The Monkey Test

Somewhere out there in the world, probably even right here in my neighborhood there is an adorable couple just trying their hearts out to have a baby. They'll spend thousands of dollars (all worth it, btw) to get pregnant. All over the U.S. there are teenage girls desperately wanting to have babies of their own just so they'll have someone to love them unconditionally. Scott and I were of the former people. We wanted so much to have a baby as soon as we could and welcomed our second one four years later with happy, open arms. Then we welcomed a third surprise baby two years after that. We have lots to be thankful for when there are so many people out there wanting to have ONE baby and simply cannot.

Well, I'm here today to challenge those people out there who think they want a whole house full of kids. Yesterday was one of those rough days here at the house. At many points in the day all three kids were screaming at one time and we parents were about to flip our lids. We even tried to coax a grandparent to come take them off our hands, but to our dismay came up empty. I just stood in the middle of the kitchen mentally separating myself from the chaos that surrounded me, and it dawned on me that yes, living in this house with three small children is EXACTLY like living with three small chimpanzees.

I'm not kidding one bit here, Friends. They're SO cute to look at. Oh, you just want to hold them and run your fingers through their cute chimpy hair, and then just as soon as they take their mental focus off of the lovey, cuddley moment they are off climbing all over the furniture, breaking stuff, pooping on the floor, screeching at ear piercing decibels, eating you out of house and home, picking at each other, etc. It's just like Wild Kingdom!!

I think that people who want to have children should be required to take the Monkey Test and be licensed by the city zoo to do so. Jack Hannah can drop off three little chimps for you to chimp-sit for a week and if you come out of the experience unscathed in your intentions to have one baby, THEN and ONLY THEN are you allowed to be a parent. I think if someone had given Scott and I the Monkey Test back before we started having babies, we'd have been sterilized. *wink*

And I hear that having a teenager in the house is quite like owning a Silverback Gorilla. Very touchy, almost ominous, likes to lounge and eat a lot, but if provoked can move swiftly and shred you into pieces. So maybe there should be a Part B to the Monkey Test to see if you could possibly be ready to parent a teenager. Unfortunately, I don't think that anything can ready you for that stage of parenthood except surviving the Chimp stage. If this is true, then the atmosphere at our house a few years from now should be enough to make Scott and I qualify for President and V.P of the Looney Bin.