Okay gals, let's have a little girlfriend chat here. Ya know, the kind you have with only your BEST girlfriend that always includes the nitty gritty details you wouldn't dare tell anyone else. Except I'm gonna put it all out there for the world AND my best friends.
So, I have poopie issues. Anyone who knows me well, knows I go days on days without pooing and then suddenly I have to poo and it takes me the whole Columbus Dispatch, a roll of TP and a plunger to finish the week of no poopie hell.
Yea, its' gross, I know it. It's how my plumbing works. So like or lump it.
Seriously though...I was working on day SEVEN of no pooing and my gawd I knew there was half a bowl of that Velveeta cheese and sausage dip stuck in there. It just had to come out one way or another. So I figure I'll try some of this dieter's tea that my mom gave me. I'd tried it in the past and it worked, so why the heck not. I steep a hot cup of this Asian loveliness and wait for results. About, oh I'd say six hours later, I feel a rumble and make way for the bathroom with great anticipation. Take care of business and I'm feeling pretty good. Another day goes by and I'm feeling all achey in the abdominal area and I'm like, I'll give it another go with the tea. Only this time I steep the tea way too friggin long! Yea. I get all sidetracked with a kid or something else and fifteen, twenty minutes later my tea is dark and barely warm. So I take about four good swigs off of it and dump the rest.
Okay, here's where it gets interesting.
About TWO hours later my intestines start making this rumbling and vibrational noise that I can imagine Old Faithful makes right before it blows. Beads of sweat start forming on my brow and I immediately know I'd better make it to the bathroom and fast.
I make it. Don't worry!
But let me tell you what...I had to endure that feeling/noise and dart to the bathroom FOUR
MORE TIMES in the next hours. By the third time it felt like I was wiping with a cactus. And by the end of this session my butt was aching and burning, crying out for mercy. My gawd, Woman! WHAT. DID. YOU. DO?You know how you take a really hard poo and it takes you awhile to walk again, like two minutes of just standing there waiting for the burn to subside. Oh yea, that was me. Except it was more like five minutes and I was doubled over the sink with my head on my folded arms and I was swaying trying to take my mind off of my butt.
And then, even when I could walk again, it took another two hours and two Tylenol Extra Strength for the swelling and aching to stop. It literally felt like someone shoved a boot up my toosh and back out again.
Alright, so why share all these gawd-awful details with you? I share this with you, all my lovely friends and internetty-people to spare you the horror. For the love of all that is holy and sacred in this world, DO NOT drink Tru-Slim dieter's tea that has been steeped too long after you've had a week's worth of backlogged poopie. Your anus will never forgive you and I will surely be pitying you and saying "I told you so."
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