Rollercoaster of Life

Do you ever feel like your life is a roller coaster? Well I sure as heck do! I go up, I go down, I go through one of those twists in life that makes my head wanna pop off and my stomach lurch. I whiz past all the onlookers with my mouth open in a silent, desperate scream and they just smile unknowingly, or maybe they know full well what horror I'm in but they still can't stop the machine. It's that one spot though that tricks me, that one where the car feels like it's slowed down enough for my hair to come back to place and I can breathe again. It's that spot in the ride where I feel like I did it, I got through the rough stuff and, surely the exit is right up ahead. Then the car takes a dive again and up and down and up and down. *sigh* I want OFF this roller coaster.

I was looking back through old posts here the other day and was surprised by how uneven my daily life is. One day it's heartbreak, the next it's chaotic with kids, the next I'm praising God with everything I have and yet the next I'm complaining about something else. And my prayer journal is the same way! I looked back through it this morning, mostly b/c I didn't feel like writing, and one day I was praising for all that I had in my children, home and husband, the next I was asking for forgiveness for how I treated them. The one thing that remains solid through it all though, in belief and in written word, is that I trust God whole-heartedly with it all. I don't give it to him daily, like I should, but I DO trust Him that He is working for the good of me and my family, and that He loves me more than I know.

So if I believe that and write it - then why don't I live it? How hard it is to walk so closely to Him that I do not waiver like a tall blade of grass in the wind. I want to be there, in that Strongtower, safe and secure with Him and be so strong that I do not live by emotions (that change hourly, sometimes by the minutes here) or be moved by every situation I encounter.

I am weary from this roller coaster ride and want to get off. I want the Holy Spirit to change me and change the perspective of my life. All I can see right now is endless screaming and tension in my house (the kids, the illnesses) and my mind easily runs away with me, thinking I have control and MUST change things for the better. "I" have to get the kid under control. "I" have to get a job to pad the saving account. "I" have to organize the cabinets and clutter around here so my husband feels more comfortable. "I" have to stop spending money and clip coupons and make sacrifices so that we can save the pennies and dollars. "I" have to make sure the holiday go off without a hitch and everyone feels loved. "I" have make things right. And why is it always so much easier to see the speck in someone else's eye and not the plank in your own? I can stand here and spout off to Scott that he needs to "calm down, stop worrying so much and giving us all an ulcer with his Doom and Gloom thoughts." Yet here I sit in the quiet and mutter about how it's all going to hell in a handbasket and I can't change a thing, but I must try harder.

So...is this what life is? A series of highs and lows and infrequent breaks in the excitement. If so, how do we as Christians stay even keeled while on this ride?

And then I went to church a few hours after starting this post.

I was so saddened by the fact that I stood there through all the P&W songs, the beginning prayers and such and NOT ONE WORD got through my steely heart and skin. I was SO stressed out and tense that I couldn't even unwind for a moment to enjoy the service. I silently prayed that the holy spirit would move in me because the way I was feeling at that moment was almost scary to me. It was like I was on the outside looking in at the churchgoers and Pastor Steve, and not a part of the body. Now I've been bored before, distracted and just not interested in the message. This was different. I was glaring at these adorable, young, beautiful couples in front of us and trying so desperately hard not to be jealous of them. I kept telling myself to stop and to pay attention to the message, and that they are no different from me on the inside...we're all believers, I'm just one that's more stressed out than normal this weekend.

Then Pastor Steve started to talk about control and how we think we have control over our lives, but we really don't. And then my heart stirred and I started paying attention. I also realized then that I'd been very hard trying to hold back tears of anger and frustration, and when he said the words "we, as Christians, need to let go of the steering wheel and say 'Lord, you take the wheel. I'm not doing a great job here keeping on track. You take the wheel and lead my life.'" The dam broke and my frustrations started leaking out and I knew all too well that I need to do that. I have GOT to stop trying to keep all the pieces together and trying to make everything "okay." It's not okay. It's really crappy right now. Scott's job is not at all secure (though also not lost), our savings is meager (but also there for us), my husband is allowed to freak out and feel out of control too (I don't need to make him feel better, that's the HS's job) and my life is not and cannot be perfect. Life may very well get very difficult for us over the next year, we may even need to be humbled a lot more...but I have that trust in a God who loves and protects and cherishes His children. I have seen God work miracles in lives that were in complete shambles before and He built it back up to better than what it was. So ALL is NOT lost.

And thank you to all of my close girlfriends who are being of great support during this emotional and crazy physical illness time. Neither Scott nor I are ones to ask for help from anyone and I think that is a great lesson of humility for us at this time. Whether it is via Instant Messages, e-mail, a phone call, offering to watch our nutty children or being a prayer partner. I appreciate you!!