Quitter

I got through a week of the fast, guys, and I quit. What can I say? I was weak this time around and was nibbling here and there, and I knew that relenting to snacking would be a slippery slope. It was a very slippery slope. By this last weekend there was an all out brawl raging in my head. "Just give it up, Christy, you've already broken the fast." No, no, no, I know that God will honor my efforts and I want to remain under his covering. "Yea, but you are hungry and you know your husband would rather eat with you than without you." Yes, I know, but he's being so respectful of this fast and doesn't want to get between God and me. "But you already eaten food and really, it's not the fact that you have eaten that is withholding God from working in the prayer points and giving himself to you, so what's the POINT of starving yourself at all??" The POINT is so that I can clear myself of wanting to eat to stuff down my emotions and instead lean on my Father for those needs. The POINT is to allow God to carry me through these temptations and difficulties and show Himself bigger in my life.

So back and forth like a fast paced tennis match all day, all evening and I finally laid down my racquet and consoled myself with the fact that 1) God still adores me , 2) He and I had a great week together and 3) I believe He is still mightily at work in these prayer points.

It doesn't alleviate the feeling of failure though. In fact, that feeling of failure seems to always be there. Why is that? Lord, why is that? No matter how much I do I feel as if I'm not doing it well enough or not at all. Father, help me to unearth the root of this feeling and tend to the wounded soil left behind. I want to rest in You.