters or mother or father or children or property, for my sake and for the Good News, ³⁰ will receive now in return a hundred times as many houses, brothers, sisters, mothers, children, and property—along with persecution. And in the world to come that person will have eternal life. ³¹ But many who are the greatest now will be least important then, and those who seem least important now will be the greatest then.”

Proof That You Can Be In Karate AND Be A Diva Too

2008-11-18T06:25:00.003-05:00

So Abby's been in Karate now for five weeks. A few weeks ago, when it was warm enough to be outside lounging out on the deck without mittens, scarves and coats, I took video of Abby showing off her moves. She's showing you all the basic moves she's suppose to know in order to move on to the next level. But if you ask me...it all looks exactly the same. Punch right, punch left, punch right, Keeyaw!

What you should take note of is the kick awesome sparkly gown she's sporting while being the karate kid. Who needs a gee when you have a yard or two of purple sequins?! You should also note her amazing patience with Zach the tornado who also has the basics of karate down...punch and be loud. What you see there of Zach is basically how he is 24-7, bar his being sick when he actually slows down to a normal person's pace.

Our kids amaze me.

This and That

2008-11-16T17:53:00.002-05:00

Sorry to have left you all hanging since Thursday!

So let's see...what has been up in Christy's world since I left you with horrid images and emotional scars?

I realized that Lilly's diarrhea has gone on much longer than is normal for a child who is just suffering from teething. So I took her to the pediatrician and he agreed. He felt her up, weighed her and all that checked out okay, so he handed me three small vials of liquid, two pair of latex gloves and about eight tongue depressors. This didn't look good.

So I pony up, figuring that sampling diarrhea into three small vials honestly cannot be any worse than scraping it off of her toosh, legs, sheets, clothes, mattress, my bathrobe and anywhere else her violent spray decided to land. Well...I'm here to tell you...it is worse. I removed the foul diaper, cleaned up the baby and then went to work at the kitchen island. I gagged the entire time, even while holding my breathe. I was sure I wasn't going to be able to finish and was begging Scott to say ANYTHING to make my mind wander away from the foul task at hand. He was no match for the shredded wheat like poo that I had to handle. *gag* So, suffice it to say, I did the deed and transported poo to the Children's Hospital lab for testing. They want to make sure it's not a parasite that we're dealing with, and at this point I'd take a parasite so long as it was a diagnosis that we could remedy! I'm tired of being knee deep in poop.

Then Friday was Abby and my "Girl Night Out" with my Aunt Penny and cousin Sara. Then we had a sleepover at their house and came back the next afternoon. It was super fun! Abby and Sara went to the movies and saw Madagascar 2, which we hear was quite funny. I like my women chunkay! Hee hee! Pen and I had a great time catching up and being all deep and stuff. Ahh...coffee with Pen is awesome! She's ma girl!

So then we got back yesterday afternoon and Gramma Hartman came over to spend the night. She brought donuts! Woohoo. About 20 minutes after Zach ate part of a donut he broke out in a rash. We all assumed it was an allergic reaction, so I dosed him with some Benadryl. Half an hour to an hour later he spiked a fever and was out of it. Dang it! Can't we get a break?! So all night long Scott and I were up with one or both of them. At about 2:30am they both decided they were wide awake and wanted to get up. So I got up and we stayed awake for about an hour or so, and then after that it was Scott's turn to get up and down with Zach. I heard thirteen times within an hour. Most of that was just reassurance that him just whining and wanting reassurance. Not that it makes it any easier to be woken up for every two to five minutes.

Today has been a slow day. We didn't go to church because we aren't sure what we're dealing with in Lilly and Zach still was fevering and rashy. So we've just been milling around, eating, taking care of our babes and talking economy.

Anyone else thoroughly sick and tired of Obama-mania and Doomsday CNN news? I'm tired already of worrying and hearing about our sour economy and how we're all going to be deduced to scavangers within a few years. I know it's a reality and every now and again it smacks me in the face and I can't help but worry. I know we're doing everything possible right now though to prepare for the worst. I'll expand more on that later. But seriously. What is with the Obama commemorative coins already?! It's like he's bigger than life and I gotta tell you...it's creeping me out. It's starting to feel really end times-ish to me.

So, for now we're hanging out as a family, pulling inward and trying to make sense of it all. Oh, and try to make sense of this! I found this sprouting out of Abby's bathroom sink this morning. She was washing pumpkin seeds in her sink a few weeks ago and apparently one found a home. :)

The Minute That Changed Me

2008-11-11T09:37:00.004-05:00

Today I have done all the normal things I usually do. I had the morning coffee, I dressed and fed the kids, I picked up carpool and dropped the older kids off at school with a wave, a smile and an "I love you." Then I zoomed over to the preschool to drop Zach off. As I pulled into the parking lot I saw that part of the lot was marked off for a funeral. How sad, right? Funerals always make me sad and cry, even if I don't know the person from Adam's cat. Someone died and that leaves an empty space in this world, and it's always sad for someone.

So I get the kidlets out and start toward the door when another mom shuffles past and murmurs "prepare yourself." I thought she meant prepare yourself for the usual coffin and flowers and such. It must be too early to actually be having the funeral, what with all the preschoolers coming in. They certainly wouldn't be having a funeral until after the kids classes started.

I walk in the doors with the kids and am greeted by two big poster boards filled with pictures of a baby girl. Kaylee, I think was her name. Oh my heavens, someone lost their baby. How awful! My heart sank a little more than usual and I tightened the squeeze on Lilly in my arm.

And then I looked over to my right where something else caught my peripheral sight. It was a little casket...with a little baby girl in it...with a little pink hat on. Goosebumps ran all over my body and my blood ran colder.

She was so pretty and chubby lying there. I didn't look for long but it was long enough to see that. You really couldn't see much difference between her and the baby doll someone had placed in a sitting position just to the end of the casket.

I quickly ushered Zach by the hood of his jacket down the hallway and away from it all, but I felt so numb all over. My mind was moving and telling me to do all the things that we had to do, but my body felt sluggish. Turn left, go to the bathroom to wash hands, hang up the coat, get him to the door. All the while I knew my life had been changed. I just saw a dead baby...and even as I stand here now I don't know how to process it.

I see my perfectly healthy, chubby baby here with Pop Tart goo all over her face and hands, chattering away in nonsense...and know there is another Mom just minutes away from me preparing to put her beloved child into the ground. As far as I am concerned, Lilly can scream her head off and wake me up every twenty minutes for the next year, and I won't be happy about, but I'll be grateful. I'll be grateful for her life and for God putting her in my arms to care for and love. And when I hear someone complaining about how awful their kids are and I want to chime in to say, "yea, but at least they are healthy and alive" or "their lucky they're cute or we'd kill 'em"... I'll remember this minute of my life when I saw a baby who died at nine months old. A baby who did not have a chance to flush a wash cloth down the toilet, or smear jelly on the walls or sing a Christmas song in a holiday program at school or any of the beautiful and chaotic things that kids do.

I realize that this post is polar opposite of the last post where I likened by cherubic faced baby to a werewolf. I absolutely do not recant my feelings from that post. Life with a teething toddler and two older children is sometimes just that awful. But I do think that today I have been changed a little in the parent department. Made more grateful for life, especially the life of Scott and my babies.

Someone Put Me Out Of My Misery

2008-11-09T15:49:00.004-05:00

The past 24 hours or so have been complete misery. The kids are absolutely climbing the walls and Scott and I are too. It's like being caged up with four other snarling animals. In fact, I'm pretty sure Lilly is about to sprout fangs, a snout and gnaw on our bones like teething toys. She's wicked mean right now. Srsly. She's lucky I nursed her and created a maternal bond with her b/c if I hadn't I may be too tempted to take her to the fire station and drop her butt off.

Scott and I are stressed to the ceiling too. Scott's walking around bored to tears b/c he can't run or play tennis and I'm dying to get out of the house and do ANYTHING that doesn't involve groceries or kids. Neither one of us can seem to make the children happy for any good length of time, so we both end up lying on the couch or floor with two or more of them bouncing on us while we stare numbly into space. We had a plan to get out together last night, but our sitter fell through and instead we threw emotionally poisoned darts at each other until bedtime and went to bed mad. I love those nights. NOT.

Today has been a smidge better but only by a hair.

Thank God tomorrow is coming soon. School, work, routine...thank you, Jesus!

I do have a personal shopping/errand day planned for Wednesday. The in-laws (hi Mom!) are coming to play with the kids from Noonish til dinnertime and I hope to get some fully needed alone time and Christmas shopping done. I've got a short list going in my head of the places I want to go, but I'd better write it all down and plan. I've done this before...had a few hours to go do things and ended up walking circles in Walmart like an old lady who lost her car in a parking lot, wondering what in the H I was suppose to be getting. Before I knew it, it was time to go home and I'd done MAYBE one thing on my list. I will not do that this time. :)

If I had a glass of something good to drink I'd hold it up and propose a toast to better days, but I don't. So I'll just go crawl back into my corner and wait for tomorrow. Hurrrrry.

You're Probably Spending Too Much Time Online When...

2008-11-06T08:31:00.004-05:00

You open your panty drawer and there are none. Of course Zach walked in just as I was in nude mode and searching the basket at the end of the bed.

Zach: Mommy! What. Are. You. Doing?

Me: I'm looking for underwear to wear!

Zach: (circling to look at my rear) Mom, can I smell your butt?

Me: Uh, NOOO! We don't smell butts in our house.

Zach: (turning circles trying to smell his own butt)

You know it's going to be an interesting day when you're forced to go Commando due to your own laziness.

Well, it's Obama...I guess.

2008-11-05T07:08:00.002-05:00

Now, I'm not saying that I didn't partially want Obama to win. I kinda, way back in the cobwebbed part of my mind want him to win, despite his being Democrat, just so I could watch what the hell he's actually going to do. He's a slick one on T.V. Greasy and waaay too slippery, if you ask me. Every time I watched him speak, ever single time, all I could feel was "this is smoke and mirrors." And don't you get that feeling when you're around ANY politician? Yea, somewhat. But this dude just felt a little more quick and slick. Anyone else feel that?

On the other hand, I'm proud that we'll have our first black president. I do hope he inspires the young black men he's been appointed to govern and be a role model for. I hope that he continues to take up T.V. time to relay heart moving speeches to America about making changes in their lives and the lives of others. I REALLY hope he follows through on encouraging young people to give back to the Veterans and give service to America in order to pay for their college tuition. I hope he is a man of his well written for him words and follows through. Although, jerking the U.S. out of this war kinda scares me. I agree we need to get out and soon, but when he said "when I become President, I will end this war" I felt a bit scared. Please, Obama, no knee jerk movements!

And just for the record: I didn't feel 100% comfortable voting for McCain either. I watched his speeches as well and he didn't sway me at all. I didn't feel any passion coming from him only statistics and bashing. So when I voted yesterday, I just voted down my party line. Not because I was mindlessly using my right to vote, but b/c I didn't feel comfortable with EITHER candidate so I just stayed within my conservative rails.

So, he wasn't MY pick for president, but I am a little excited to see what will happen. I will submissively fall in line with the new Commander in Chief and pray for him and not speak ill of him. BUT, if this country goes to the dogs...I didn't vote for him! *wink*

2008-11-04T15:01:00.006-05:00

There has been A LOT going on around here lately. At least it seems so anyway!

Scott's recovering well from his ankle sprain. He was walking on it gingerly yesterday, but is still wearing the aircast and using the crutches for today.

Lilly's butt is in great working order again, but now her new chompers are causing major grief and a fever. Last night she was at 102.1, but today she's had a reprieve.

Still no progress on the potty training with Zach. This dude just doesn't want to poo on the toilet. I've done everything in my motherly power, right down to begging and bribing WHILE he's dumping in his pants. But his will is really strong. And at the risk of scarring him emotionally I've even tried forcing him to sit on the toilet for extended periods and bending him in half to do so. At this point it's a defeat for mom and I have to resign myself every day from the war. Some people say it's just a matter of him being emotionally ready to stop crapping in his underwear and some say it's a view of things to come (like maybe he'll be 12 and still not pooping on the potty?) Either way, I'm just trying my best to reassure him that it's okay to sit on the toilet every day and trying my darnedest NOT to have a complete psychotic meltdown when I have to wipe big boy poop off of his toosh. Poor Scott had a major offense the other day while on poop duty and couldn't scrub his thumb hard enough to get the stench off. GAH!

I voted today, although not eagerly. It just is what it is at this point. *sigh* Watch and see, I guess.

On the emotional front, for some reason I'm all sappy about missing my Dad lately. Over the years of not seeing him, it's just because life to be numb to not having a relationship with him. A protective measure, I'm sure. But for, oh, I'd say the past six months, off and on I've had this heavy feeling of just wanting to be near him. I got the green light from hubby today to look at airfare prices for tickets out to my Dad's place, but even with a sweet deal of $300 per ticket (plus friggin taxes, baggage and breathing prices) I'm having a hard time pressing CONFIRM. It's just a lot of money for us right now, esp in light of our recent moves to economize our living/spending. So...I wait. Maybe I'll regret it, but maybe I won't. I'm not saying I won't go ahead with going, I'm just gonna wait and pray a little bit.

Trick or Treat was super fun! Scott's parents surprised the kids by coming dressed as clowns. Gramma Sandie was totally unrecognizable with make-up and no glasses and a big red nose, but Papaw...no so much. Abby handed him the candy, took another glance and then said "HEY! WAIT A MINUTE!" and ran after him. Hee hee.

And then my mom dressed up as a witch
and handed out candy at our house.
She loves this holiday. She's already planning for next year. :)

Now it's time to start focusing on Thanksgiving meals and the Christmas Season. I just adore these holidays! It's definitely a focus on the family and friends time.
Here are a few photos of the kids and our beautiful tree in the back yard. It's leaves look GORGEOUS this time of year!

Can I Get a Medic?

2008-11-02T20:33:00.005-05:00

I just want some silence, please. Okay, so I did get an hour nap today and it WAS lovely and refreshing and all that. But then I woke up again to the ear piercing shriek of my daughter Lilly and her sidekick brother, whiney-butt Zach. Honestly, if it's not one crying, it's the other. Last night the two of them took turns crying and waking up. So much so that I didn't get to sleep until almost 11pm and then was ready to get up at 5:30am. Wouldn't it be great if I got to sleep a whole hour in that stretch, but Lilly just wouldn't hear of it. I feel terrible that she's most likely in pain, really I do, but dang...a woman needs her sleep! And let's just face it people, at this point, I'm ready to beat somebody up.

And I'm not kicking a guy while he's down, but my dear husband sprained his ankle this weekend. Thanks Wilson shoes! He thinks it was because of the new shoes he just bought, the sole is already peeling away and caused him to roll his ankle while making a hard stop on the tennis court. So he is not in full, butt-kicking order anymore. And God bless him, I know he would MUCH rather be wrangling the kids than have a sprained ankle, so I'm not blaming the guy...just pointing out the handicap.

So. Let's recap. We've had two weeks of rancid, butt mangling diarrhea running through Lilly's diapers, then Zach's quick run with puke/diarrhea, Abby's and my 24 hour vomit sessions and now we get three big molars coming in at one time and a sprained ankle.

We are SO ready for quick vacation from our sick life.

Fall Fun

2008-10-30T12:47:00.004-04:00

Somehow I found the fun, crafty Christy and we're all glad to have her back. Last week I helped my friend Stacy pull off a Harvest party for ten Kindergarteners and another fun mom sent in these adorable bug/spider goodies. So I stole the idea and made them with my kids a few nights ago. Lots of fun and yummy, if you like Nilla wafers, icing and pretzels together.

And then last night we carved the pumpkins from Zach's punkin patch trip. Abby did 90% of it herself. I tried to take a step back, unpucker my butt and let her be autonomous with a steak knife, but when it came to cutting the teeth in the punkin's mouth I just couldn't take anymore. She protested and swore she was capable of handling it, but I told her that I COULDN'T. And, of course, Zach didn't do any cutting, but he did jump in there and scoop the guts out. I was sure he'd say no way since he's so goofy about "sticky" things anyway, but he got past it and scooped her clean.

Tomorrow is Trick or Treat! The plan is for the Baker grandparents to dress up in full gear and make-up, show up just prior to ToT, ring the doorbell and try to trick the kids. I can't wait to see this! And my mom is coming up as well. She's trying desperately to crawl out from under this nasty virus that's sweeping across Ohio with a vengeance and hopes to be full recouped for tomorrow. I will get plenty of photos I'm sure.

Learning to be quiet

2008-10-29T11:50:00.004-04:00

So, yesterday was quite a day for me. I found myself thinking "why don't I just BE QUIET and think before I talk?" numerous times throughout the day. Ever have those days? My mouth was just running away with me and I am sure I hurt the feelings of people I love. I think my mom may have been right years ago! I must like the sound of my own voice.

In the morning I was crazy, rushing around and trying to get out the door so we wouldn't be late picking up carpool and getting everyone to school. I was doing ten different things at one time - make-up, dressing the baby, feeding the older ones, drinking coffee, e-mailing and trying to pack a lunch for Abby. I had it all ready to put in the bag and couldn't find the bag. So I start yelling "where's your lunch bag?!" over and over. I grilled Zachary, quite sure that he'd run off with it so he could tote around his treasures of the day, but he swore he hadn't touched it. I had us all nuts looking for it and I finally grouched to Abby, "Well, you're buying today. I hope you like stuffed breadsticks because that's what you're having!" *sigh* I know, I know. Not nice. Later I found the danged thing in the dryer. Right where I put it because I had to wash it out and tumble dry it (trying to avoid mold.)

Man, if I just would have remained calm and found another way to pack her lunch, I could have avoided hurting her feelings and sending her off to school having been yelled at for something she did not even do.

And then last night Scott told me something that caught me off guard. Nothing bad, it was just something he was thinking of looking into and instead of letting it sink in or allowing him to point out the positive qualities of the plan, I got defensive, bratty and crossed my arms. I got quiet and did not want to talk about it, knowing full well that if anything came out of my mouth it would not be loving. And I was right. He got me to talking and I shredded the plan without fully thinking it out.

Not only that, I called my husband a liar right to his face and when he tried to defend himself I was shutting him down all over. And then I took one small second to actually think about how exactly the conversation went and what I'D said - he was right and I was wrong, and I was the liar. *sigh*

All in all I can hear God telling me to just BE QUIET. Don't move. Don't talk. Don't decide things based on my own feelings and impulses, but BE QUIET and listen to not only the people around me, but God. I need to make it more of a constant practice to ask God about all things - engage Him more in my daily life. "How should I react to this, Lord? Should I go ahead with this play date today? How can I be a stronger mother? can you guide me on spending our money wisely, Lord?"

I'm sure it would strengthen my relationship with Him and bless my family.

I did fully apologize to Abby for blowing her hair back unnecessarily and I have some work to do with my hubby. He's a forgiving man, but he's getting hit from all sides these days and a guy can only take so much henpecking before he just shuts down. So...here's to learning to be more quiet in life!

Just sittin' around

2008-10-27T15:26:00.003-04:00

So Miss Lilly and I are just hanging out since her goofball, won't poop on the toilet brother needed a nap. She was totally sitting down on the potty and saying "sit, sit" - at least I HOPE that's what she was saying.

As soon as I grabbed the camera though she turned all tipsy and "duh, what does sit mean?" LOL

Enjoy anyway b/c she's too cute, even with a bottle in her mouth.

I've Crossed Over

2008-10-26T10:10:00.005-04:00

*deep breath* Ahhhh! I feel MUCH better today than the past two days. Friday I felt okay, just a little queasy. Until I went to bed that night and my stomach was moving like a dryer tumbling a full load of clothes. It was all I could do to keep from retching. Of course I may have felt better had I thrown it up, but you know how it goes, avoid vomiting at all cost.

And like Scott said yesterday in his guest post (thanks, yo!) keeping horizontal was the name of the game. If I even sat up on the couch I felt the world spin and I had to fight the urge to vomit. I got to lay down in bed and sleep for three hours straight, which felt like heaven. My bed usually does feel heavenly on a regular night. The pillows all cuddley, the pillow top mattress, the thousand thread count sheets and the huge heavy comforter all make me feel like a pampered princess. But yesterday it was a sick bed and very soft place to land. Even though I could hear the kids screaming downstairs my body would not move to help. I felt the urge a few times, like oh, I should go help, but like I said my body just laid there in a cold sweat. Bleh!

Only this morning has the nausea really subsided. I still have some stomach cramps, but for the most part I'm back up and running!

Oh, and Friday night my phone took the big dive. I sent Scott out to get me a new one. My only request was that it has a keyboard on it and maybe, possibly, if it didn't cost extra...a pink phone. Because you can't be TOO girly. :)

Here's what he came back with. And while I'm SO excited to have this pretty, sweet kick butt phone...it's a Blackberry. So, from now til the day I switch phones, I do solemnly swear to never ignore my family or friends or become an obsessed Crackberry-head. But check it, what a SWEET phone, right? I guess with our credit/rebate it was the cheaper option from what I was looking for. Go figure! I've crossed over to Blackberry land!

Sick as can be!

2008-10-25T14:37:00.003-04:00

Well, Christy is sick as can be today. And by sick, I mean she doesn't want to be vertical, her sole mission in life today is to stay horizontal. Why am I referring to Christy is the 3rd person? Because this is her husband taking over letting everyone know Christy is down and out.

Being the nice husband and knowing that wifey was sick today I got Lilly out of bed this morning. I was greeted by forms of diarrhea that I did not know even existed. Lilly was covered up to her chest in crap. I am not sure how this is even possible considering that she was fully clothed and none of the poop was on the outside of her clothes. As far as I know she does not sleep or poop upside down. Not enough wipes in the world could have cleansed the putrid stench off of her, so I threw her in the bath. I forewarn everyone to steer clear of of Laundry Room right now though.

A few hours later Zachary decided it was his turn to drop a load in his pants. But this was no typical load, it was a loose load and it was equally nasty. The only pleasure I had in this catastrophe was that it dripped down his leg and he hated that. I think it is justice served for a 3 1/2 year old crapping in his pants.

Not sure what is coming out of Christy today, rest assured I ain't asking. But if I had to guess it is just as foul as the other 2 kids.

Abby is fine, thank goodness. I feel fine as well. I think the 5 pounds of pizza I ate last night is protecting me in a layer of grease that is flu resistant and impenetrable.

Been a glorious day thus far. Now I am on the hunt for food.

Oh, the 24 hour bug has bit

2008-10-23T21:47:00.004-04:00

At least we HOPE it's a 24 hour bug. I don't know if any of our stomachs can handle much more.

Abby came home from school today complaining of a belly ache. She said her tummy hurt all day, but didn't need to go to the nurse. Promptly after that statement she had her head hung in the toilet. She has vomited thirteen times since four o'clock today. We finally got her to take some Advil and keep it down, so for now the cramping has stopped and she resting.

Bless her heart though. She's been writhing on the couch calling out, "Mo-mmy, Mama, please make it stop!" It's so heartbreaking to watch your baby crying in pain and know that there is little to nothing you can do. :(

The Sweetest Thing My Husband Ever Did

2008-10-22T07:21:00.003-04:00

As my dear husband rushed out the door this morning to his never ending list of stuff to do for other people, I realized that we need some alone time again. A flood of memories came back to me, like the first time we met...friends introducing friends. He was a dorm room neighbor of the guy my roommate was head over heels for.

So the exchange was quick and I immediately thought he was cute. And God as my witness, I watched him walk out the dorm doors, down the walkway and when he turned back to look...I flipped him off. WHAT?! Even as I did it I wondered to myself, "Christy, what in the heck did you do that for?! Now he'll never talk to you again." It was totally in jest and he knew it too, but I thought for sure he'd never want to look at me again. LOL And I was partially right, he wasn't interested in me, he wanted my best friend. So began our journey.

Flash forward a few years and we're still in college, Junior year for me. I was living in an apartment with my best friend away from the campus, totally on my own. There was no cafeteria to run to and if I didn't pay rent then I didn't have a place to live. It was awesome! Except, can I just say this now? IF you are going to live with your best friend, split everything down the middle...your half, my half. We thought, in the beginning, that it would be okay to share groceries. It turned out that it wasn't a great idea after all, and most anyone would tell you that. You never go into business with friends b/c someone inevitably feels they are doing more of the work and that they are not getting the fair share of the bottom line. Long story short, I messed up and we ended up splitting our groceries.

I was mostly going into debt there b/c everything I needed had to go onto the credit card and my meager pay from the library wasn't going to cover everything I needed. So the day came when I was flat broke and had no groceries. My side of the cupboards were pretty sparse and I was waaay too proud to ask my roommate for anything. I called Scott in tears of frustration, mostly upset that I couldn't do things on my own. My mom and I were estranged at the time, so there was no option to call home for help. Over the phone, he comforted me and told me everything would work out okay.

An hour later he knocked on the apartment door. When I opened it up, there he stood with bags and bags of groceries on his arms. OH. MY. GOSH. What a sweetheart! He came in and laid the bags on the kitchenette counter and I just started bawling. I was so thankful and so humbled. He loved me. He had taken the time and money to go buy me a whole load of groceries so that I'd be taken care of. I know I fell deeper in love with him at that moment.

I am a very self-reliant person, I think. To a fault almost. I think I can do everything on my own and I've really had to wrestle with my pride over the fact that I am in a submissive place, being a homemaker. Scott is very aware of this fact and consistently assures me that I have nothing to worry about, that he respects me for staying home with our children and that he will take care of us. But even in my own position I feel like I have to take care of it all to the very best and I always fall short. I am constantly running up against this standard I've set in my head. I should be able to do all of "this" AND be beautifully manicured AND be thin AND have a square meal on the table at 5:15pm AND have well behaved children. I should be able to do it ALL on my own.

But the fact is...I can't. And more than that, no one expects that from me but me. It's a false standard that I've set in my mind of what others would expect from me. I also don't believe that God wants me to do it all on my own. I can't. I'll inevitably crash and burn under the weight and heat of list of things to do for other people. There is a scripture reference that just came to mind, the one where Jesus is praying to his Father in front of a crowd of people and is also telling them that "no one comes to the Father, but through me" and then he reaches out to their burdened hearts. All those people who were standing there, all with the same sin and burdens as the rest of us today. And he says "Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light."

I, for one, am going to find rest in that. Do you ever feel like the list is never ending, the demands SO big some times, too much for too long? I know I do. Turn to Him who can give you the rest for your soul. He's not gonna take away the To-Do List, but he will take the heaviness of the yolk you carry and lay his peace on your shoulders so that you can effectively and with clear sight do the tasks at hand. Anything done in only your strength is nothing compared to something done in His strength.

And to Scott, thank you for the blessing you gave me so many years ago in that tiny kitchenette as my boyfriend. And thank you for the blessing of your help, love and protection every day as my husband.

A Trip to the Punkin' Patch

2008-10-16T14:14:00.005-04:00

Today was Zach's preschool field trip to Lynd's Fruit Farm (aka the punkin patch.)

Yesterday it was nearly 80 degrees outside, sunny as I'll get out and I even turned the AC on b/c it was so warm in the house. Today, not quite as nice. Word has it that the temp dropped fifteen degrees in a matter of an hour and a half in the wee hours this morning, so our trip was a little dampened by mildly wet fifty degree weather. I actually thought it was quite nice. It felt appropriate...kinda like we needed some warm cider to go along with it. BUT, the thirty three year olds and their parents/siblings (Lilly included) didn't catch the seasonal spirit. There were a LOT of red runny noses, purple lips and frosty fingers.

We started our field trip with a field guide named Charlie, who looked like a much more grey Grizzly Adams. He walked us through the gourd patch where we each got to pick out three gourds, and then through the corn field where we picked two ears of Indian corn. Did you know that if you find a completely red ear of corn, you get to kiss any guy or girl (the opposite sex of yourself, he noted) you want? I guess it's true? Our ears were all mottled, so no kissing going on at Lynds for us, at least in OUR group of preschoolers.

Then we all packed onto three wagons pulled by tractors for a bumpy ride out to the Punkin Patch. :)

Overall, it went pretty darned smooth except that we had to wait 20 minutes for our tractor/wagon, the little guy had to pee really bad but refused to go in a porta-potty and the fact that he has an extreme attraction to his teacher, Mrs. Stanley. She IS cute. But, he had a really hard time obeying Mommy b/c all he wanted was to be holding her hand, pulling on her coat or talking to her. He just lit up every time she talked with him or let him sit next to her. Guess he likes the older ladies. :)~ She seemed to really enjoy all the kids when they engaged with her and she's the one teacher who burst out into song while we were all impatiently waiting for our tractor. She must be the fun teacher and why the kids just adore her.

Now I've got a three year old toting around a small pumpkin, two gourds (scratch that. He broke one already) and a couple ears of Indian corn around the house like they are his brand new toys. He's quite happy with them!

Forget the fork. I have fingers.

2008-10-15T14:57:00.004-04:00

Today I gave Lilly a fork and was teaching her to use it properly. She totally did it for the first ten times and then as soon as I grabbed the camera she was all "what's a fork?!" She'd skewer the Gerber ravioli (that feels more like an overcooked greasy eyeball) and then decide it was quicker to grab it with the other hand and shove it in her mouth.

It was a good start, Lil, but that smile will only get you so far in life.

Where are the microbeads???

2008-10-15T09:58:00.002-04:00

Okay, so Monday I took one FORM pill and eh, I kinda felt full for awhile. It didn't stop me from eating anything though. I waited and waited, thinking that at any minute I'd have to run to the bathroom to expel gel (hee hee), but nothing. So the next day I took two (one whole capsule and the other one I scooped up as much as I could and put the capsule back together) and within five minutes or so I felt FULL. Full, like I had just eaten too much and didn't want anymore food for sure. I felt like that for oh, I'd said about thirty to forty minutes. I ate a small lunch and felt quite full for most of the day. I still snacked on stuff, a few KitKats here and there. But overall, I think it did it's job. The capsules coupled with serious self-control could really help a person lose weight. I can easily see that.

So...I "went" Monday morning and today is Wednesday and I have yet to see any of the gel pass through. Going several days without "going" is not out of character for me, it's just the way I am geared right now. Funny though, when I was working in an office...I was like clockwork! 9am meeting? Nope, that's the poopy time. Sorry. Now that I'm home and not on a strict schedule I could go days on end without going. So goofy! So anyway, yea, I'm still waiting to see what happens when these expanded gel microbeads come out.

And just to clarify for any worrying friends out there...I do NOT think I'm seriously in need of diet pills. I was just trying these out for a friend to see how they would effect me. Totally a guinea pig. And so far, there were NO side effects at all, except that I felt really full which isn't all that bad. I'd have to say that if anyone is really overweight and eating mass proportions of food throughout the day and desires to get their food portions under control, then this capsule (used as a training tool) would help them do that. Just like with anything else, it's a moderation thing.

What is God up to?

2008-10-13T20:19:00.005-04:00

I am reading this book called Walking With God by John Elderedge and one story really caught my attention tonight. It made me think of the letter I wrote to my doctor and the fact that I still haven't sent it. Maybe this is why.

What Is God Up To?

I'm sitting in front of my computer this morning, my finger frozen over the left click button on the mouse.

My email program is asking, "Are you sure you want to delete this message?" And I'm not so sure. It's SUCH a good email. It's incontestable. Undeniable. It's long overdue. Someone has ticked me off and I've written what I feel to be is a very honest, straightforward, somewhat shaming and altogether irrefutable reply. I'm about to hit the Send button with the same satisfaction you see on the face of a player who gets to slam dunk a ball he stole on a fast break during the Final Four. This is going to be so good.

Then God says, don't do it.

Don't do it?! Awww. Something in me sinks. The ref just blew a whistle. There's a foul on the play. Dang. It was going to be so good. It was deserved. Why can't I send this? I don't need for God to reply. I know why. The fact that I've found the whole process so utterly delicious tells me why. (You know that delicious. You have these moments too - those conversations you have in your head where you are brilliant and the other person is speechless.) I can sense the Spirit saying, It won't do any good. They aren't in a place to hear it. Let it go."

A long pause. A deep sigh. Things are shifting down inside. I am accepting more than guidance here. I am accepting change. Down in my soul where the juncture of my will and my heart meet. I am accepting transformation. I click Yes and let the whole thing go.

Jesus says that as our Good Shepherd, he is leading us. What an encouraging thought. Jesus is leading you, and he is leading me. He is shepherding us. I can feel something in my heart loosening even now as I consider this. Okay. I don't have to make life happen on my own. Now, if Christ takes it upon himself to lead, then our part is to follow. And you'll find that it helps a great deal in your following if you know what God is up to. True, we may not know exactly what God is up to in this or that event in our lives. "Why didn't I get that job?" "How come she won't return my calls?" "Why haven't my prayers healed this cancer?" I don't know. Sometimes we can get clarity, and sometimes we can't.

But whatever else is going on, we can know this: God is always up to our transformation.

God wants us to be happy. Really. "I have come that they may have life, and have it to the full" (John 10:10)

But he knows that in order for us to be truly happy, we have to be whole. Another word for that is holy. We have to be restored.

Think of it this way -- think of how you feel when you really screwed things up. The look on your son's face as you yell at him. The distance that has grown between you even though you apologized. For the hundredth time. How it tears you up inside to indulge in romantic fantasies about someone else's spouse. You want to, but you don't want that, but you wish you could, but you really don't, and why is this going on inside? The guilt you feel when you lie straight-faced to a friend. And they find out. The hours you've wasted harboring resentment. The embarrassment of your addictions. You know what plagues you.

Now, what would it be like to never, ever do it again? Not even to struggle with it. What would your life be like if you were free of all that haunts you?

Oh, the joy, the utter relief it would be to be transformed. That in itself would be more happiness than most of us ever experience. And - as if that were not enough - it would free us to live the life God has for us to live.

My friends, this is what God's up to. This is where our Shepherd is headed. Whatever else is going on in our lives, this is going on. He is committed to our transformation. So, if this is what God's up to, wouldn't it make sense what we be more intentional in partnering with him in our transformation? Part of me wishes I could have sent the email. But the deeper, truer part of me is relieved that God stopped me. It would have hurt that person. I would have regretted it later. It would have created a crisis that would have taken hours of emotional energy to undo. I can't begin to number the disasters God has averted like that - the things he's stopped me from saying, the choices I would have made has he not intervened.

I want to walk with God.

Parenting Stuff

2008-10-13T09:48:00.003-04:00

Since going to this "Mom to Mom" class I've been trying very hard to accept my authority as a parent and use it. We've adopted the "obey the first time you are asked" rule in the house, explained it to both kids and are following through. So say I tell Zachary to stop banging the toy against the wall. He gets that one warning and then no more. If he does it again I walk over and get him on the leg with the paddle. We've had a little learning time, but for the most part he's getting it. Should he NOT get it and defiantly tell us "NO", which he's done several times this week already...I tell him to go to his room and wait for me there, I'll be up in a minute. Now when the mom told me this in class I thought, "there's NO way this dude is going to voluntarily go upstairs and actually wait. It's always a fight." But lo and behold, the first time I asked him to...he did it! Someone, somewhere was praying for me. So I then go upstairs with the paddle and calmly ask him to stand up and tell me what he did wrong. Now before, this dude would always say something like "um, maybe?" or give me some kind of nonsense talk. So again I argued in my mind that this would never work. And lo and behold, the first time and every time since he's clearly told me what he did to disobey. Whoa! So then I calmly explain that he was disobeying and that bc he disobeyed he has to be punished. The mom said that this experience is meant to be humbling for them, not terribly scary, so never wrangle them to the floor or bend them against their will. They are to bend over the bed submissively and take the punishment without a fight. Again, no way this side of heaven Zachary B is ever going to willingly bend over the bed for a spanking. And don't you know...this dude has done it every single time. Not always willingly, but I never spank him until he's submitted, bent over and ready. He gets three firm swats on his toosh and then he always turns to me with tears and we hug and love and I tell him that he's still my boy he just has to obey Mommy and Daddy like Jesus says he has to.

Now this goes against everything in my bones. I don't think any loving mom enjoys causing tears from her babies, but I've come to believe that God really asks us to teach obedience and respect to our children. If they don't obey and respect us parents, then what hope do we have that they'll obey and respect any other authority figure, especially God.

I first went through the method of grace based, non-punitive discipline, but frankly Zachary and Abby both just took advantage and could care less if I put them in time out, time in, bedroom time, five step method, etc. My children have responded to blessings, training and discipline with love, and that's just in two weeks. Then I struggled with "is this how God would treat me as an unruly child?" Do as He does, right? My answer is yes, but I'm not prepared to go into a detailed explanation in this post as to why. Just know that I've come to grips with it and it's working for us.

Don't you know, since taking back my authority as a parent and choosing that my house will be a parent-led home and not a child-led home...life has been a little more in order. I'm feeling okay about spending more time with my kids too b/c they are not constantly causing friction. I'm not saying that I have it all wrapped up in a nice package, I'm just starting the learning here. Gosh, the mom of ten who is leading this class said that only in the past few years has she felt like she had a handle on parenting. But so far, it's working and I praise God in heaven b/c just a month ago I didn't think I wanted to do this anymore since I felt like a huge failure at it. Not that quitting is ever an option. *wink*

Oh, and this is working with Lilly too, even at one year old. We couldn't ever leave the dog food and water dishes down, but I changed that when the class leader said your children should be able to live in your home with all of your things out on the tables. She said that this is part of the "training" stages btwn the ages of 1 and 3, when they don't really know the difference btwn good and evil but are able to respond to love and pain. So Friday or Saturday I put the dog dishes down and of course she went right to them. I stood there and when she touched it I said firmly but in a calm tone "No, Lilly." Then she stood up, cried and tried again. This time I flicked her hand and said sternly "No" and redirected her. A minute later she was right back there, just barely touching it with a matchbox car. So I flicked her hand and said no again. Long story short, it took several moments of training, but she got it. The dog dishes have been down all weekend and she's not dumped them or touched them since. *big grin* Yea!! Of course, Zachary at this age...I'd have spent the whole weekend flicking and finally giving up. That boy was relentless and exhausting, such a strong spirit.

So, that's the scoop on the parenting front. I'm encouraged and excited to see how we're doing in a few months. I wish all my mommy friends could come with me to this gal's class. It's been a life preserver in a turbulent sea for me.

Skinny Guinea Pig?

2008-10-12T08:44:00.005-04:00

No, folks, we did not get a new pet. I AM the guinea pig here. I've agreed to be the guinea pig anyway.

I have this friend I met through the Gentle Christian Mother's website, though we've never actually met in person, only talked via email. A penpal, if you will. :) This friend is a self-motivated, educated stay at home mom of four and is wanting to try out this new business venture (as if one existing business and being a mom of four isn't enough, right?) that is based in the weight loss industry.

Without detailing ALL the information here on my blog, I'll post a few informational links at the bottom of the post. My friend contacted me this last week and asked if I'd be interested in being a tester for her and try these hot new diet pills called FORM. They are one part of a three part system by 03World, the other two parts are a nutrient shake and fiber bulking agent that helps keep your system in order.

She sent me a few pills in the mail yesterday and I'm gonna try one today. She sent five capsules, but only two survived the mailing. I think I can scoop the microbeads back into one or two of the empty capsules, but we'll see what these two pills do to me first.

Everything I've read about these pills seems to be positive. The microbeads are a hydrogel and completely bioinert (are not absorbed in any way and do not change your body chemistry.) The idea is that these tiny microbeads act with water, swell and cause your stomach to fill, sending a message to your brain that you are full and to stop eating. Basically the opposite of a gastric bypass, you feel full and eat less without surgery.

I'm a SERIOUS grazer. I eat ALL day long here at the house. I usually eat a frozen waffle or a few pieces of toast for breakfast, half a pot of coffee, snacks with the kids, lunch could be anything from nuggets to grilled cheese. My usual sugar crash and binge occurs around 2-3pm when I begin foraging for ANYTHING that might have high fructose corn syrup in it. That sugary bliss goes down with another cup of coffee and gosh, I hope that it's enough to get me through the rest of the evening! Abby comes home around 4pm, we set out a small snack to get the kids through til dinner (a habit that really needs to stop now) and dinner around 5:30. By the end of the day I've eaten way more than I've needed to and a bunch of fat/sugar, and guilt inevitably follows. I'd wager money that if I cut out the snacks and sugar foods, I'd drop the extra fifteen pounds I carry around daily.

So, my plan is to take my usual medication this morning, already having my coffee, wait half an hour and then take one pill with 8 ounces of water. Then I'll wait to see if my head pops off or swollen microbeads come shooting out of my nose. "They" say that it takes two and half hours for the slippery, jelly microbeads to make their way through one's system. At which point, I'm envisioning me on the toilet, my butt being taken hostage by thousands of tiny beads.

Actually, I'm not worried at all. It's an interesting idea and I'll let you all know how it goes. In the meantime, you can check out more info on this pill at these site.

My New Diet Pill

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=c8DJYgyrGaA&feature=related

And Sara, she is really so adorable and comical
Youtube video

Stay tuned! I'll let you all know how it goes!

Dragonflies and Lilypads

2008-10-08T08:15:00.005-04:00

Honestly, I am very impressed! Abby made this in art class this last week. I didn't get to see the other kids projects to compare, but it doesn't matter. I LOVE IT! This picture doesn't do it justice either.

I asked her how she made it, whether the teacher did any of it. She said that she started with a blank sheet of green paper, chalked the lily pads and water and then stamped the dragonflies on top. She says that the teacher gave her directions on how to do it and this is what she came up with.

I do hope she loves Art. It was my favorite subject in school!

Going Against the Rules

2008-10-07T10:32:00.005-04:00

I went to Walgreens after dropping off the kids at school. I went specifically for the items with coupons and one of those was shredded cheese. It was a GOOD deal too - $1.50 a bag. That's like a dollar off of the usual price at Krogers. So I grabbed all that they had, six I think.

Just then two black ladies walked up behind me and the one said loudly "Awe man, she took them ALL!" I just glanced at her, back to the groceries and waited. The other one said "Yea she did. And they won't let you ring out more than two at a time. That's the limit."

So I get all nervous and I'm like (in my nicest, nervous tone) "if you need it, I'll give you one. What kind do you need?"

She says "I need mild cheddar." So I give her one and she stalks off.

The other black lady stands there and reminds me that they'll only let me ring two out at a time, so I looked back at her and said "That's cool. I'll just do separate transactions" and started walking.

She goes "Mmmhmm" (in her black lady tone) and walks the other way.

Then I'm rounding the aisles near the register and shoowee you should have heard them. They were going back and forth with each other and the register girl telling her ALLLL about my transgression of taking ALLLL the cheese, even though it only says a limit of two.

LOL...I just took my cheese to the counter and did two transactions. Sorry girls! I did give her one, but finders keepers, losers weepers.