Reflections on Trusting

Okay, so I have trust issues. Sue me.

My father was not around while I was growing up (except a for a few years where I lived with him and my stepmother), my grandpas were absent, mean and/or drunk, I was molested at an early age and every single boyfriend I had cheated on me, no matter how good I treated them. So I don't have a real stellar history with men in my life. If it weren't for Scott coming into my life and showing me that I can trust him over a span of thirteen years, I probably would have sworn off of men entirely and become a celibate.

And even still I find myself feeling SO insecure. If I have the slightest inkling that my husband is looking sideways at a woman, the fur rises and out come the claws. Not necessarily at my hubby, but more at the object of his attention. I'll rip her to shreds and if she's not touchable, say a celebrity, then I'll rip myself to shreds for not being as hot as her. It's a sickness, I know!!! But how do I stop?

I know I'm not alone in this. I think it's particularly difficult for a woman in today's society to meet all the expectation in the fast paced, youthful Barbie doll world around her, and especially as a stay at home mom. I feel like I have to fight the stereotype of the bon-bon eating loafer, keep up with the Flylady and be a sex kitten in the bedroom. I need to have manicured hands, get the floors scrubbed, keep my boobs relatively high and butt dimple-free, stay within the recommended weight range, keep the underwear and socks plentiful in the drawers, discipline the children, teach them the ABC's, cut the coupons, be the spiritual leader, take the kids/dogs to their appointments and activities, balance the checkbook, stock the groceries AND look as good as he deserves and wants me to.

And trust me...I fall short in all of these areas at some point or another. To his credit, hubby never really complains either. He's gotten use to the fact that his socks will most likely be crumpled in the dryer, the kids will be driving us up the wall and dinner will not be the well balanced, prompt meal that he grew up having.

You know, after thirteen years of being with this man...I think his history should tell me enough about him, right? He's a trustworthy guy. He comes home promptly, doesn't have a Myspace page (that I know of *wink*), he's not out galavanting with the guys. He's a simple dude who loves his family and is here, involved as much as he can be. So why do I keep waiting for the shoe to drop? Is MY history so concrete and embedded into my psyche that I cannot even trust the most trustworthy guy I know?

Spiritually speaking, I know whom I CAN put all my trust in and have never been failed by Him. So when I get all in a tizzy about something benign I do always start with a prayer of begging for peace and saying aloud that I trust Him. Then I stew with a serious fire in my belly over the plot I've created in my head, only to be given the peace in the end and wishing I'd have handled it differently.

I'm a work in progress, getting better each day. Just a little insight into me.