This weekend was the annual Tennis4you.com get together (this is my hub's ultra cool instructional tennis website ala tennis fanatic haven) and thanks to my Mom coming up and spending the night, I got to go! We decided to take Lilly with us though, as keeping up with Z's shenanigans would prove hard enough. Abby's the most fun one, so she stayed with Gramma as well and watched The Spiderwick Chronicles and Hannah Montana 3D with her.
Anyway, the hosts of the get together were a really sweet couple, Christy and Greg, with their really sweet daughter, Ella. Their house is amazing and decorated just so...well, quite like I would do it if I had the space, money and creativity. I'm not judging here...everything in their house, from the food to the furniture to the clothes to the toys, is top shelf. Clearly they are well off financially...and I'm totally happy for them. My point in bringing this up is that it made that mostly dead part of my heart wake up. That part of me that still desires to have a career and be fruitful in the workplace and bring home the bacon.
It's ironic to me now that I'd even be sitting here wishing for it at all. Four years ago I was the happiest woman alive knowing that I could stop working full-time and be home with my baby girl. It was a dream come true. It was two years of prayers and tears come to life, handed to me on a merciful platter. Four years ago I would have laughed out loud in your face, really rudely so you'd get the full gist that I didn't believe you when you said "you'll miss the working world and find that staying home with children is harder." I promised God that I'd start Bible studies here in my neighborhood and witness to all the moms if He'd JUST give me this one thing. And while I have been a witness/spiritual friend/study leader in my four years...I wouldn't say I've made a big dent in my neighborhood at-home mother population. Four years ago, I never thought I'd long for the routine of the office, the barking orders of bottom line seeking superiors, the stressful meetings, the deadlines, the reports, the pantyhose, the public restrooms (well, I don't miss that at all!), the traffic jams or the interoffice gossip/relationships. And for the most part, I've really let that desired part of my heart die...until I meet another mother who's having her cake and eating it too. Then I start wondering "what if." Oh that "What If Monster!" What if I'd stuck with the job I was in and progressed in the position? What kind of salary would I have by now? How much more knowledge would I have? How much more money would we have in the bank? How much fun it is to get all dressed up in the clothes, make up and feel part of something bigger than yourself!
But then I look at my children and know how important THIS job is. I feel glad that if either of them are sick they can sleep in their own bed and be comforted by their mother instead of a daycare provider. I'm here for them day or night to kiss boo-boos, comfort their sad hearts, laugh with them, teach them the way of the world and our family values, enjoy life on their level painting, coloring, playing with Play-doh. I get to see all the milestones, the VERY firsts... and not just the one that's "first" for me when the babysitter got to see the real one.
I'm not passing judgement on any other moms who have to work either. We're just one hardship away from that very thing, so I understand what a priviledge this position is. We do what we have to do to take care of our children/families. I'm just saying there are definite perks and blessings to being an full time at-home mother.
Once when I was bemoaning my position here at the house and wondering aloud to my mother should I go back to work she said very profoundly, "Christy, you're gonna second guess yourself no matter which decision you make. The question is not should you go back to work. The question is what is the best thing for your children in the situation you are in." Well said, Mom! So clearly, for our family, the best thing for our children is for me to be home with them. *sigh* I just wish that other green eyed monster side of me would die, die, die. I don't want to feel torn about it anymore...it's been four years! I want to just relax into this position and be thankful and joyful in it.
I guess this journey of full-time motherhood is really a metamorphosis and not just a simple decision. God is changing me and it's taking a lot more time than I thought. Maybe because I keep fighting it so much? Lesson for today...do not compare myself to other mothers (at home or not) and be fully present in my own home. Each one should test his own actions. Then he can take pride in himself, without comparing himself to somebody else, for each one should carry his own load (Galatians 6:4-5). God, purify my heart and bring my mothering heart to the surface so that I can let go of old notions of what I should be. Constantly remind me how important my job here is and let me see the fruits of my labor. Bind the enemy from me. Keep the lies from my ears and surely from taking root in my heart. Amen.
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