Quitter

I got through a week of the fast, guys, and I quit. What can I say? I was weak this time around and was nibbling here and there, and I knew that relenting to snacking would be a slippery slope. It was a very slippery slope. By this last weekend there was an all out brawl raging in my head. "Just give it up, Christy, you've already broken the fast." No, no, no, I know that God will honor my efforts and I want to remain under his covering. "Yea, but you are hungry and you know your husband would rather eat with you than without you." Yes, I know, but he's being so respectful of this fast and doesn't want to get between God and me. "But you already eaten food and really, it's not the fact that you have eaten that is withholding God from working in the prayer points and giving himself to you, so what's the POINT of starving yourself at all??" The POINT is so that I can clear myself of wanting to eat to stuff down my emotions and instead lean on my Father for those needs. The POINT is to allow God to carry me through these temptations and difficulties and show Himself bigger in my life.

So back and forth like a fast paced tennis match all day, all evening and I finally laid down my racquet and consoled myself with the fact that 1) God still adores me , 2) He and I had a great week together and 3) I believe He is still mightily at work in these prayer points.

It doesn't alleviate the feeling of failure though. In fact, that feeling of failure seems to always be there. Why is that? Lord, why is that? No matter how much I do I feel as if I'm not doing it well enough or not at all. Father, help me to unearth the root of this feeling and tend to the wounded soil left behind. I want to rest in You.

Day 5

The past few days have been... interesting. As far as the fast part goes, I did eat a banana before I played tennis on Tuesday and then an hour into the match I had to drink a protein drink because I was so lightheaded, but the more interesting part was the spiritual side of this thing. I said yesterday that I'm focusing my prayers in on a few situations and one of those "sitches" is boiling over a bit. We'll call this person Person A. Person A opens up to me and reveals just what's going on inside of their head and heart by telling me to listen to all the songs on Eminem's Recovery track list. So I began my research on Youtube and well about half way into the list I was already being painted a very ugly, depressed and suicidal picture. I actually had to turn the music off because the lyrics were so vile and crude that my kids couldn't possibly be around. After a few texts Person A finally called me and started laying it on me. It's alllll my fault. Man, you should of heard it! If I were to buy into it all I'D be the one depressed and suicidal. Who knew I had all that power and control all along and didn't know it!? And the thing is I love Person A. If I looked at all the facts laid before me I'd be 110% sure that there is nothing to be done. Apparently I'm wrong, been wrong all along and there seems to be no help. Good thing I don't look at the facts. I mean, in the moment I often do, and there's where I get into trouble, flip out, don't react correctly, say things I shouldn't, etc, but God's Grace is sufficient for those times. When I take a step back, crawl into my prayer closet, God reveals the truth to me. I know that Person A isn't the one speaking and blaming me. I know I'm not the one at fault. I know that God is at work under the soil, in the unseen places. Sure, the topsoil looks dry, cracked, lifeless. But underneath that exterior lies the seeds of faith in Person A. I'm pouring fresh water on that through my prayers, through positive, affirm texts, through spiritual warfare and SO IS CHRIST (always up there beseeching the Father on our behalf.) I know that under the surface there is a miraculous work going on, a work of change and healing that is unseen but soon will burst forth in vibrant green color. A work that one day will sprout up into a strong healthy shoot and will glorify the one who caused the change. No, not me, but He who is working through me and He who spilled His blood for Person A. SO I will not be discouraged and I will press into this fast with all that I have in Christ, press forward to see that sprout of green come out of seemingly dead and dying soil.

Day Three

Day two was harder than I expected, but I have to remember that the first few days are harder than all the rest. The craving to eat when I'm stressed is STRONG and was tested yesterday a few times. It's important for me to keep the juice and WATER flowing during the day and mentally prepare myself for that dinner hour when the stress level in the house naturally seems to peak. I didn't do that yesterday.

One of the people I'm focusing prayer on called me yesterday afternoon and stirred some things up, and instead of resting in my God-given power I focused in on the issue. I couldn't run to food to help me think things out so I only had raw emotions to run on and my knee-jerk reaction was to run away. "I'M OUT! I don't want any part of drama." That was my exact response. After many text, a few quiet moments to think things through and a perfectly timed insertion of the Holy Spirit I realized (again *sigh*) that I'm not in control, I asked to be USED in this situation to bring Salt and Light and that God is perfectly in control. I realized that what God meant for good (this fasting period and my willingness to be used for His glory in a painful situation/life) the Enemy was trying to make me believe was useless and under my control. *throwing my hands back and up in the air* WHOA! Thank you, Lord, for that revelation! So many times we have this perception that we can control a situation or that we, at the very least, can control OUR part of the situation, but honestly my best attempt at controlling this would be a miserable failure. I LOVE the person in this situation and my biggest prayer is that God would be glorified in that person's life. If I need to be removed from this scenario then God, let it be so! But if I am in any way a stepping stone for this person to get closer to the power and healing the Lord has for them, then GOD, CHANGE ME so that I may be used more effectively in your hands as a tool of righteousness, light, truth and above all else unbelievable love. My initial reaction was to run away from the possibility of being hurt myself or to cause hurt, but this morning as I quieted myself before the Lord I remembered that He is fully in control and that "no weapon formed against me shall prosper." What the enemy means for our pain or bondage shall not prosper. He may try, but will not succeed. He tried to craft this scenario and use my perceived weakness of being hungry and my imaginary grip of Control to bring death into a situation that God is healing...and HE LOST. I'm not weak, I'm not in control! WOOHOO! Remember, enemy, where the head of your army is buried! You know... the head of Goliath, a mountain, a cross...ringing a bell? May the Lord rebuke you, enemy!

Remember, my friends, NO WEAPON FORMED AGAINST US SHALL PROSPER! We have victory because our King already marched over this land, over these situations. HE WON, so we can walk in victory!

Oh, and I had five or six crackers last night. No guilt! Just gonna get it out there so no there is no falseness. :)